


we're living in a heartbreak dream

by wafflesofdoom



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-17
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-02-05 01:29:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 50,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1800463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>bellamy and clarke fell in love in high school, and the ghost of their two year relationship seems to follow them as they get older. </p><p>there's no escaping small town life, and apparently, theres no escaping your small town, high school sweetheart either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bellamy and clarke fell in love in high school, and the ghost of their two year relationship seems to follow them as they get older. theres no escaping small town life, and apparently, theres no escaping your small town, high school sweetheart either.

**the beginning**

Clarke would be lying if she said that she didn't find Bellamy Blake attractive. They had grown up together - she had watched him turn from a dorky, gap toothed nine year old into a teenager, watched as he grew into his too long limbs as he moved from 13, to 14, and 15. He had been a cute kid, sure, they had all the pictures to prove it, but he had grown into one hell of a teenager.

Bellamy was the high school rockstar. He played on the lacrosse team - who had won state finals last semester - and he always seemed to have a gaggle of tall, thin blonde girls following him around.

Once, she had seen Tammy Matthews get  _visibly_  upset when Bellamy hadn't been the one to serve her in their towns one and only coffee shop. He had  _that_  kind of affect on girls. People, really, because she knew full well there was at least three guys in her English class that wanted to pin him against a wall and see if he was a good a kisser as the rumour mill suggested.

Sure. She knew Bellamy was attractive. When he became the guy she obsessed over, she wasn't entirely sure.

Clarke wasn't much of a dater. A bad experience in freshman year (how was she supposed to know Finn Collins had a girlfriend? It was a small town, everyone went to JW High, didn't they? Apparently not Raven Reyes).

They  _had_ moved past that, eventually. It had all blown up for Finn when Raven transferred to JW, and Clarke had spent a week in hiding before Octavia coaxed her back to school with the promise of a protection detail. It had been nearly two years, and now Clarke considered Raven a , too, although the three of them had Chemistry together freshman year, and it led to some awkward conversations the first few weeks.

She couldn't help but smile, remembering Jasper's 'fix it all' suggestion.

_"Threesome Clarke! Its the only logical answer."_

Despite previous bad experience however, Clarke found herself staring at the back of Bellamy's head as he cleared a table in the Coffee Bean, wondering if she was every going to be anything other than Octavia's best friend to him.

"Clarke, earth calling Clarke. Are you still with us?"

Clarke snapped out of her thoughts, looking around their packed table. "Huh?"

Jasper was looking at her, laughing. "You're lost in your thoughts today Clarkey."

"I thought we agreed that Clarkey wasn't going to stick past middle school Jas." Clarke said, taking a sip of her coffee. "And I'm not lost in my thoughts."

"You totally are! You've been staring off into space for the past five minutes. You missed Jasper's whole big spiel on how he was planning on starting a crystal meth production line at school." Raven said.

"First of all Jas,  **no**." Clarke said. "And I'm just thinking about college applications, I guess."

" _Clarke_." there was a unanimous groan.

"We're juniors Clarke." Octavia said. "Enjoy high school for now, and  _then_  start thinking about college."

"Its never too early to start thinking about college." Clarke muttered.

"Come on Clarke, you've been talking about going to Virginia State since we were kids." Jasper said. "Its all you've ever wanted."

"I think you'd be wasted on VSU."

Clarke looked up to see Bellamy standing at their table, a dish full of dirty cups in his hands. "Its a good school."

"Sure." Bellamy nodded. "But you've been the poster girl for JW's academic hall of fame since you started. You could look far beyond VSU."

Clarke shook her head. "I want to go there."

"Course you do." Bellamy didn't sound convinced. "You guys want anything else?"

"I would  _love_  another coffee Bell." Octavia said sweetly.

"I love you O, but I can't give away freebies." Bellamy said. "You can have another coffee if you pay for another one."

" _Ugh._ " Octavia groaned, but reached for the crumpled ten dollar bill that was in her pocket. "You want something Clarke? I owe you a coffee from last week."

"Its fine-"

"I don't break promises." Octavia interrupted. "She'll have a skinny vanilla latte Bell."

"Coming right up."

Clarke watched as he walked away, his muscular frame easily visible under the thin material of the Coffee Bean's uniform t-shirt. She couldn't take her eyes off him as he slipped behind the counter, his attention on the coffee machine.

She was a  _goner_.

"Clarkey, can you pull yourself out of dreamland for a second and focus on homecoming and how we're going to get completely fucked up without the chaperones noticing?"

"Sorry." Clarke said, focusing on Jasper and Octavia, and their masterplan. "I'm listening."

_(she wasn't)_

* * *

The next time she sees Bellamy outside of school, or the Coffee Bean is actually at homecoming. Clarke isn't exactly feeling comfortable, the burn of straight vodka lingering in her throat from their little pre-party, a hip flask strapped to her thigh, thanks to Octavia.

Sometimes she wondered why she was friends with that girl.

 _(that was a lie. octavia blake was the greatest friend she would_ **_ever_ ** _have.)_

_(octavia was her sister, really. soul sister.)_

The hall was too packed, and there was too many sweaty, drunken high school students dancing ( **badly** ) for her liking, and Clarke needed some air. Hand on her bag, she pushed her way through the crowd, feeding one of the teachers chaperoning the bathroom excuse.

The cool night air was refreshing as she walked out one of the emergency exits. She had always loved the weather in Virginia - autumn was never excessively cold, and she didn't need anything more than a hoodie.

Not that she had one right then. Clarke was wearing a deep purple dress Octavia had practically made her buy, her feet shoved into a pair of glittery heels. She didn't have anything against getting dressed up, but she felt uncomfortable tonight.

"Party get too much for you, princess?"

Clarke looked up to see Bellamy sitting on one of the walls by the school carpark, suit jacket tossed aside. "Something like that. You?"

"I think Tammy Matthews is trying to sexually assault me."

"She really likes you."

Bellamy shrugged. "I don't like her."

"Don't be so mean!"

"How is it mean? If a guy was doing it to her, they'd be considered a creep. I don't see why it can't be the same for her doing it to me."

"Sexism and double standards in society?"

Bellamy laughed. "Something like that."

Clarke hauled herself up on the wall, pulling her hair down out of the intricate bun Octavia had twisted it up into. "She's kind of a creep anyway."

"Mm."

"Why," Clarke asked after a pause. "Are school dances always so awful?"

"Because they're school dances?" Bellamy laughed.

"High school looks so much more fun in movies." Clarke sighed.

"Yeah."

"Are we friends?"

"What?"

"I don't know. I'm a little drunk." Clarke said. "Well, tipsy. I'm curious and brave enough to ask, is what I'm trying to say."

"Of course we're friends Clarke. We've know each other forever."

"We don't talk."

"Doesn't mean we're not friends."

"I just… I want to be something other than Octavia's best friend to you."

"You're not O's best friend to me. You're Clarke."

"Good."

They lapsed into silence.

"Do you want a drink?"

"We're in a carpark princess."

Clarke grinned, hiking her dress up around her thighs, revealing the hip flask. "Your sister is creative."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." Clarke unscrewed the cap, taking a drink. "I don't even know what that is." She grimaced, the alcohol too strong as it hit the back of her throat.

Bellamy took the hip flask from her, taking a swig. " _Jesus._ That stuff could blind you."

"I think Jasper brews it in his bedroom…"

"That kid needs help."

Clarke took another drink. "Numbs everything though."

"Why does everything need to be numbed?"

"There's 1147 people living in this town."

"And?"

Clarke shrugged. "Maybe I don't like small towns."

"Says the girl who's planning on going to VSU - less than an hour away."

"Don't pick on my college choices Blake. Like you're any better."

"I don't want to go to college." Bellamy said. 'I never intended to."

"You're smart enough to."

"So? I don't want to go." Bellamy said. "Anyway, this conversation is about you princess. You could go Ivy League."

Clarke snorted. "I'm small town smart."

"Like hell you are." Bellamy said. "I've heard you and Jasper get all science-y and shit. You're far beyond small town smart."

"But." Clarke said, pausing to take another sip. "What if I leave here, and go to some big fancy school, and it turns out that the JW academic hall of fame was as good as it gets?"

"You'll never know if you don't leave."

"Maybe not knowing is the better option."

Bellamy took the flask. "The world's a lot bigger than Bowman, Virginia."

"Bigger is scarier." Clarke said. "1147 people, one high school, two elementary schools, a grocery store and a coffee shop. My world doesn't need to be bigger."

"I thought you didn't like small towns."

"I like Bowman."

"You're being a coward." Bellamy said, in a matter of fact manner.

"Says you, Mister I don't want to go to college."

"I'm not scared. I can leave this place any time I want to. I just  _don't_  want to go to college."

"And I just  _don't_  want to leave Bowman." Clarke replied, coughing mid swallow. "God, this stuff is awful."

Bellamy laughed, the sound a welcome break in their otherwise serious conversation. "Yeah, its bad."

The two of them fell into another, more comfortable silence, taking turns to swig from the hip flask full of fuck knows what.

"We're friends Bellamy, right?"

"Yeah. We are."

_(friends. more than she had yesterday.)_

* * *

They didn't have a normal friendship.

Not like the friendship she had with Octavia, or Jasper. Not like the loud, rowdy friendship Bellamy had with Miller, and rest of the lacrosse team. They didn't eat lunch together, or go on shopping trips.

But she knew they were friends.

Clarke knew Bellamy was her friend, and that was all that mattered.

Of course, being friends just meant that she was getting even more obsessed with him.

For the first time in their high school careers, Clarke had tagged along with Raven when she went to watch the lacrosse team play a match. She sat on the bleachers, wearing a blue and white JW jersey she had borrowed from Octavia, cheering in all the right places and beaming at Bellamy when he looked up at the stands, acknowledging her presence with a grin, and a nod.

She was glad Raven bought her excuse of 'trying to show more school pride', because explaining that she just wanted to watch Bellamy run up and down a field for a good hour would have been horrendously awkward.

None of her friends knew about her little crush.

She had left Raven to talk tactics with the squad after the game, choosing to walk home instead. She didn't exactly know much about lacrosse, and the post game breakdown was more Raven's thing.

"Princess, wait up."

Clarke paused mid step, and looked around to see Bellamy jogging behind her. His hair was damp with sweat, his gear slung over one shoulder. "Hey Bellamy." She squeaked, hoping he didn't notice her gaze linger on his broad chest for a second too long.

"I didn't know you liked lacrosse."

"Just, supporting my friend." Clarke offered, not quite making eye contact.

"Thanks Clarke."

She didn't know if she'd done the right thing until two weeks later, when she spotted Bellamy in the audience at a public speaking competitions she, and Monty were representing the school in. The smile on her face when she stood up to talk about nuclear warfare was completely inappropriate, but it was worth it when she saw Bellamy clapping harder than everyone else when she had delivered her speech.

( _their friendship wasn't normal.)_

_(it was better than that.)_

* * *

It was Halloween when Clarke caught Bellamy looking at her the way she looked at him.

Peter Cartwright was throwing yet another 'epic' (Clarke used the term loosely) Halloween party, and the entirety of their high school was in his house, red cups in hand, costumes on.

"I feel like I'm in a bad high school movie."

"If you'd loosen up and have fun, you'd enjoy it more." Octavia said. "Come on, you deserve some fun Clarkey."

It was hard to take Octavia seriously when she was pouting at her from underneath about eighteen layers of make up and a catsuit, but Clarke nodded.

"Yes! I think they're playing drinking games in the front room, lets play a round."

Octavia led her through the crowd, and Clarke couldn't help but admire the sheer amount of jaw drops her best friend was getting. Octavia looked incredible all the time, but she went all out on Halloween. The catsuit clung to her every curve, her long, dark hair cascading down her back in loose waves.

"What are we playing then?"

"Spin the bottle."

"Tammy, what are we? Twelve?" Octavia rolled her eyes.

"Are you playing or not Octavia?" Tammy snapped.

"We're playing." Octavia said decisively, her and Clarke joining the circle. Clarke scanned the group, trying to figure out whether or not she should run - Atom ( _weird name but a good guy)_  Tammy  _(certified crazy person)_  Munroe ( _plays for the soccer team. Unbelievable hair braiding skills)_ Bellamy -

_wait._

_Bellamy_?

Clarke looked at him nervously, feeling incredibly self conscious all of a sudden. She was wearing one of Octavia's black dresses, going for the whole sexy spy thing - apparently, anyway. Clarke thought she looked more like a high class stripper, but according to Octavia both worked.

He was looking at her intently, and it felt like he was undressing her with his eyes.

She shouldn't enjoy it.

( _She was enjoying it.)_

"I'll go first." Tammy said, her gaze flickering to Bellamy, who didn't even notice. She spun the bottle, and it landed on Peter, who grinned widely, knocking back a shot.

"Lets go, Tamster."

"Don't ever call me that again." Tammy said, and kissed him lightly, pulling away after a second.

"You'll love me some day Tammy."

"Like hell."

Peter simply grinned, spinning the bottle again. "Atom, my man. Is our friendship strong enough?"

"Shut up Cartwright." Atom kissed his friend quickly, pulling away and grabbing the bottle. He spun it before Peter had a chance to make another comment, and it landed on Octavia.

Octavia looked incredibly happy as she leaned in to kiss Atom, their kiss lasting far longer than the previous few.

"I don't need to see this." Bellamy grumbled.

"Chill out Bell." Octavia grinned wickedly. "I've done worse."

"Never say anything like that ever again."

Octavia ignored her brother, spinning the bottle. It landed on Clarke, and she couldn't help but laugh as Octavia exaggeratedly leaned in, pressing a light kiss to her lips. "Love you Clarkey."

"Love you too O." Clarke laughed, taking the bottle. She wasn't praying for it to land on Bellamy  _(she was_ ) but she couldn't help her stomach flipping as it came to an agonisingly slow stop in front of -  _Peter_.

She kissed him quickly, and pulled back to her position on the floor next to Octavia. The game continued without anything to eventful happening for another few minutes before Clarke stood up.

"I'm just going to go to the bathroom." Clarke reassured Octavia. "Stay here, I'll come find you in a minute."

She pushed out of the room, making her way upstairs to the bathroom.

She shouldn't be upset it didn't land on Bellamy.

_She shouldn't._

Clarke sat on the edge of the bath, trying to pull herself together. She wasn't the girl who obsessed over a guy, and here she was, doing it. She might have grown up with Bellamy, and O, but she knew barely anything about her best friend's older brother.

She knew nine year old Bellamy, not nineteen year old Bellamy.

_Stupidstupidstupidstupid_

"Clarke?"

Clarke looked up to see Bellamy standing in the doorway of the bathroom, the same intense look he was wearing during spin the bottle, still on his face. "I just needed a breather."

He stepped inside the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Bellamy was wearing a simple shirt and jeans, the sleeves of his shirt pushed up to his elbows. It was purple, a colour not too unlike her homecoming dress.

Was he even wearing a costume?

"Yeah."

"Who are you dressed up as?" Clarke blurted.

"Hawkeye." Bellamy grinned. "In casual clothes."

"So you didn't dress up?"

He shrugged. "Why would I?"

"Its Halloween." Clarke said. "Even I dressed up."

"I noticed."

Clarke's cheeks flushed bright red. "I look like a stripper, don't I?"

"You look amazing." Bellamy said, sitting down next to her on the edge of the bath.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Bellamy confirmed, and before Clarke could say anything else, his lips were on hers. He tasted like tequila and beer, his lips as soft as the rumour mill suggested. She lost herself in the kiss, a gentle hand at the back of her neck.

She couldn't help but grab a fistful of his shirt, trying to pull herself closer. It felt like every one of her nerve endings was being set alight, exhilaration spreading through her body in waves.

Clarke was  _kissing_  Bellamy.

His chest was hard under her hands, his lips soft and his dark mop of hair even softer as her fingers twisted into the curls at the base of his neck. He might have tasted like alcohol, but he tasted like something else too.

He tasted like a beginning.


	2. the middle (the good part)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bellamy and clarke fell in love in high school, and the ghost of their two year relationship seems to follow them as they get older. theres no escaping small town life, and apparently, theres no escaping your small town, high school sweetheart either.

Clarke was kind of loving being in a secret  _thing_  with Bellamy. They hadn't defined whatever it was, but there had been a shift in their relationship the night of Peter Cartwright's Halloween party.

And she was loving it.

Clarke couldn't help but let out a small yelp as someone grabbed her by the waist, pulling her into a secluded corner by the lacrosse field.

"You're going to give me a heart attack if you keep that up."

Bellamy grinned. "You're going to give me a heart attack if you keep coming to school looking this gorgeous."

Clarke rolled her eyes. She was wearing a pair of scruffy jeans with a rip in the knee that  _definitely_ wasn't there for design purposes, and a plain white blouse. "I think you're seeing things."

"I'm seeing a gorgeous girl."

Clarke laughed. "Sure."

"Are you going to keep arguing with me or are you going to kiss me?"

"Both sound equally as fun."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Bellamy grinned wickedly, and started to press feather light kisses along her jaw, trailing his lips down her neck.

"I j-just love a good argument, you know?"

"Mm-hm." Bellamy continued kissing her neck.

"You know, I don't really understand all this hype about making out a-anyway…"

Clarke felt her knees give way as Bellamy bit down on a piece of exposed skin on her neck, sucking on it gently. "I thought w-we agreed that you weren't going to go hickey crazy on my neck, everyone's going to figure it out if you keep doing that-"

"Princess?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

This time she did, grabbing Bellamy's broad shoulders and pulling their bodies together, kissing him with the kind of passion and need she didn't realise she was capable of having.

 _Yeah_.

Whatever was going on with her and Bellamy, she was loving it.

* * *

Clarke had never believed the hype around sex. OK, so she'd never had sex, but she was about 98.5% sure everyone was exaggerating just how fantastic it was. It was a biological reaction to various endorphins and it had one sole function, when you broke it all down - to produce offspring.

It couldn't be as amazing as Octavia, and Raven, and Jasper made it out to be. The three of them exaggerated the fun in everything - after eight weeks of pleading and tell her how  _amazing_ , and  _fantastic_ this little lake they had found was, Clarke had relented and gone with them.

Three hours into their little adventure, they had to call mountain rescue to get Jasper out of a tree he had climbed and was too scared to get out of, Octavia fell and broke an ankle, and even though she still denies it, Clarke knows Raven gave herself a concussion jumping off a rock into the lake.

Not her definition of fantastic, so she was well within in her rights not to believe her friends enthusiasm when it came to sex.

( _She should have believed them)_

"Still think sex is a biological reaction to various endorphins?" Bellamy grinned, his dark hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, Clarke's ridiculously orange duvet pooled around their ankles.

"Yeah."

"What?"

"Don't get offended Bellamy, I'm not doubting your skills in bed." Clarke grinned, brushing her sweaty curls out of her face. "The fact that this was fun - a  _lot_ of fun - doesn't change the fact it is a biological reaction."

"I love it when you talk science to me."

Clarke laughed. "Yeah?"

Bellamy grinned. "Its weirdly sexy."

"Energy is released when molecules have been oxidised in respiration -  _Bellamy_!"

_(who knew quoting her sophomore biology textbook could be a aphrodisiac?)_

* * *

Clarke trusted Bellamy with every part of her. That was what allowed her to feel comfortable about them keeping their budding relationship a secret. Bowman was a nosey town, and for the first time in her life, she wanted something that was for her, and no one else.

So they kept it a secret. It was fun, sneaking around and making out in strange places, and driving two towns over to see some stupid romantic comedy just so they could make out in the back row of the theatre without anyone they knew seeing them.

Bellamy had charted a sneaky (sneakily fantastic? was that a thing?) route into her bedroom, which involved him climbing the old oak tree where the ruined remains of her childhood treehouse were, and climbing in her window.

It felt like one of those crappy made for TV movies, where they boy snuck into the girls bedroom just so they could be together.

Their relationship wasn't exactly forbidden, but it was fun to pretend otherwise.

They figured out fairly early on in their relationship that Clarke had a serious thing for roleplaying.

_(She also loved being the dominant one, because really, was there anything quite as good as a tall, strong lacrosse player coming undone at the hands of a petite blonde girl?)_

She trusted him wholeheartedly, and that was why she wasn't the slightest bit fazed when Octavia pointed out the gaggle of girls fawning over her brother.

"Honestly, it makes me want to puke. They've been throwing themselves at him for years, haven't they gotten the message yet?"

"Mm." Clarke didn't respond, looking across the room at Bellamy. Sure, there was a gaggle of girls hanging onto his every word, but he caught her gaze, and gave her a smile that melted her heart. There might have been a gaggle of girls, but she knew she was the only girl in the room he had eyes for.

She had never felt so special.

( _she was falling hard for him)_

* * *

Octavia was the one to find out about their little secret. It was Christmas break, and Clarke and Bellamy were holed up in her room, tangled up in each other.

"Clarke, what is the point of you having a phone if you don't answer it -  _oh my god_! Oh my  **god**." Octavia squeezed her eyes shut. "I don't need to see this, I don't need to be seeing this."

"Then get out." Bellamy said, a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Since when are you two sleeping together?"

"O, can we talk about this when Bell and I are wearing clothes?" Clarke said, pulling her duvet up around her body.

Octavia nodded. "I'll go wait downstairs."

"I guess the cat's out of the bag." Clarke said, grabbing her underwear from where they'd landed on her bedside lamp.

"Yeah, it is."

"You okay about that?" Clarke couldn't help but feel a bit worried. Bellamy didn't exactly look delighted, and she didn't know what she'd do if he didn't want to continue their relationship now that Octavia knew.

"Clarke." Bellamy rested his hands on either side of her face. "If it comes to it, I'll get up on your roof and tell the whole of Bowman how I feel about you. I'm OK about it."

"Good." Clarke's heart was beating far more rapidly than it had been a minute earlier. "We should go talk to O then."

Bellamy kissed her lightly, and nodded, grabbing his t-shirt and jeans.

The two of them got dressed quickly, and headed down to the living room - where  _all_ of Clarke's friends were sitting.

"O," Clarke sighed. "You never said you brought the calvary along with you."

Octavia gave her an apologetic look. "I couldn't exactly lie about why I had ran back downstairs in a panic. Plus, I think they'd figure it out when Bellamy came downstairs with you."

"He has sex hair." Raven interjected.

"How long has this been going on?"

Clarke tried to ignore the displeasure in Finn's voice. "Since Halloween."

"So you two are a thing now?" Finn spoke again.

Clarke couldn't help but be grateful for Bellamy's protective arm on her waist.

"Yeah." Bellamy replied. "We are."

_(the only thing that make her happier than Bellamy declaring they were in a relationship was the look on Tammy Matthew's face when they walked into school after the end of the Christmas break, hand in hand)_

* * *

The first time she said it was during a fight. She couldn't remember what they had even been arguing about - all she remembered was the aftermath, the two of them facing off in Bellamy's bedroom.

"I love you Bell." Clarke said quietly. "Does anything else have to matter?"

Bellamy shook his head. "No."

"I love you." Clarke repeated.

"I love you."

And nothing else in the world mattered anymore.

Clarke Griffin was in love and she wanted nothing more than to be in her lover's arms for, well, forever.

* * *

Clarke was good at being a supportive girlfriend. She had noticed that since her and Bellamy's relationship had been thrown out into the open. She loved nothing more than to paint blue and white stripes on her cheeks, and stand on the bleachers and yell enthusiastically for her boyfriend when he was playing a match.

When the teams captain had to resign (due to bad grades and a tendency to break the law), Clarke had practically knocked Bellamy to the ground when he had been announced as captain in her haste to congratulate him.

She had baked him a tray of brownies during his finals, and Clarke wouldn't say it, but it was her baking skills that got him that A in Calculus.

( _definitely_ )

Octavia was in tears laughing at Clarke when she stood up and clapped embarrassingly loudly at Bellamy's graduation, but Clarke really didn't care less. She was proud of her boyfriend, proud of everything he had achieved.

And even when he decided to train as a mechanic instead of sending in a late application to community college ( _'as a stepping stone Bell!'_  Clarke had tried to persuade him), Clarke played supportive girlfriend and bought him one of those stereotypical bright red toolboxes ( _"you have to start off your career right Bell"_ she had said when he protested, claiming it cost too much).

She was never going to stop supporting him, and she told him that, every late night they spent together that summer, her arms wrapped around him and her lips pressed against his ear.

_"You and me against the world Bell."_

* * *

Clarke couldn't help but jump when Bellamy slammed a stack of paper down on her desk. "W-what?"

"College applications."

"I applied to college Bell, I applied to VSU."

"Like hell you are." Bellamy said. "We've had this conversation about a million times princess, you are not pinning all your hopes on VSU. You could get into any college you wanted to."

"Bellamy, I don't want to!"

"Why?" Bellamy demanded. "Why don't you want to apply to a school like Harvard? Its a better school, you'd get a better degree - you'd get into an even better medical school. Why don't you want to apply anywhere else?"

"Because!"

"Not good enough." Bellamy said. "Start applying."

"I'm not applying anywhere else."

"Give me a good reason princess, and I'll back off."

"I'm not good enough Bell."

"Bullshit." Bellamy said. "Why can't you see what I see Clarke?"

"What do you see?"

"I see the most amazing girl in this entire damn town. This entire  _world_." Bellamy said. "You're strong, and intelligent, and beautiful - you make me laugh, you make me feel like I'm capable of doing anything. I know you can apply to all these fancy colleges, and graduate top of your class. I  _know_ you're going to be an amazing doctor. I know you're going to be incredible, because you already are. I want you to apply to all these colleges because you deserve a place in every single one of them. I just wish you would see that too."

He crouched down in front of Clarke, resting his hands on her knees. "You need to stop being so scared Clarke. Theres a big world out there, and we can take it on together. Stop being so afraid, because you're more than capable. You're the smartest person I know. Just, think about it princess, please."

"I don't know anything other than Bowman, and what if I leave and I can't do it alone Bell?"

"You wont have to do it alone. I am always going to be there for you princess. You and me, we're forever." Bellamy said.

"I'm so scared of failing Bell."

"Don't be." Bellamy said. "Failing isn't a bad thing. And anyway, you wont fail."

"How do you believe in me more than I believe in myself?"

"I love you." Bellamy said simply.

"I love you too."

"So you'll think about it?" Bellamy said hopefully.

"I need time Bell." Clarke said softly. "I need time to think."

Bellamy nodded. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah. Okay." Bellamy gathered her into his arms, hugging her tightly. "You'll get there."

The tighter Bellamy held her, the stronger Clarke felt.

Maybe she'd get there.

( _maybe_ )

* * *

It was a month and a half later when Clarke got there, walking to the post office, a bundle of thick envelopes in hand.

"What are you up to this morning princess?" Bellamy was working, his dark curls askew as he slid out from underneath a car.

Clarke waved the envelopes at him. "Ivy League want their applications in early."

"You're applying?" Bellamy grinned widely.

Clarke nodded. "You were right Bell. I owe it to myself to apply to all these amazing colleges, and I know I can do it if you're there, supporting me."

"I'm really glad you're doing this Clarke."

"I am too." Clarke nodded. "You want to come over tonight? My parents are going over to the Jaha's, and I'll have the house to myself. I was thinking of making cookies."

"I was sold at free house, the cookies just help." Bellamy grinned. "Six okay? I'm stuck here until then."

"Six is perfect."

"Blake! Get back to work you lazy asshole, these cars aren't going to fix themselves."

"Sorry princess."

Clarke kissed him lightly, ignoring the sweat and oil that patterned his skin. "See you later Bell. Love you."

"Love you too." Bellamy watched as she left, a funny feeling rising in his chest.

He didn't quite figure out what the funny feeling was until later, when he was reading Clarke's personal statement for her college applications.

_"…. I think you need someone in your life who pushes you to realise your full potential. I'm a small town girl, used to small town life, and with no real motivation to look beyond it. You love what you know, and everything else seems too scary to even comprehend - if you'd asked me two years would I be applying to colleges thousands of miles away from Bowman, Virginia, and hoping I'd get in, I would have laughed, and told you that you didn't know Clarke Griffin very well. Having Bellamy in my life changed me for better, and he's inspired me to take control of my life, and push myself to be more than a small town girl, with small town aspirations."_

His gorgeous, intelligent, confident girl was applying to all these incredible colleges, and planning to do all these amazing things, and he was going to have to watch her do it, from a tiny auto shop in small town Virginia.

Bellamy didn't want to go to college, but he was starting to wonder if he wanted to be a small town mechanic either.

* * *

It was their second time going to prom together, so Clarke wasn't exactly expecting her senior prom to take her breath away. Bellamy's prom had been spectacular - it was everything she could have asked prom to be.

Honestly, the only reason she was going to her own prom was because of her friends.

 _"One last school controlled hoorah Clarke,"_ Jasper had said, grinning widely.  _"I plan to fuck shit up."_

"Clarke, honey! Bellamy is here!"

Clarke took one last look in the full length mirror that hung on the inside of her wardrobe door, fixing a stray strand of hair. She hated having her hair pulled back out of her face, so she had opted for a simpler hairstyle, her blonde hair curled softly, twisted back off her face.

Her dress was a mint colour, the bodice a combination of lace, and sheer material, the skirt layers of mint green material that stood out, and gave the illusion that she had the figure of the model who had been wearing it on the website she ordered it from.

She grabbed the silver handbag she had borrowed off Octavia (for the second prom in a row), and headed down the stairs.

Bellamy was standing in the hallway with her parents, talking to her dad. Clarke was always delighted that her dad, and Bellamy got on so well - she had almost expected her dad to be strange towards him after they started dating, but nothing changed.

He was still the father figure to Bellamy he had always been. Bellamy had admitted that to her once - Jake was the closest thing he had to a father figure in his life. His own father had never been around for him, or Octavia, and so he had always relied on Jake for the kind if guidance his own father had never given him.

She loved that her two favourite guys got on so well.

Bellamy was wearing a dark grey suit, his tie a perfect match to Clarke's dress. He looked gorgeous, his hair pushed back out of his face, his eyes sparkling.

Her boy looked good in a suit.

"You look incredible Clarke." Bellamy said, his gaze fixed on her.

"So do you." Clarke returned, beaming.

They stood for pictures, her mom getting far too over excited, and her dad left them go with a stern warning of "don't loose my daughter tonight Bellamy."

_(she'd gotten her usual curfew of midnight lifted and it was definitely going to be an all nighter)_

Prom was loud. It was loud, and drunken, and Clarke could see her biology teacher attempting to breakdance in a corner.

Typical Mr Weathers, really.

"You want to take a break from this madness? Get some air?"

Clarke looked at Bellamy, grinning wickedly. "I have an even better idea." She grabbed his hand, and pulled him through the crowd, out into the deserted hallways of the school. Bellamy didn't so much as protest as she led him down the hall, and into the girls bathroom.

(OK, he wondered a little.)

"I continued the tradition of the hipflash." Clarke grinned, pushing him into an empty stall ahead of her.

"Oh yeah? Want to share?"

She clicked the lock.

"Only if you find it."

Bellamy couldn't help but laugh. "You're going to be the death of me someday, Clarke Griffin."

"Mm."

"Not such an innocent princess anymore."

"Who said I was ever innocent?"

Bellamy simply grinned again, and dropped to his knees, his head disappearing under the layers of mint green fabric that her dress was made up of.

Sex was fun, sure.

Sex in a school bathroom, where you definitely shouldn't be having it?  _Exceptional._

It was probably (definitely) written all over their faces as they walked back down the hallway, hand in hand, Bellamy's hair out of place and messy, Clarke's cheeks flushed.

"Lovebirds!" Monty yelled. "Come on, they're announcing prom king and queen - and according to the polls, O and Jasper are going to win."

"I can't believe that they do polls on prom king, and queen."

"It makes the election a little more interesting." Clarke shrugged as they headed back into the hall. "Don't you want to see O win?"

"She'll be insufferable."

Miller had won prom king at Bellamy's prom (not that they were there to see it, they had snuck off to a dark corner of the carpark to make out and drink vodka from Clarke's hipflask)

"She really wants to win, just to shove it in Tammy's face."

"In that case, I really hope she does win."

They stood with their friends side stage as the winners were announced.

"This year John Wilkinson High prom King is - Jasper Jordan!" Mr Weathers announced. "And prom Queen is - Octavia Blake. Come up here you two, get your crowns."

Clarke yelled and cheered for her best friends as they went on stage, practically grabbing their crowns from Mr Weathers.

No one knew what was going on with Jasper and Octavia - no one ever seemed to know, not even then. Octavia had admitted to her freshman year that she and Jasper had slept together over spring break, and since then, their relationship had been a mess of failed dates, a lot of making out (a lot more sex, by the sounds of it) and Octavia doing everything in her power to make Jasper jealous.

It didn't make sense to anyone, least of all Octavia and Jasper.

Still, she was happy to see them win - and she could tell from the grin on Bellamy's face that he was delighted to see him baby sister be crowned prom Queen.

Senior prom ended much the same way as homecoming, and Bellamy's prom - with the two of them sitting in the carpark, swigging from a hipflask. This time however, everyone else had joined them, and Clarke was sitting comfortably in Bellamy's embrace as a drunken Jasper, and Octavia demanded everyone else do their bidding ( _"we're king and queen now bitches!"_ ) and Raven and Monty got a little too close for an uncomfortable looking Finn.

(Or was he uncomfortable because Clarke was practically sitting in Bellamy's lap, the two of them talking quietly?)

She didn't know. Or care.

Her whole world was her friends, and Bellamy Blake, and sitting in the dark until the small hours of the morning with all her favourite people was a memory she knew she would treasure in the years that followed high school.

_(She wouldn't trade Bowman and the friends she had there in for anything)_

* * *

Her Harvard acceptance letter arrived a week before graduation, and Bellamy couldn't help but feel proud as he read it. His princess was heading to Harvard in the fall, and she was leaving Bowman behind.

He was happy for her, of course he was. It had been him pushing her to do it, all along.

"We can do this, right?" Clarke said, curled up against Bellamy. They were in her room, the windows leaving in some cool air, a delicious break in the dead heat of the impending summer. "Survive long distance I mean."

"Of course we can." Bellamy said, absently running his fingers up and down the bare skin of her leg. "We can do anything."

"I can't loose you Bell."

"You're not going to." Bellamy said. "Theres buses from Richmond to Boston, I can come and visit you. Anyway, you'll be home for Christmas, and the summer. We wont be apart for that long."

"You're the love of my life Bell." Clarke said. "I don't care that I'm still in high school. I know that its you and me, and it always will be. I'm never going to feel this way about anyone else."

"I love you too, future Doctor Clarke Griffin." Bellamy grinned.

"I can't believe I actually got into Harvard." Clarke said. "Oh my god Bell, I'm going to  _Harvard_!"

"I'm so proud of you princess."

"I wouldn't have applied if it wasn't for you Bell." Clarke said. "You're the reason I'm getting to do this."

"You could have done it without me."

"I don't want to."

There was a pause.

"You and me forever princess."

_(forever didn't seem long enough)_

* * *

The end of it all came faster than either of them could have anticipated. It was late August, and Clarke was getting ready to go to Boston in a matter of days. It had been a fantastic summer of them being caught up in each other, of going on spontaneously road trips with a rowdy Jasper, Octavia, Monty and Raven, and long summer nights of her, and Bellamy, and nothing else.

It was drawing to a close however, and they had taken Bellamy's car, and drove out to the lake to have some peace away from the bustling summer season Bowman always seemed to have.

The sun was setting, and they were sprawled out on the hood of his car, watching as the world turned from blue, to orange.

"I'm going to miss this." Clarke said. "I don't think sunsets look like this in Boston. You'll have to send me pictures!"

"Clarke, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Is everything okay?"

"I uh, I've been thinking a lot. About the future." Bellamy said. "I don't know if I want to be a mechanic."

"Have you decided to go to college? Oh, Bell, I'm so happy -"

"I'm not going to college Clarke." Bellamy interrupted. "I enlisted."

"You what?"

"I enlisted in the military Clarke. I leave for basic training tomorrow."

"And you're only telling me  _now_?" Clarke yelled. "What happened to us making decisions together Bellamy? Why didn't you talk to me about this?"

"Because I thought you'd be OK with this, that you'd be happy for me!"

"Happy? How can I be happy that you've signed up to get yourself blown up?"

"I'm not going to get blown up-"

"Really?" Clarke interrupted. "We live forty minutes from a military base. Tell me Bell, how many of those soldiers didn't make it back?"

"Clarke-"

"I can't believe you'd be so  _stupid_."

"Stupid? Clarke, your entire family is involved in the military."

"Do you think I like it? Do you think I like having to watch my dad leave on deployments, not knowing whether or not he's coming back? My dads an engineer Bell, he should be in a lab, not in a warzone." Clarke said. "And I have heard enough horror stories from my mom to know that no one comes back from a deployment the same as they left. My entire family might be involved in the military, but that doesn't mean I like it. That doesn't mean I want you to go and fucking  _enlist_."

"I need to do this Clarke."

"Why?" She demanded. "To prove you're a tough guy? Prove you can shoot a gun straight?"

"Because I  _want_  to Clarke. I want to be a soldier. I want to go, and serve my country." Bellamy said. "Its not fucking rocket science."

"I can't let you do this."

"You don't own me Clarke."

"I'm not going to support this." Clarke said. "You leave for basic training tomorrow Bellamy, and thats it. You and I are finished."

"You're giving me a fucking ultimatum? Princess, you're going to Harvard in the fall, and it was either sit around and twiddle my thumbs while you realise the world is far better when you're  _not_ in Bowman, or go take control of my own life - like you did with yours.  _You_ inspired me to do this. You and your stupid fucking personal statement."

"You should have just let me go to VSU then, shouldn't you?" Clarke said, bitterly. "I mean it Bellamy, you leave and go to basic training tomorrow, and you can forget about me. I'm not going to sit around and wait to get the call saying you've been blown to shit."

"Fine."

"Fine? Thats all you have to say for yourself?"

"I think you've said everything that needs to be said, Clarke."

They sat in silence for the entire ride home, and Clarke didn't look back once when she slammed out of his car, and into her own house.

The silence in his car had been deafening, but nothing compared to the eerie silence of Bellamy's room when she arrived there the next morning, desperately hoping that he would be there.

"He's gone Clarke." Octavia had said quietly. "He left for basic training. I'm sorry."

"Its fine O." Clarke said. "We all make our choices, right?'

_(we make our choices, and we live with them.)_

Clarke turned and left the Blake house, heading home.

"I want to go to Boston now." She had told her concerned parents. "Get settled in before college starts."

She loaded up her car, and left Bowman without saying a single goodbye.

Bellamy had made his choice, and now she was making hers.

She was choosing Boston, and college, and medical school, and she wasn't going to sit around and pine, and wait for Bellamy to come home. She chose to distract herself from the gaping hole in her heart, from her silent phone.

He had chosen the army, and she was choosing Boston.

_(it was funny, really, how in the space of two years she went from not really knowing Bellamy, to wondering if she ever knew him at all)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the feedback & kudos, much appreciated! this chapter has made me want to write a full AU for clarke & bell in high school, but thats an idea for another day. hope you liked this chapter!


	3. the hardest part (is moving on)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bellamy and clarke fell in love in high school, and the ghost of their two year relationship seems to follow them as they get older. theres no escaping small town life, and apparently, theres no escaping your small town, high school sweetheart either.

**the hardest part (is moving on)**

Harvard was a reminder of it all, when she first arrived there. She could practically  _hear_ herself on the phone to Bellamy as she walked around campus, describing her new surroundings excitedly. She got out of her first lecture, and found herself hovering over Bellamy’s contact in her phone, halfway to ringing him before she realised they weren’t together anymore.

She  _wanted_ to tell him, she  _wanted_ to call him up and beg him to forget their fight, forget it had all happened, and reassure him that she still loved him - with every single part of her. She knew she couldn’t do it though - that bridge was burned, and their relationship was in ruins.

_(She wasn’t going to do it to herself either, become a military girlfriend who waited months on end for the smallest snippet of news)_

“Wells.” Clarke groaned, sitting down in front of her laptop. “I am a mess of a human being.”

Wells was her oldest friend, and even when he went off to boarding school when they were fourteen, they had kept in contact, and had weekly Skype sessions. She’d become awfully dependant on their Skype sessions in the weeks since she’d moved out to Boston - Wells was level headed, and calm, and he always told her exactly what she needed to hear.

_(Clarke loved Octavia with all her heart and soul, but right now, she was too close to the whole situation. Wells was detached from Bowman, to a certain extent, after five years away at boarding school.)_

“It can’t be that bad Clarke.” Wells laughed, the sound filling her dorm room. He felt a lot closer when they video chatted, the miles between Harvard and Yale closing in. It was almost as though he was next to her, offering her advice and chocolate.

“Trust me Wells, it is.” Clarke said. “I did an assessment of skill quiz in Organic Chemistry last week, and we got the result today, and no word of a lie, I had my phone pulled out and Bellamy’s number dialled before I even realised what I was doing.”

“Thats normal Clarke. You two were together for what, a year? Year and a half? He was this constant part of your life, you guys talked every single day. Its going to take time to get used to not being able to do that.”

“It would have been our two year anniversary in three weeks….”

“I’m sorry Clarke.”

“I don’t want to miss him anymore Wells. Its killing me - my roommate thinks I am clinically depressed.” 

“Have you gone back to not leaving your dorm?”

“No.”

“Don’t lie to me Clarke.”

Clarke sniffed. “I leave for classes.”

“And food?”

“I have a mini fridge.”

“Clarke.” Wells sighed. “I know you miss him, and I know being in Harvard is hard for you - Bellamy was the one who pushed you hard enough to make you apply - but you  **can’t** hole yourself up in your room, and let life pass you by. College is meant to be four of the best years of your life, you need to go and experience that.”

“I didn’t think I’d have to do this alone.”

“You’re not alone.” Wells said. “You have me, and your mom and dad, and Octavia, and Jasper, and Monty, and Raven. They’re all really worried about you Clarke, Octavia said that you’re skipping out on all the group chats you promised to have when you all went off to college.”

“You’ve been talking to Octavia?”

“You haven’t.”

“I don’t want to make her take sides.”

“She’s not going to.” Wells said. “Bellamy is her brother, and you’re the closest thing to a sister she has. Octavia is worried about you Clarke - its bad enough that all she’s heard from Bellamy since he went to basic training is a five second phone call to let her know he was still alive, you falling off the face of the planet isn’t exactly helping. She’s moved to an entirely new city as well Clarke.”

“She has Jas, and Monty.”

“You think that makes up for not having you?”

Clarke looked at him, teary eyed. “I told you Wells, I’m a mess.”

“You’re allowed to be.” Wells said. “But you can’t push people away - you can’t lock yourself in your dorm room and let the world go on without you taking part in it. I thought you left for Boston early so you could move on?”

“Starting over is harder than it sounds.”

“Who says you need to start over to move on? You don’t have to abandon everyone you love to move on from Bellamy.” Wells said. “Your lives are so intertwined, you’re going to have find a way to deal with that.”

“I still love him Wells.”

“Its been less than two months Clarkey, you’re not going to get over him that quickly - I hate to say it.”

“Do you have a magical cure, oh wise one?”

“Start living your life. You’re never going to move on if you’re sitting in your dorm room, moping.”

“How do I live my life if I feel like half of me is missing?”

“Learn to live as half a person.” Wells said. “And eventually, you’ll feel whole again.”

“What would I do without you Wells?”

“I’m sure you’d get there on your own, eventually.” Wells said. “I just don’t want you to look back on your first year of college and regret everything you didn’t do. I’d love to talk more Clarke, but I have to go - I’m going to a law society meeting. Will you be okay?”

“I’ll be fine Wells.” Clarke said. “Don’t worry about me, I’ve got assignments to work on.”

“I’ll text you tomorrow Clarke.”

“Enjoy your night Wells.”

Wells disappeared from her screen, and Clarke’s dorm room was filled with a heavy silence. Her roommate Alyssa was out a lot, joining clubs and meeting new friends (doing everything Clarke wasn’t, really) so she had a lot of peace and quiet.

_(she didn’t like it)_

* * *

Wells was right, when he had their lives were intertwined. They had the same friends, they’d gone to the same school, they’d grown up together - he was so ingrained in her life, she would log onto her Facebook and he was everywhere. In pictures from Octavia’s birthdays over the years, from Christmas parties and school dances, to the pictures of them while they were together, pictures from the best two years of her life.

 

Practically every profile picture since they had gotten together was of her, and Bellamy (save for a few selfies of her and Octavia when they had skipped gym to go on adventures), her phone was still half full of pictures of him, and them, and their time together. 

_Hell,_  she’d only changed her screensaver a week or two previously - it was a collage, a mess of pictures from high school, of her, and O, and Jasper and Monty, and Raven, and Finn - and Bellamy. 

He was in every part of her life, and it made trying to detach herself from Bellamy Blake all the harder.

_(were breakups easier without social media? was it easier to forget when you didn’t have like fifty stupid selfies posted to instagram of the two of you, filters and all?)_

Clarke could try all she wanted, but there was no escaping her past.

That made waking up the morning of what would have been their three year anniversary all the harder. She had known the day was coming, her dreams filled with memories of the journey they’d undertaken to get together, memories of the way his lips felt against hers for the first time at that stupid party - memories of how he tasted, how he felt underneath her inquisitive hands, how he could make her laugh with nothing more than a look - memories all assaulting her nights for weeks, making her half afraid to shut her eyes.

She didn’t want to think about Bellamy. 

She managed to survive the morning without too much thought to her ex-boyfriend, her mind on lectures and getting through her bio-chem lecture without bursting into tears in the middle of the classroom because she was honesty just too tired for formulas, and learning in general.

_(it had been exactly eight days since she had gotten a full nights sleep)_

Clarke just needed the day to be over. Silly snapchats from Octavia, and Jasper, and Monty took her mind off the day at hand ten seconds at a time, and she was so grateful for her friends ability to just  _know_ , even if she’d been the worst person in the world for staying in contact with anyone since she moved out to Boston.

Her dorm room felt like a safe haven when she arrived back after her last lecture of the afternoon, tossing her backpack aside.

Clarke figure maybe starting one of her assignments would help take her mind off everything, so she grabbed her laptop, browsing through all her old high school notes. She had to take an English credit, and the assignment on images of innocence in 20th century literature was all too similar to one she had done when she took AP English in high school.

It wasn’t like she was going to copy it word for word, but Clarke wasn’t an English major for a reason. Sure, she was intelligent, but she lacked the creativity with words people like Octavia always had in school.

Clarke’s breath hitched in her throat as she came across a file she had attempted to bury weeks ago - simply named ‘bell & clarke’, she knew exactly what the folder was full of. 

What possessed her to open it, Clarke would never know.

She had always liked photography. Clarke never claimed to be any good at it, but she enjoyed it - her parents had gotten her a beautiful camera for her seventeenth birthday, and ever since, she had spent her free time annoying her friends into letting her take pictures of them, or taking shots of the beautiful scenery that was her small town.

Even if they hadn’t been dating at the time, the budding photographer in Clarke would have probably made Bellamy stand for pictures. He had always been comfortable in front of a camera, his dark looks and mixed heritage making him nothing less than model-esque.

The fact they had been dating meant that she had at least a million pictures of him on her laptop, pictures of them out at the lake, pictures of him from lazy days in the garden. Their relationship was practically immortalised on her laptop, and her brain had picked today to come across the photos and videos had had wanted to forget.

“ _Clarke, are you filming me again?”_

_“No!’_

_“I wouldn’t mind, but I’m not doing anything interesting. I’m literally just sitting here.”_

_“You look good though.”_

_“You’re ridiculous.”_

_“You love it though.”_

_“I do.”_

_“… Bell?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“How much do you love me?”_

_“I think you know.”_

Clarke remembered the shrug she had given at the time like she had done it a few seconds previously, the heat of the blush that had spread across her cheeks when she asked the question clear in her mind.

_“I’m not going to see you everyday when I’m in Boston.”_

_“And?”_

_“I know how much you love me when I look at you. I wont be looking at you everyday.”_

_Bellamy laughed. “I love you more than I love your brownies.”_

_“Thats a big commitment!_

_“A commitment I’m willing to make.” Bellamy joked. “I love you like I love the feeling you get when its summertime, and you wake up and the whole world is cool, and silent, and you know its going to be a beautiful day.”_

_“I love those mornings.”_

_“I know. I do as well.” Bellamy said, and was quiet for a second. “I love you because you make my life beautiful. Everything is a little brighter, a little better when you’re around. With you, its like waking up to the promise of a sunny day, every day. No matter what - rain, hail or shine.”_

_“I’m going to make this speech my alarm tone so I actually get out of bed in the mornings.”_

_“You’re going to be amazing at Harvard Clarke, you don’t need me.”_

_“I need you more than I think you know.”_

_Bellamy looked at the camera, his gaze intense. “Do you have enough for your video?”_

_“Yeah, why?”_

_Bellamy simply grinned, reaching over, and turning off the camera, the screen going black._

Clarke didn’t realise she was crying until the video ended, salty tears running down her face, the taste sticking to her lips, the tears themselves dripping onto the trackpad of her laptop. Pulling the sleeves of her jumper down over her hands, she tried to wipe her tears away, only succeeding her covering her favourite jumper in snot, and tears.

_(She said it was her favourite jumper, but she only really liked it because Bellamy had bought it for her, It was a Virginia Cavaliers sweater, the navy sweater emblazoned with orange. Clarke didn’t even_ **_like_ ** _baseball)_

Clarke looked up as the door opened, automatically feeling embarrassed as Alyssa walked in. “S-sorry.” She managed to say, trying to choke back tears. “You already think I’m crazy enough, without having to walk in on my crying by myself.”

“I don’t think you’re crazy Clarke.” Alyssa said. “I don’t really know you - I can’t say for sure if you are, or not.” She attempted to joke, wanting to cheer her clearly upset roommate up a bit.

“My boyfriend and I broke up right before I came here.” Clarke said, her voice tired. “I know I should have moved on by now, but…”

“Moving on is hard.”

“It would have been our two year anniversary today.”

Alyssa’s face softened. “I’m sorry Clarke.”

“Its hard to not think about what could have been, you know?” Clarke said quietly. “He had his flights booked to come out here for the whole weekend, and everything. I didn’t expect us to break up.”

Alyssa sat down on the edge of Clarke’s bed. “You’re allowed to have days when you miss someone a lot. If you guys were together that long, you’re not going to be able to do anything about missing them.”

Clarke nodded. “I wish I didn’t miss him.”

“You’ll get there.” Alyssa reassured. “The hardest part of any relationship ending is moving on from it. Take today to miss him - call one of your friends from home, they’re always calling you, right?”

“Right.”

“Then tomorrow, wake up with a new attitude.” Alyssa said. “It’ll hurt like hell, but wake up tomorrow, and tell yourself you’re going to move on. Theres lot of things to distract yourself with here, use that to your advantage. By time its Christmas, and you’re going home for winter break, you’re going to feel a little bit more OK about your relationship ending.”

“Thanks Alyssa.”

“Don’t mention it Clarke. Its hard enough to be here, and far from home, without having to deal with  a breakup as well.” Alyssa said. “I’m always here if you need to talk, okay? But maybe you should start returning your friend Octavia’s calls, because I’m about 99 percent certain she’s going to get a hold of my cellphone number and start calling  _me_ if you don’t.”

“No need.”

Clarke looked up to see Octavia standing in the doorway, flanked by Jasper and Monty. “W-what are you guys doing here?”

“We fancied a roadtrip.” Japser shrugged.

“And where better to go than Boston?” Octavia finished for him.

“Its a seven hour drive here from Washington.” Clarke was shocked.

“Good thing Monty loves to drive then, right?”

“You guys shouldn’t have-“

“Clarke.” Octavia interrupted. “We know what today is, okay? We wouldn’t be your best friends if we didn’t come, and try and make you feel better.”

“Plus, you weren’t returning our calls.”

Alyssa stood up, offering Clarke a small smile. “I’m going to head to the library Clarke - but remember what I said, okay? Tomorrow is a new day.”

Clarke nodded. “Thanks again Alyssa.”

“She’s really hot.” Jasper commented.

Octavia rolled her eyes. “Stop thinking with your penis Jas.”

Clarke watched her friends for a second, unsure of how to feel. She was relived they were here, honestly, but she would gave given anything to see another person walk through that door, bags in hand.

( _It was stupid, but she had hoped - his flights were booked, after all)_

Apparently her brain decided on hysterical, because she burst into tears less than a second later, sobs wracking her body.

“Oh, Clarke.” Octavia hated to see her friend so upset. “Come here.” She sat down next to Clarke, pulling her into a tight hug.

“I miss h-him so much O.” Clarke barely managed to speak through her tears.

“I know honey. I know.” Octavia rubbed her back in slow circles, trying to calm her down as Jasper closed her laptop, moving it off her desk so he and Monty could sit down. 

“We love you Clarke.” Jasper piped up, resting a hand on his friends shoulder. “You’re going to be okay.”

“If we have any say in the matter, you’re going to be more than okay Clarkey.” Monty added.

“Don’t push away Clarke, okay?” Octavia said, trying to wipe away Clarke’s onslaught of tears. “We know how hard this is for you, and we want to help.”

“We have popcorn and cheesy movies.” Jasper said, offering Clarke a packet of tissues.

“And,” Monty grinned. “A few stories about Jasper attempting to burn Georgetown down around him.”

“Accidentally!” 

Octavia offered Clarke a smile. “Its going to be okay Clarkey. Pinky promise.”

_(For the first time since she got to Harvard, Clarke thought maybe it would be)_

* * *

Bellamy was sitting in his bunk, lost in his thoughts. He knew full well what day it was. It had been playing on his mind the past few weeks, the thought of Clarke somehow sneaking past all the training, the running, the everything.

He figured he wouldn’t have much time to think about her. 

That had been his hope when he left for basic training - that he would just be too busy to think about her.

_(he was wrong)_

“Penny for your thoughts Blake?”

Bellamy looked up, one of his bunkmates, John, grinning at him. “Huh?”

“You’ve been lost in your own head today.”

Bellamy shook his head. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise to me Blake, I’m not your CO.” John shrugged. 

“Good think you aren’t, because I think what I’m doing counts as slacking off.”

John laughed. “Good thing training is nearly over then.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not excited to head home?” John said. “Man, I can’t wait to see all my family - my girlfriend.”

“I left in a hurry.” Bellamy admitted. “People aren’t going to be happy with me.”

“I’m sure they’ll be fine about it.”

“My mom is dealing with it. My sister’ll get there, I guess.”

“Sounds like theres more to your people than just your mom and sister.”

“Clarke.” The name felt strange as it rolled off his lips. He had been gone for close to three months, and he hadn’t said a single word about her to anyone. 

“Girlfriend?”

“Ex.”

“Ouch.” John said. “Were you guys together long?”

“Would have been two years today.” 

“Sorry to hear it man.”

Bellamy ran a hand over his short hair. The floppy mop he had always sported was long gone, the dark curls reduced to a tight shave. “I just have to deal with it.”

“Still, can’t be easy.” John said. “You guys end during basic? I know that puts a lot of strain on peoples relationships.  God knows Julia hated me for it at times.”

“We broke up because I came here.” Bellamy said. “She’s pre-med at Harvard, and I worked in an auto shop back home. Wanted something more, you know?”

John gave a low whistle. “Pre-med? You had a good one there.”

“Don’t I know it.” 

“Maybe you guys can figure it out.” John attempted to offer some advice.

“Nah, I think its pretty much done.” Bellamy said. “No going back for us. I’ll get over it, I guess.”

“Well you know man, the hardest part of any relationship ending is being able to let yourself move on. You get that, and you’ll be fine.”

“Thats some pretty good advice.”

John smiled. “Julia gives some great advice, I just learned it all from her.”

“I’ll have to meet this famous Julia someday.” Bellamy offered him a smile.

“Most amazing girl in the world - not that I’m biased or anything. Here, I’ll show you a picture…”

Bellamy half listened as John showed him a picture of his girlfriend, chattering happily about her, and his family. He couldn’t get the thought of Clarke out of his mind, he couldn’t stop thinking about the photo of her he had stashed at the bottom of his locker.

It was pretty old school, having an actual physical photograph, but his phone and laptop were in a locker somewhere else on base, along with everyone else’s. He wouldn’t admit it aloud, but Bellamy liked having an actual photograph - the one of his mom, and Octavia was stuffed in the book he had brought, but hadn’t even touched as a bookmark.

Clarke was different.

Clarke was his, and he hadn’t let go of her just yet. He wasn’t willing to put her on display for his all too rowdy, all too loudmouthed bunkmates to pass comment on.

Clarke was for him.

_(even if she wasn’t really, anymore)_

Moving on fucking  _sucked_.

* * *

It was a about a week since Octavia, Jasper and Monty had come to visit when Clarke found herself at a party, wearing a dress that showed off more legs than she felt comfortable with, her blonde hair hairsprayed half to death and her eyelids covered in glitter.

She looked good, sure. Good didn’t always equal comfortable.

But, she was trying to take Alyssa’s advice. Tomorrow was a new day and all that. 

If distracting herself didn’t work, maybe Clarke needed to move on. Once and for all. 

She scanned the packed backyard, the music overly loud, and people overly drunk. No one there was exactly relationship material, and there was a part of Clarke that was thankful for that.

It wasn’t like she had ever done no strings attached  _anything_ , so she wasn’t sure how to approach the whole idea. Looking out into the dancing, moving crowd, someone caught her eye. 

He was fairly average height ( _not even close to Bellamy’s towering stature)_ , his hair floppy, and a murky brown colour. He was dancing - badly - in the midst of the crowd, happily knocking back his drink.

Before she could talk herself out of it, Clarke pushed into the crowd, moving towards him. 

Without a word, she offered him a grin _(she didn’t care how fake it looked)_ and started to move, swinging her hips in an imitation of Octavia’s much more smooth, and refined dancing skills. He seemed to get the message, returning the gesture, their bodies pressed up against each other. 

Placing a hand on his chest, Clarke tried to swallow the strange feeling rising in her chest. He was skinner than Bellamy, his muscles thin underneath the shirt he was wearing. He was nothing like Bellamy, and she needed that.

_(right?)_

He kissed her first, pressing his lips to Clarke’s in a messy semblance of a kiss. It wasn’t messy because they were desperate, her mind instantly thinking of the times she and Bellamy had missed each others mouths in their desperation to be with each other.

He tasted like beer, stale and unappealing, the taste drastically different to the one she had become so accustomed to. Even in the moments he had been drinking, Bellamy tasted like something sweeter. She had never known what it was, but she knew when it was missing.

It was a kiss. It was OK.

It was OK, and it was moving on. She was moving on.

If moving on was the hardest part, she was doing it, and things could only get better. Right?

Hours later, when she got back to her dorm room, and saw the 23 missed calls from Octavia, she knew things were only getting started.

“O?” Clarke had said softly into her phone, trying not to wake Alyssa.

‘ _Clarkey?”_ She could hear the tears in her friends voice.  _“Mom died. She’s dead.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for the comments & kudos, i appreciate it more than you know! apologies for the delay in posting this, i'll be back to posting regularly from today!


	4. with death, comes anger.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bellamy and clarke fell in love in high school, and the ghost of their two year relationship seems to follow them as they get older. theres no escaping small town life, and apparently, theres no escaping your small town, high school sweetheart either.

**with death, comes anger.**

Bowman felt different when Clarke arrived, the bright green sign saying "Welcome to Bowman, Virginia" churning her stomach. She wanted to be home for a million different reasons - for literally  _anything_ other than the reason why she was actually home.

Aurora Blake had been like another mother to her, growing up. Clarke's parents had always worked long hours, and Aurora had, more often than not, been the one to pick her up from school, helping her and O out with their homework at the kitchen table, playing with them in the garden.

Her parents had been away the first time Clarke got her heartbroken - or so she had thought at the time. It was in elementary school, and this boy in her class - Kian Anderson - had thrown paint in her hair, and told her she was annoying, and icky. Clarke had thought the world of him at the time, and she had run into Aurora's arms crying.

 _"Boys Clarke,"_ Aurora had said, gathering the sniffling six year old into her arms. " _Are too silly to ever try and understand. You're going to meet a lot of awfully silly boys in your lifetime."_

_"That doesn't sound fun."_

_"No."_ Aurora admitted. _"But someday, you're going to meet a boy that isn't silly. He's going to make you smile, and you'll be OK."_

Clarke remembered how she had snuggling into Aurora's chest, her sleeves pulled down over her hands. _"I love you auntie."_

_"I love you too honey."_

Aurora had been another mother to her, and now she was gone. Clarke was so  _angry_ with herself, because she hadn't even said goodbye to her when she left for Harvard. She  _should_  have gone to talk to her, she should have waited until Aurora had finished work and said goodbye to her, said  _thank you_  but she didn't.

Aurora had always been so delighted she and Bellamy were together. They balanced each other out, she had said so many times. Clarke's cool head balanced out Bellamy's hot temper, Bellamy's passion had always fuelled Clarke's already passionate drive.

 _"Two halves of a whole."_ Aurora had joked one day, when Clarke and Bellamy had been sitting at the kitchen table, Clarke doing her homework.

_"Mom!"_

_"Oh, Bell. Ssh."_ Aurora had kissed the top of her sons head, laughing as he wriggled out of her grasp. " _Its a compliment. You two work so well together, it makes me so happy to see it. I know you two will always take care of each other, and thats all a mother could ever ask for."_

_She had smiled flashed them both a bright smile, leaving them to their own devices in the kitchen._

Even when Aurora started to get sick, her bright, loving personality never waned. She was diagnosed mid way through Clarke's senior year - she remembered it all too clearly. She and Bellamy had been watching  _(or more accurately, pretending to watch)_ a film, when they had heard a crash from upstairs.

Octavia was out with Jasper, and the only other person in the house was Aurora - the two of them had ran upstairs, finding Aurora passed out on the landing. What followed was a blur, a blur of panicking and ambulances, and Clarke driving to the hospital with a pale and shaking Bellamy sitting in her passenger seat.

Twelve hours of tests later, they came to a diagnosis - breast cancer. Clarke had watched as the Blake family's world collapsed around them, Octavia bursting into tears on the spot, and Bellamy had forgotten to breathe.

He had legged it from the waiting room, Clarke following him, trying to hold herself together for the sake of her best friend, and her boyfriend. Bellamy had been sitting against a wall, his breath coming in ragged gasps, his hands shaking.

Clarke had known what a panic attack was, and she had known Bellamy was having one, against that wall, almost a year ago. She couldn't shake the memory of how scared they had all been, how fearful they had been of the word  _cancer._

_"But they're made incredible advances in medicine, they can treat this!"_

Clarke's words seemed even more naive now she was thinking about them again, a year on, her hands gripping the wheel of her car. Aurora had been good for so long, the treatment kicking in, the tumours shrinking.

They had so much  _hope_. Abby had been overjoyed with Aurora's progress, and by time summer rolled around, Aurora had been pottering around her garden again, her dark hair finally growing back after months of intensive treatment.

It had been so good, so positive, and Octavia's phone call had rocked her world.

Octavia was hysterical on the phone, so Clarke hadn't a clue what had happened - she had rang Abby after Octavia ran out of tears, Jasper quietly coming on the phone to say that they were loading the car, and driving straight back to Bowman.

Apparently, Aurora had gone in for a routine check up a few weeks previously, and they found that the cancer wasn't just in her breasts anymore - it was in her liver, her lungs, it was even in her bones. They gave her six months to live - she didn't even last two.

_"Why didn't she tell anyone?"_

_"Because Clarke, she didn't want to worry O, or Bellamy, or you. She didn't want you all to give up your lives, and rush back to Bowman - like she knew you all would."_

_"I didn't get to say goodbye mom."_

_"Neither did Bellamy, or Octavia darling. They're going to need you."_

_They're going to need you._

**_They're going to need you._ **

**They're** _going to need you._

_They're._

She wasn't just facing Bowman, and every single nosey fucking person in the goddamn town, she wasn't just facing the funeral of a woman she had loved  _so much_ , she was facing him.

It was selfish, to be thinking about Bellamy at a time like this, but she was. Her mind just  _went_ there, it just went to him, and them, and what was left of their relationship.

She was afraid to see him. Clarke was honest to god afraid to see Bellamy, because she was going to have to face up to the decision she  _forced_  him to make.

_(but really, their relationship was going to be the last thing on anyones mind)_

She was going to have to swallow her pride, her anger, her frustrations, her  _everything_ , and put it all aside to be there for Bellamy, and Octavia. Regardless of what had happened with her and Bell, he needed her now.

His mom was dead.

Clarke pulled up outside her own house, carefully parking her car.

( _ignoring the memories that surfaced of a frustrated Bellamy attempting to teach her how to parallel park, their first summer together)_

The Blake's lived around the corner from her, the five minute walk lasting an eternity as she moved, her heart in her mouth.

( _She had never really known anyone who had died. What were you supposed to do? Say?)_

Knocking gently on the front door, Clarke let herself in after a second or two of silence. The house was sombre, a heavy silence filling every room. There was neighbours milling around, and she spotted her own parents in the kitchen, Jake making endless cups of tea, Abby sorting out the food people had dropped off for Bellamy and Octavia.

"C-Clarke?"

His voice was too familiar.

"I'm s-sorry, I should have-"

"Ssh." Clarke reassured, every bit of anger she felt disappearing as she took in Bellamy's broken expression. He was different looking, and that wasn't just because of the grief written all across his face. His hair was cut short, not a single dark strand out of place, his entire stature bigger, more intimidating.

He looked like a solider.

"Its okay Bell." Clarke continued, her voice low, and soft. "What happened between us doesn't matter today. I don't care about all that right now. Today, you and me are friends. Whatever you need, whatever you want, I'm here. Issues aside."

"Okay." Bellamy looked exhausted, his eyes red and sore, on the brink of fresh tears. She didn't need him to continue - Clarke could read Bellamy like an open book, and his silent, but nonetheless  _there_ thank you was clearly visible in his all too sad brown eyes.

"Come here." Clarke sighed, pulling him into her arms.

"I didn't get to say g-goodbye Clarke." Bellamy said, his voice muffled. His entire face was buried in her hoodie, and she could feel his tears starting anew, soaking into the thin grey material.

"I know. I know Bell - and I'm so sorry." Clarke rubbed slow circles on his back, trying to give him some kind of comfort.

"I just left - w-without even asking her if she was going to be OK with me gone!"

"O said your mom came around to the idea of you enlisting, in the end." Clarke said, pulling back so she could look at Bellamy properly. "You know that. You talked to her."

"Not enough." Bellamy tried to roughly wipe his tears away.

"She knew you loved her Bell." Clarke said. "You know that."

"Its easy to say that Clarke, but I'm the one who has to live with the fact I haven't spoken to my mom in nearly a month, and n-now she's dead."

"It is easy for me to say all this, you're right. I've never lost a parent." Clarke said. "But I knew your mom Bell. Aurora knows just how much you loved her."

"H-have you spoken to her recently?"

"About two weeks ago." Clarke admitted. "I hadn't been answering her calls, but… I finally did. She seemed okay. Happy."

"Was she saying goodbye?"

"No. She wanted to know what Harvard was like - all questions." Clarke said. "Like she always was."

Bellamy tried to choke back another sob. "She was so proud of you, you know."

"You're the one who got me there." Clarke said quietly, reaching out to wipe some of his tears away. "Its going to be OK Bell. I don't know how, or when, but its going to be OK."

"Clarke?"

Octavia's tiny voice interrupted their (almost) conversation.

"O… I'm so sorry." Clarke pulled her friend in for a hug without waiting for an answer. "I'm so sorry."

Octavia broke as Clarke spoke, heart wrenching sobs wracking her entire body. Clarke closed her eyes as Octavia sobbed, trying to stop the tears that had been on the brink of coming since she had gotten Octavia's phone call.

She hadn't cried in the twenty three hour period between her finding out, and finally getting to Bowman, but as Octavia fell apart in her arms, Clarke herself began to cry. Cry for Octavia, and Bellamy, and the heartbreak they were suffering, but most of all for Aurora - the most incredible, bright, funny, loving woman, who was now  _dead_.

Her life just  _taken_  from her, no time for goodbyes.

At nineteen, Clarke finally felt as though she was beginning to understand why people said the world was a simply unfair, unjust place.

* * *

 

It was late when Bellamy asked her, Clarke sitting on the couch, wedged between Octavia and Jasper. Most of the neighbours had left, leaving Clarke and her family, and Octavia and Bellamy's closest friends sitting in the living room.

They were all trying to comfort the Blake siblings, in their own way. Octavia was the kind of person who needed to know people were there, physically, so Clarke was holding her hand tightly, Octavia's legs swung across Clarke, and Jasper's laps.

Bellamy was different. He had never been a physical kind of person - he shied away from his own mothers hugs, for godssake. He didn't need the physical comfort of someones hand in his.

_(well… he had never been too bothered about physical boundaries when it came to her)_

_(she really wanted to hug him again)_

_(maybe being in the same room was enough)_

_(maybe)_

"Clarke?"

"Hm?" Clarke looked up as Bellamy said her name quietly.

"Would you speak at moms funeral tomorrow?"

Clarke was shocked. "I c-couldn't, I mean - why would you even want me to?"

"I wont be able to do it." Octavia said, her voice hoarse from crying.

"I've never been too good with words." Bellamy admitted. "You'll do mom justice."

"And she loved you." Octavia said quietly. "You were like another daughter to her."

"We'd just really like you to do it." Bellamy said. "Only if you want to."

"I mean… I'd love to." Clarke said. "But its your moms funeral, do you really want to trust me to say what needs to be said?"

"Theres no one else in this town that knew our mom like we did - no one except you." Bellamy said. "Trust me, mom would prefer you to speak than me."

"You're more eloquent." Octavia said, trying (and failing) to smile.

Clarke was quiet for a second. "Of course. Of course I'll do it."

* * *

Clarke's stomach was in knots as she moved to the front of the church, barely able to detach herself from Octavia's vice like grip. Octavia wasn't holding up very well, and had spent the past forty five minutes crying into Clarke's shoulder.

_(she would be the same if it was her mother in the coffin in front of them)_

"Bellamy and Octavia asked me to speak today." Clarke began, trying to smooth out the crumpled piece of paper in front of her. "Since they asked me last night, my mind has been whirling. What could  ** _I_** possibly say that could honour the life of Aurora Blake, this incredible, wonderful woman who I've known my whole life? I figured I could just stand up here, and tell you how incredible she was. Aurora was something different to everyone here - she was a mother, a friend, a co-worker. To me, she was my second mom. Calling her that had started out as a joke, after I spent three days in a row at the Blake's and accidentally called her mom when she asked me had I done my homework yet - but, what started as a joke, turned into something very real. I have a wonderful mother of my own, but I was blessed to have a second one."

"Aurora, she took care of me. Always. I could come running to her with a cut knee, a broken heart, anything, and she would scoop me up into her arms - even when I thought I was far too big, and grown up to be scooped up by anyone - and she would make me feel better. She told the most amazing jokes - I think everyone here can attest to that. It wasn't a conversation with Aurora Blake unless she made you laugh so hard, you were crying. She was the person to go to, on good days and even more so, on bad." Clarke paused to take a breath. "She was funny, clever, brilliant, and she achieved so much in her life - but she always said Bellamy and Octavia were her greatest achievements, and I'm inclined to agree. I like to think that Aurora would want me to talk about that today - anything Bellamy, or Octavia achieved, be it big or small, was important and worth talking about for Aurora. When Octavia won prom queen our junior year, I think Aurora walked on water for a week - you'd swear Octavia had been crowned queen of England. Thats just the tip of the iceberg - Bellamy and Octavia meant the world to Aurora, and I think she would be so overwhelmed by all the love and support people have been giving them since she passed away."

"My mom told me last night that Aurora's biggest fear when she got cancer was that there would be no one there to take care of Octavia and Bellamy. Despite what was happening to her, she still worried about other people. I think that shows how selfless she was, how willing she was to give up everything she had just so that the people she loved most in this world could be happy." Clarke said. "There aren't enough words, and there isn't enough time to truly describe the wonderful woman we're saying goodbye to today. Selfishly, I want to take this as an opportunity to say thank you - thank you for the love and friendship Aurora showed me over the years. Thank for for never giving up on me, even when I stopped returning her calls for longer than I am willing to admit - thank you for always believing that I'd pick up. Thank you for raising two people who will always me so incredibly important to me, and everyone they themselves know."

"You don't have to change the world to be remembered when you die. I think all you need to do is love, and you can't ever be forgotten. Aurora loved everyone. She poured all this love into everyone she knew, and she made us all better, in a way." Clarke continued, her focus on the coffin in front of her. "Her love lives on in Octavia, and Bellamy, and me, and my parents - her love lives on in the countless prom dresses she altered, the hundreds of wedding dresses and suits she stitched together, or fixed, and it lives on in the hearts of anyone who ever met her, because a love as selfless and as good as Aurora's doesn't die. Its simply passed on through the people  _she_  loved, to the people  _they_  love."

"Goodbye feels  _final._  I know that this is supposed to be a way to say goodbye, but I think I'd prefer to just say see you later. I don't know what I believe in, but I know Aurora believed with all her heart and soul that one day, she would be reunited with everyone she loved - somewhere, somehow - and right now, I want to believe that. So, see you later auntie. I love you."

Her fingers brushed against the cool wood of Aurora's coffin as she passed, Clarke's eyes fluttering shut. She was being honest when she said she didn't know what she believed in - if she believed in anything - but she felt something warm rising from within her as she passed Aurora's body.

"Thank you for that Clarke." Bellamy said softly, his voice grateful as she sat back down next to him. Octavia had curled up against her brother, the only space on the pew next to Bellamy.

Today wasn't a day for her.

Thats what Clarke kept telling herself as she found herself wedged between Octavia and Bellamy as they followed the coffin out of the church - its what she told herself when she gripped Bellamy's hand tightly at his mothers graveside, trying to bring him some sort of comfort.

Its what she told herself when she and Bellamy sat on the front porch of his house, hours later, swigging from a bottle of rum they'd nabbed from the kitchen. Octavia had long since cried herself to sleep, Jasper keeping guard at her side, Abby and Jake making sure everyone had a drink, a blanket - a hug, when needed.

"What am I going to do Clarke?"

Clarke swallowed, the rum bitter as it hit her throat. "Keep going."

"How?"

"No idea Bell. I have absolutely no fucking idea." Clarke admitted, passing the bottle to Bellamy. "Aurora would know what to say."

"Yeah." Bellamy sighed. "She would."

"Its always the people you need the most that aren't there."

"Like me?"

"Like you." Clarke confirmed. "Harvard sucked, for a really long time."

Bellamy took a swig of the rum. "So did basic training."

"Sucks to feel lonely."

"Sucks to not have you anymore."

"Don't… We shouldn't do this now Bell."

"You know what my mom said to me when she found out we had broken up?"

"I can only imagine."

" _Bellamy Blake! Will you get your head out of your ass and realise you're letting the love of your life get away_?" He imitated his mothers voice.

"You know shits going down when she pulls out the whole 'Bellamy Blake' thing." Clarke laughed.

Bellamy nodded, a half smile on his face. "She really loved you Clarke."

"I really loved her. I  _love_  her." Clarke corrected herself. "I want to do this for her, you know? Prove to her that I'm not a scared little girl, that she taught me better than to be afraid to do things."

"Me too." Bellamy said. "I mean - my mom saw straight through me staying here to train as a mechanic."

"I think everyone did."

"Not the point." Bellamy rolled his eyes. "She wanted more for me than I wanted for myself, and I want to be able to prove to her that I can be more, I can be that guy who has goals, and achieves things."

"The army doing that for you?"

"Don't start on me about that Clarke.`"

"I'm not starting on you." Clarke said. "I'm honestly curious. I told you, our issues don't matter right now."

"I like it." Bellamy confirmed. "Its.. fulfilling for me. I'm learning a lot, and I'm really enjoying it."

"You think you're going to do it forever?"

"I think I could."

Clarke nodded. "OK."

"Thats all I'm getting? OK?"

"OK." Clarke repeated. "I told you - I'm not going to start an argument, not tonight."

"Are you ever going to tell me why you hate the army so much?"

"Maybe."

"I think I kind of deserve to know Clarke."

"Not tonight Bell." Clarke said, passing him the bottle of rum again. "Not tonight."

"Not tonight." Bellamy echoed. "You're going to have to explain to me someday."

"Sure Bell." Clarke said. "Now are you going to take a drink or am I going to have to drink for the both of us?"

"Mom always liked rum." Bellamy took a drink. "Rum and cola."

"Your mom had great taste in alcohol."

"I know, we stole it often enough."

Clarke laughed. "Yeah, we did."

"I don't know what I'm going to do without her Clarke." Bellamy admitted. "Its been five days and I - I still feel like I can't breathe."

"I wish I had advice to give Bellamy, but…"

"This is the one thing you've never been through." Bellamy nodded. "I know."

"You've got a lot of people who love you, and O." Clarke said. "I think you'll be okay. Thats the one good thing about small towns, they really rally around people when they loose someone."

"Clarke Griffin, defending small town life. Never thought I'd hear those words coming from your mouth."

"I don't hate small towns." Clarke shrugged. "The longer I'm in Boston, the more I appreciate home."

"You have Dunkin Doughnuts in Boston though."

"True."

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, the two of them sitting on the front porch, drinking and thinking about the woman they'd just buried. Clarke could almost pretend like they were still together - not that she was doing that, or anything.

She was moving on.

_(or, at least trying to)_

It was just good to know that maybe she and Bellamy could be friends one day.

* * *

The calm before the storm, is what Clarke would call it in her head in the days that followed. She should have known her and Bellamy being OK was too good to be true - there was too much hurt there for the unspoken truce to last.

It had all kicked off a few days after the funeral, when Clarke was sitting in the Blake's living room, watching mindless TV with Octavia and Jasper. Octavia had ran off into the kitchen a few minutes previously, reappearing a few minutes later with a uniform clad Bellamy.

"You're going to be OK, right?"

Octavia nodded. "Clarke said I'm more than welcome to stay with her any time I want."

Bellamy kissed the top of her head. "Love you O."

"Love you Bell."

"Whats going on?" Clarke looked between the siblings. "Where are you going Bellamy?"

"I deploy tomorrow, I have to get back to North Carolina."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Everyone looked a little shocked at Clarke's choice of words.

"What now Clarke?"

"What now? What  _now?_ Oh my god, you are unbelievable." Clarke could feel the colour rising in her cheeks. "Can I talk to you?  _Outside_?"

"Sure." Bellamy looked exasperated. "Lead the way, princess."

The nickname was laced with sarcasm, and Clarke tried to ignore how much it hurt as she marched out through the kitchen, and into the garden. It was cold, but she barely acknowledged it, too riled up to care that she was only wearing a thin sweater.

"I thought you said you weren't going to argue with me."

"That was before you decided to fuck off, and leaving your grief stricken sister alone." Clarke snapped. "Octavia  _needs_ you right now Bellamy."

"So does my unit."

"Oh my god, are we living in some kind of shitty buddy film now? You head off to war with your bunkmates and make a difference in this world by terrorising local people and getting yourselves  _killed_?"

"You have a really twisted view of the army -"

" **Not**  what this is about Bellamy."

"Well, you wont tell me what your problem is with the military, so I'm kind of at a loose end here Clarke." Bellamy said. "Not every solider dies."

"Not every solider lives, either." Clarke retorted.

"Look, I don't have time for this, I have a bus to catch."

"Of course. Walk away instead of dealing with your problems - thats becoming a habit of yours, isn't it?"

"Oh, no way. You don't get to do this."

"Do what?"

"Make  _me_  out to be the bad guy. Don't even try and deny it Clarke - absolutely fucking  _everyone_ thinks I'm the bad guy in this whole situation." Bellamy said. "But I'm not. This - this whole thing - its on  _you_ princess."

"Oh, fuck you."

"Tell me Clarke, if I had offered you the same ultimatum - me, or Harvard - would you have picked me? Would you have picked this stupid fucking town?" Bellamy was furious. "Come on princess, be honest with everyone for once."

Clarke's silence said all that needed to be said.

"I thought so. You would have picked Harvard, because you want to be successful. How is me choosing the army any different? I was willing to do the long distance thing. I would have come and lived with you in Boston any time I wasn't deployed. I even looked into me being  _based_  out of Boston, just so we could be together." Bellamy said. "You're the one who forced me to make the choice I did - you don't get to be the good guy. You're the bad guy in this situation."

"There is something seriously wrong with you if you thought I was going to sit around and wait for you to come home after six months in a warzone." Clarke said. "And then, I'd have to watch you leave again. I would never have done it - you wouldn't have done it if I was the one joining the army."

"Actually Clarke, I would have - I would have supported you, no matter what." Bellamy said. " _You and me against the world Bell_  - or don't you remember that?"

"Of course I remember -"

"Then why Clarke, does it feel like its you and the world against me?"

"Because you're making stupid fucking choices."

"Why is the army a stupid choice? Come on Clarke, tell me - tell me why I'm so stupid. You're the one getting a Harvard education, I'm sure you can find the words to explain."

"Don't be an asshole."

"Then fucking  _tell_ me Clarke!"

"Because!" Clarke exploded. "Because you never come home the same person as you left. My dad never did. He and my mom, they met in high school - like us - they got married before my mom went to medical school, and they were so in love it was ridiculous. Then, my dad got enlisted into some stupid military engineering gig, and he deployed, and that was it. They can pretend all they liked, but I'm not an idiot. I know they're not the same people who married each other. I know my dad isn't my dad anymore. He can act, and hide all he wants. but he is a shell of who he used to be."

Clarke's chest was heaving. "My parents used to be so in love, and sure, they still are - but its not like it used to be. I'm not willing to have that happen to me - I couldn't stand watching you fade away into a shell of the person you were when I fell in love with you. I couldn't stand the idea that you'd wake up next to me, and not be as in love with me as you were when we were teenagers. I couldn't take the risk that one day, you were going to wake up and not want to be with me anymore. Being in the army  _changes_ you as a person - regardless of what you do to survive, you come home different, every single time."

"Thats fucking selfish."

"What?"

"You're being selfish." Bellamy said. "You didn't want me to change? What, did it suit you to have a small town mechanic on your arm? Maybe I could have been a house husband?"

"Don't twist my words."

"I'm not. You gave me that ultimatum for selfish reasons, and you're standing out here with me right now, for selfish reasons. This isn't about Octavia - this is about you not getting what you want for the first time in your life,  _princess_ , and you're blaming it on me." Bellamy yelled. "I can't fucking believe you Clarke."

"Well you know, I'm finding it hard to  _believe_ you right now too Bellamy - because you are not the person I fell in love with."

"Neither are you."

"You're telling me I'm selfish - what about you, huh? You can't deal with real problems, so you're running. Give me whatever bullshit line about serving your country that you want, but it doesn't change the fact you're running - running from the fact you really don't have any idea what you want to do with your life, and being a solider is a step up from fixing cars, at the very least."

"Get off your high horse Clarke -"

" _Fuck. You._ " Clarke yelled back. "You have no right to call me selfish when you're acting the same way. Yeah, I was being selfish when I told you to chose. I was being selfish because I wanted you to stay, I wanted you to chose me. But you? You're leaving your nineteen year old sister alone for Christmas, right after your mom died, because you, Bellamy Blake, are a scared little boy underneath all that bravado. You don't want to face up to the fact you don't know what to do."

"Come on Clarke - keep giving me all these home truths. My mom just died - a lecture is  _just_  what I need right now. Its daddy issues, right? Daddy issues are the reason I'm doing this. Come on - you're taking psych classes at Harvard, right? Diagnose me,  _doctor._ "

"Maybe Bellamy, if you'd had a dad, you might have learned to man up and take care of the people you love, instead of being such a scared, selfish little boy." Clarke regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth, scrambling to take it back. "Bell, I -"

"Fuck you." Bellamy interrupted, his expression angry, his eyes shining with tears. "Fuck you Clarke. I don't have to stand here and take your shit. So fuck you. I thought you were better than that."

Clarke choked back a sob. "I didn't mean it."

"But you said it." Bellamy said, his voice scarily steady. "You know what you are Clarke? A self-centered, egotistical  _princess_ , and you know what? I'm fucking glad you told me to chose, because I made the right choice. You're not worth all this hassle." He spat. "Have a nice life - or, don't. I don't care anymore."

Clarke watched as he turned, and stormed back into the house, breaking down in tears. Sinking to the floor, she started to cry hysterically, her chest  _hurting_  from the sheer force of her cries. With all her heart, she wanted Bellamy to walk back into the garden, so she could apologise, and try and make things right.

In the heat of the moment, she had said something to him that she was going to regret for the rest of her life.

"Clarke?"

She shouldn't have gotten her hopes up. It didn't even  _sound_  like him.

Clarke looked up, looking at who it was through blurry eyes. "Hi Finn."

"I brought some food around, I was wondering if you wanted some. Are you okay Clarke? Bellamy seemed pretty angry…"

"Its fine, Finn." Clarke rubbed roughly at her eyes. "Just, give me a minute. Octavia doesn't need to see me like this, she has enough to deal with right now."

"Okay." Finn nodded. "You'll be okay?"

"Yeah." Clarke lied. "I'll be OK."

_(OK? What did that even feel like?)_


	5. lines of communication

**lines of communication**

Clarke had mastered the art of avoiding Bowman, Virginia. It was a talent at this point. As soon as Christmas was over, Clarke had loaded up her car, and headed straight home to Boston - lying through her teeth to Octavia as she did so.

“ _What happened between you and Bell? Clarke, he looked like he was going to punch a wall when he left the house. Are you two fighting?”_

_“O, theres nothing wrong. Bellamy and I are okay.”_

_“Promise?”_

_“Promise.”_

She had felt bad, in the beginning. Octavia didn’t deserve to be treated like that - but, Clarke knew knowing the full extent of her and Bellamy’s fighting would hurt her more than the lying. 

_(She had to keep telling herself that so she wouldn’t think about the fact she was lying to her very,_ **_very_ ** _best friend)_

Clarke had managed to get an internship over the summer holidays, feeding her friends and family the excuse of her furthering her career experience. What Clarke didn’t tell them was that it wasn’t a medical internship - she was working with a newspaper in Boston for the summer.

Kind of a career turn around, if anyone found out.

But, she couldn’t go back to Bowman.

_(not yet)_

Going back to Bowman would mean facing Bellamy, and everyone else. Mainly Bellamy. Clarke wasn’t ready to do that. 

She wasn’t sure if she was  _ever_ going to be ready to do that. 

She didn’t even miss Bowman that much, anyway.

It had only been nine months since she was last home - that wasn’t even enough time to miss somewhere.

_(Thats what she told herself, at least)_

Clarke was barely in the door of her tiny apartment when her phone buzzed.

_“Get on Skype.”_ Octavia had commanded via text.

Trying to ignore the mess of nerves in her stomach as she opened up her laptop, Clarke signed into her Skype account, accepting Octavia’s call.

“Hey O, how are you -“

**“Shut up.”**  Octavia looked furious. 

“O-okay.” 

Before Octavia could say anything, another person joined the conversation - it was Bellamy. 

“ _Octavia, I swear to God-“_

“Shut the hell up, both of you.” Octavia said. “I am so sick of this. Both of you are treating me like I’m a baby.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about O.” 

“Sure you don’t Clarke. I’m not stupid - I heard you two fighting that day in the backyard. I  _know_  why neither of you have come home since. Do you really think I wouldn’t notice? That I wouldn’t  _care_?”

**_“_ ** _O, its none of your business -“_

“None of my business?” Octavia practically yelled. “Oh, its my business when my best friend and my brother decide to completely abandon me, barely answer their phones -  _never_ come home.”

Clarke sighed. “I never wanted you to get hurt O.”

“Hows that working out for you Clarke?” Octavia demanded. “Do I look like I’m not hurt? I’m fucking  _lonely._  You’re two of the most important people in the world to me, and you’ve just abandoned me. I know you’ve had plenty of opportunities to come home - Bell, you got back three months ago. You didn’t get a single day of leave since then? And you Clarke - you’re doing an internship for a  **newspaper**?Are you fucking  _serious_?”

“ _Thats pretty bad Clarke._ ”

“Oh, like you have a leg to stand on here Bellamy.” Clarke snapped.

“You’re both as bad as each other.” Octavia said. “I don’t care what happened between you. But do something to fucking  _fix_  it, because I want my brother and my best friend back. I swear to God, if I have to drive to get both of you, and bring you back to Bowman myself to sort this out, I will - but I am not living like this anymore.”

“Theres nothing to fix.” Clarke said. “Your brother and I are done.”

“Then  **why**  wont you come home?”

_“Its not that easy Octavia.”_

“Well, find a way to make it easy. Both of you need to find a way to co-exist, because - because I need you both, okay? It is not fair to make me, and all your friends and family suffer because of whatever went down between you two.  _Jesus Christ_  Clarke, I’ve seen  **Wells**  more often than I’ve seen you lately.” Octavia looked visibly upset. “If you aren’t both in Bowman next week for my birthday - I organised my own party this year, by the way - I am done with both of you.”

“Octavia, you can’t-“

“I can do what I want. I am  _not_ a child, despite how you have both been treating me. If you aren’t both back in Bowman for my birthday party, and aren’t able to stay in the same  _goddamn_ room - I don’t even care if you’re friends anymore - I am one hundred percent, unapologetically finished with both of you. I don’t deserve to be treated like this.”

Clarke didn’t know what to say - and she could see from the screen that her expression of horror, and general  _upset_ was the exact same as Bellamy’s.

“O, I’m sorry -“ 

“Save it Clarke.” Octavia said. “I’ve said everything I need to say. I’m signing off - and you two better sort this the fuck out because I am done with being treated like this by you two.”

Octavia angrily shut her screen down, leaving Bellamy and Clarke in a stunned silence.

“Bellamy, I -“

Before Clarke could even get the sentence out, Bellamy turned off his camera and signed out of the conversation. She had never seen him as angry as he was with her, and however upset it made her, she knew she deserved it.

What she had said to him about his father - or, more accurately, lack thereof - was unforgivable. It was his one and only touchy subject. Everything else had aways been approachable, once you got close to him, but his dad? No way.

She should have known better. She fucking  _knew_  better. Clarke had just wanted to hurt him, that day in the garden. Hurt him like he was hurting her.

Clarke sighed, closing her laptop. 

She didn’t have a choice in the matter anymore - she had to go back to Bowman. She couldn’t risk loosing Octavia.

She was just going to have to figure out a way to make it up to Bellamy, apologise - or, just avoid him altogether. 

Maybe more importantly, she had to make it up to Octavia. 

_(how much alcohol and chocolate was this apology going to take?)_

* * *

Clarke scowled at the  _“Welcome to Bowman, Virginia”_ sign as she passed it, less than happy to see it after close to an eleven hour drive from Boston. Not for the first time since she had moved to Boston, Clarke cursed her parents for settling in a small town in Western Virginia in the middle of  _nowhere._

“Fuck off sign.” She grumbled, stopping at the town’s one and only intersection. You went straight on for the main street, east for most of the towns houses, and west if you felt like driving into the countryside and doing  _nothing_.

She had liked this place, once.

Now it just held too many memories.

Clarke turned on her indicator, turning east, and heading for her house, passing the town’s overly large park as she did so.

( _She and Bellamy had sex in the parking lot of the park once….)_

“ _Goddamnit_  it Clarke, pull yourself together.” She muttered to herself.

She needed to pull herself together - and quickly, because Octavia’s party was in a matter of hours, and she really wanted to get there before it got crazy, and actually talk to her. Clarke had an awful lot of grovelling to do.

Pulling into her drive, Clarke couldn’t hide the smile on her face as she saw her dad waiting at the open front door, grinning widely.

“Hey daddy.” Clarke said, stepping out of her car.

“Long time no see sweetheart.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” 

“We all deal with things in our own way.” Jake said, hugging her tightly. “I’m just glad you decided to come and see us.”

Clarke relaxed as her dad hugged her, the familiarity of the embrace making her feel a lot more OK than she had done for the whole summer so far. “I love you.”

“I love you too honey.” Jake replied, kissing the top of her head. “Lets get your stuff inside - I know you probably want to go straight over to see Octavia and Bell.”

“Yeah, I’m excited to see Octavia.”

“Not Bellamy?”

“Things are…. Bad? Things are bad with me and Bell right now.” 

“Do I need to to and beat up my favourite son?”

Clarke shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. “I messed up big time.”

Jake looked concerned. “I’m sure its not that bad Clarke, honey -“

“I told him that he might be more of a man and stick around for O, and me if he had a dad.” Clarke interrupted. “Trust me dad, its worse than bad.”

“Oh, Clarke.”

She could hear the disappointment in her dad’s voice. Clarke turned her focus to her trunk, reaching for a suitcase. “I don’t know why I even said it.” She admitted as they walked towards the house. “We were arguing, and I just… I got so angry with him, you know? I got so angry and I had said it before I could stop myself.”

“Was this at Christmas? Just putting two and two together here Clarke.”

Clarke nodded. “We haven’t spoken since then.”

“Neither of you have been home since then, either.” Jake said, lifting half her luggage into the hallway in one go. “Sounds to me like you and Bell need to have a serious talk.”

“I don’t think he’ll want to talk to me dad. What I said was unforgivable -“ 

“Nothing in this world is unforgivable when it comes to you two - I think, anyway.” Jake interrupted. “You had a scarily grown up relationship when you were teenagers Clarke - you’re nearly twenty, Bell is twenty one soon. If you could talk like adults when you were seventeen, you sure as hell can do it now.”

“You think so?”

“I think so.” Jake confirmed. “If you were that in love with someone once, its hard to hold a grudge forever. You should talk to him - but maybe not today.”

“Definitely not today. I have enough to apologise to Octavia about without starting a fight at her birthday party. Are you and mom coming?”

Jake nodded. “I’m going to hang around here and wait for your mom, she’s working until four. We’ll follow you over.”

Clarke nodded, slinging her handbag over once shoulder, and grabbing an elaborately wrapped box with her other hand. “Wish me luck?”

“You wont need it sweetheart.” Jake said. “Though - if a fist fight happens to break out between you and Bell, call the police before you call me, because I’m going to find it hard to pick between my two favourite children.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Good to know dad. I’ll see you in a while!”

The five minute walk to the Blake’s house was too short for Clarke’s liking. There had been days where she couldn’t get there fast enough, and on the one day she needed some breathing space, she was on the doorstep and ringing the doorbell before she could blink an eye.

A few seconds later, the door swung open, revealing Octavia. Her face fell as she looked at Clarke, her expression hardening.

“I know I have a lot to apologise for.” Clarke said. “But I’ll start with one thing, okay? I’m sorry I have been the worst friend in the entire world. You deserve so much more than that.”

“I do.”

“And I really hope you can forgive me for letting other stuff get in the way of our friendship, because I don’t know what I’d do without you O. Okay? You’re like my sister, and if you’re done with being mine…” Clarke trailed off. “Please forgive me O.”

“Of course you’re forgiven Clarkey.” Octavia sighed, reaching out to hug her. “You were forgiven the minute you knocked on my door.”

“I love you O.” Clarke said into her mane of dark hair. “And you have no idea how sorry I am, really. I’m going to make it up to you.”

“You being here makes up for it.”

“And I’m here for three weeks!” Clarke said. “I finished my internship, so I’m here until the semester starts. Three weeks of us hanging out and me making up for being so absolutely shit, I promise.”

Octavia beamed at her. “I don’t just get you for the weekend?”

“Three weeks.” Clarke shook her head. “I’m not going anywhere expect here, and my bedroom to sleep for the next three weeks. I don’t even need that much sleep, honestly - so I can just stay here.”

“Thank you.” Octavia said. “For being here Clarke.”

“It took me long enough, right?” Clarke tried to joke. “Here - this is for you.”

“You didn’t have to get me something so  _big_  -“

“Think of it as a birthday present and a “I’m sorry I’m such a shit best friend” present.” 

Octavia nodded. “Thanks Clarke.”

“Can I come in then?”

“Of course! Sorry, everyone is out in the garden.”

Clarke tried not to think about who everyone would entail. “Lets get this party started then, right?”

Octavia set Clarke’s present down on the couch, and grabbed Clarke’s hand. “I have so much to tell you Clarke, its not even funny - and oh! I made sure to get those strawberry laces you love so much, because I know how weird you are with sweets, and did I tell you I picked a major? I’m majoring in communications, its so interesting….”

Clarke smiled as she listened to Octavia ramble, letting herself get pulled through the house and into the garden.

“GUYS! Clarke is here!”

Clarke’s heart was in her mouth as she was met with an awkward silence. Bellamy was sitting on the garden table, looking completely at ease and comfortable - until they made eye contact, of course, and he seemed to completely stiffen.

“Clarke.” He eventually greeted.

“Bellamy.” Clarke returned nervously.

“I better check the barbecue.” Bellamy said abruptly, standing up. He looked good, Clarke had to admit - his hair was slightly grown out, presumably because he was on leave from the army, and he had only filled out and grown into himself more since she had last seen him.

Raven let out a low whistle as Bellamy stalked across the garden towards the barbecue, beer in hand. “That was  _cold_.”

“Trust me,” Clarke sighed. “Thats progress.”

“I’m still trying to figure out how you two went from the most loved up couple in the world to being at each others throats.” Monty commented.

“Can we not talk about it?” Clarke pleaded. 

“I’m putting broken relationships off the table when it comes to conversation tonight.” Octavia commanded. “And you have to listen to me because its my birthday. Plus, I don’t want screaming matches at my party.”

“What happened between me and Clarke happened between me and Clarke. No one else’s business.” Bellamy added, taking a swig of beer. 

“Yessir Lieutenant Blake  _sir_.” Raven responded, grinning cheekily.

Just like that, the awkward tension seemed to lift, and Clarke grabbed herself a beer, sitting down next to Jasper. Her and Bellamy didn’t talk, didn’t look at each other - but if anyone noticed, they didn’t comment on it.

It was nice, to be back home, and sitting around with her friends, catching up. They all led such different lives now, went to different universities, majored in different things. There was a comfort to knowing that despite their varying interests, they were still friends, that high school wasn’t the only thing keeping them together.

The garden started to fill up  after a couple of hours, neighbours and old classmates milling around, catching up and drinking. It wasn’t the wild party Clarke had expected Octavia to throw, but she guessed even Octavia knew that sometimes you needed a quiet night with the people you love most in the world to  _really_  celebrate.

Conscious of her parents presence at the party, Clarke nursed her beers and made sure that the alcohol didn’t go straight to her head. She liked her parents not knowing what she was like as a drunk, thank you very much.

“I’m going to go grab some water.” Clarke said, forcing herself out of the chair she had been comfortably lounging in. “Anyone else want anything?”

“No, I think we’re good Clarke.” Finn responded, offering her a smile she didn’t quite return.

Wrapping her thin cardigan around herself, Clarke headed for the house. It was strange to be at the Blake’s house with Aurora well and truly gone - her memory lingered, sure, but at every birthday party for Octavia, or Bellamy, for as long as she could remember, Aurora had been the one bustling around, offering people drinks and more food.

Abby and Jake seemed to have taken on that role in her place, making sure everyone had enough to eat, that there was enough cake and napkins to go around.

It was at moments like this, when the best of the town seemed to be gathered in one place, making conversation and making each other laugh, that Clarke really loved Bowman with all her heart.

Reaching for a glass, Clarke padded towards the fridge where she knew the water jug was. She was leaning against the counter, sipping the deliciously cool drink when Bellamy walked in.

“Hey, Bellamy.”  


She was a little tipsy and too tired to even care anymore.

“Clarke.” Bellamy said, nodding slightly. 

“I’m sorry, you know.”

“Clarke, don’t…”

“I’m not trying to start anything. Its O’s birthday, and we already owe her enough as it is.” Clarke said. “I just need you to know how sorry I am. I don’t expect you to forgive me or anything. I just need you to know.”

“OK.”

“I was hoping for more than OK.”

“What do you want me to say Clarke?”

“I don’t know.” Clarke admitted. “But I know that you and I really need to sit down and actually talk about everything that happened.”

“Why?”

“Because we broke up nearly a year ago and we still can barely look at each other?” Clarke said. “Its the grown up thing to do. We’re grown ups.”

“I don’t really feel like being a grown up right now.” Bellamy said, grabbing another beer from the fridge.

“I don’t mean we need to talk right now.” Clarke said. “However much I would like to be a little tipsy while having the kind of talk we  _need_  to have, I definitely shouldn’t be. Comes with being a grown up.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready to sit down and talk to you.”

“When are we going to do it then? Another year down the line? We need to let each other move on.” Clarke said, pausing to take a sip of her water. “We’re… We’re prolonging the heartbreak by avoiding the conversation we need to have.”

“I don’t know.. I’ll think about it.”

“Thats all I’m asking.” Clarke said. “I’m here for another three weeks anyway.”

“CLARKE!” Jaspers excited roar drew their attention to the garden again. “Get your camera, Abby has the cake!”

“I better go. Duty calls.” Clarke set her glass down on the sink, grabbing her camera off the kitchen table. 

It felt as though a weight had been lifted as she walked back out into the garden.

The first step was opening the lines of communication, right?

* * *

It was a nearly a week later when Bellamy texted her. It was early Saturday morning, and Clarke was half heartedly reading a new book. 

_You’re right. We should talk._

Clarke’s fingers hovered over the keyboard, unsure of what to reply.

_OK. When?_

She stared at her phone screen, waiting for Bellamy to reply.

_Coffee Bean, 11?_

A public place.

At least they couldn’t kill each other, right?

_Sounds good. See you then._

Looking at her watch, Clarke sighed, and hauled herself out of bed. She needed to shower.

_(and she kind of_ **_wanted_ ** _to look presentable. was that a weird thing to want?)_

It was nearly eleven when Clarke was finally ready, her hair still damp around her shoulders. Glancing in the mirror, she took a shaky breath. She was wearing an old sundress she still loved, the floral pattern worn and well loved.

“You can do this.”

_(she had been so much more confident about talking to Bellamy when she had been a little tipsy)_

Everything felt too quiet as she drove to the Coffee Bean, obsessively checking her reflection in the mirror.

_(she was being so stupid)_

Parking her car across the street from the Coffee Bean, Clarke grabbed her handbag and headed for the little coffee shop. Scanning the window seats, she could see that it was a relatively busy morning.

Why would Bellamy pick here? It was  _busy_ , and they’d know absolutely everyone.

Clarke didn’t exactly want people eavesdropping on the conversation they were about to have.

Tucking a stray curl behind her ear, Clarke stepped inside and looked around the cafe for Bellamy. He was sitting at a fairly secluded table, two coffees sitting in front of him.

“Sorry I’m late. I lost track of time.” 

Bellamy shook his head. “Its fine - I was early.”

There was a pause as Clarke sat down across the table from him.

“You still drink skinny vanilla lattes, right?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah.” Clarke nodded, looking at the coffee. “Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I figured we’d need the coffee.”

“Everyone’s expecting world war three, aren’t they?” Clarke said. “Octavia seemed genuinely scared when I told her I was meeting you.”

“We don’t have a great track record right now, do we?”

“No.” Clarke sighed. “We don’t.”

Another silence.

“You couldn’t shut the two of us up, once upon a time.” Clarke commented, running a finger along the rim of her mug absently.

“Long time ago now.”

“Its only a year ago.” 

“A lots happened this year.” Bellamy said, not quite looking at her. 

“Where do we even start?” 

“I don’t know.”

“Can I start with an apology?”

“Clarke -“

“Look, hear me out Bellamy.” Clarke said. “What I said to you about your dad… It was uncalled for. We were angry, sure, but I should never have said it. No matter what was happening between us, I had no right to ever bring  _him_  up. I’m sorry, I really am.”

“OK.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Bellamy nodded. “You shouldn’t have said what you said - it  _really_ fucking hurt Clarke, but i can’t hate you forever because of it. We both said a lot of things we didn’t mean that day.”

Clarke sighed. “A  _lot_  of things we didn’t mean.”

“I don’t think you’re the bad guy here Clarke.”

“But I am.” Clarke said. “I forced you to make an impossible choice, and then I blamed you for it. It was pretty judgemental of me to hate you for choosing the army because… If you had given me the same ultimatum, I would have chosen Harvard.”

“I know. I wouldn’t have expected you to do anything else.”

“I hated you for choosing the army. Part of me still does.” Clarke said. “I didn’t know how to function without you when I got to Boston, and I didn’t know how you were - so my brain assumed that you were perfectly fine.”

“I wasn’t.” Bellamy shook his head. “I really wasn’t anywhere near perfectly fine Clarke. Everyone said it - we were two halves of a whole when we were together, and all of a sudden I was on my own. I didn’t know what to do, how to do anything.”

“My roommate thought I was certifiably crazy because I cried myself to sleep for the first two weeks of college.”

“Clarke…”

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad or anything. It happened, whatever.” Clarke said. “I’m just trying to be honest with you.”

“Can I be honest with you for a second?”

Clarke nodded.

“You were being selfish, when you gave me that ultimatum. I said a lot of stuff I didn’t mean at Christmas, but I did mean that - you let your feelings about the army get in the way of your feelings for me, and you gave me a selfish ultimatum.”

“Yeah, I know.” Clarke said, pausing to take a drink of coffee. “It was selfish of me - but I can’t apologise for that. I wanted you to be safe.”

“No one’s ever really safe.”

“But you’d be safer here than in a war zone.” Clarke said. “I’m not going to try and argue with you over the army, not again. I guess I’m trying to explain to you  _why_ I justified being so selfish - in my head, at least.”

“You were moving on, going to this amazing university. I wanted to be something more than this small town mechanic, you know? The world was getting too small, and I was starting to hate it. I should have talked to you before I enlisted, but I think I still would have done it Clarke. I needed something more than Bowman and working for that asshole in the auto-shop.”

“He is an asshole, isn’t he?”

Bellamy couldn’t help but laugh. “The biggest asshole.”

“I think I can understand why you enlisted.” Clarke said. “Its like what you did for me, right? You pushed me to want something more for myself, and in the end you pushed yourself to want more for  _yourself_ as well.”

“Thats pretty much it, yeah.” Bellamy said. “Did you really think the army would change me that much?”

“Yeah. I’ve seen it happen Bell - to my parents. I couldn’t imagine you ever not being the boy I fell in love with in high school.”

“We were always going to change and grow up.”

“I know.” Clarke said. “I always thought we’d be doing it together.”

“Me too.”

There was another silence, a slightly more comfortable one.

“Maybe you and I were just supposed to be in love in high school Bell.” Clarke found herself saying.

“Do you really believe that?”

“I have to start believing that.” Clarke admitted. “I have to believe that I didn’t make the worst decision of my life that night at the lake, because if I don’t, I’m going to drive myself crazy thinking about what could have been.”

“It could have been good.”

“Sure, it could have been amazing. Or we could have dragged on for years, me resenting you for joining the army, you resenting me for resenting you.” Clarke shrugged. “We don’t know.”

“I don’t think I can ever believe you and I were destined for high school, and high school alone.” Bellamy said quietly. “What we felt was real Clarke.”

“I’m not denying it was real.” Clarke said. “You will always,  _always_  be my first love - the first person to make me feel loved, the first person to take my breath away with a  **just** look. I will always be so thankful for the time we spent together - you pushed me to be something great, and here I am, at Harvard. Thats because of you.”

“I’m proud of you Clarke.”

“I might not agree with you joining the army Bell, but I guess I’m proud of you for finding something you love to do. I’m not ever going to pretend to be okay with it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not proud of you.”

There was a pause.

“You were my first love too Clarke.”

“I know.”

“Do you still love me?”

“I’ll always love you Bell.” Clarke admitted after a moments thought. “Always.”

Bellamy nodded. “I’ll always love you too, princess.”

Clarke couldn’t help but smile at the nickname. “We had some good times together.”

“Some of the greatest.” Bellamy confirmed. “I want you to be happy Clarke.”

“I want you to be happy too Bellamy - more than anything.” Clarke said. “I don’t want us to fight, and argue all the time. I want you to move on, and be happy - and do amazing things.”

“And for us to do that you think we need to start believing we were only meant for high school?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe. I really don’t know Bell.” Clarke said. “I’m just trying to figure out how to move on, you know? I never thought I’d have to move on from you, and I’m not sure how.”

“I wish I could tell you there was a magical cure, but I don’t know either.” 

“Its going to be a grieving process, I guess.” Clarke said thoughtfully. “We’ve been fighting, and arguing for so long since we broke up, I don’t think either of us ever really had a chance to  _mourn_  the end of our relationship. Our break up was one of the biggest things that happened to both of us, and we never really processed it, did we?”  


“No.” Bellamy admitted. “I think its only really starting to hit me that its over now.”

“Maybe thats why people have these conversations. To start the grieving process.”

“I’m going to miss  _us_.” Bellamy said, running a hand through his hair.

_(His biggest nervous habit, Clarke remembered.)_

“I’m really going to miss us.” Clarke said. “You made me so happy.”

“You made me so happy. Happier than I can even describe.” Bellamy said. “Not that I was ever any good with words anyway.”

“Trust me Bell, you have your ways with words.” Clarke said, grinning.

“Yeah?”

“You’ve definitely made me weak at the knees a few times.”

Bellamy’s eyes sparkled. “Glad to hear that, princess.”

Another silence.

“Thank you.” Clarke said, and suddenly reached to give him a tight hug. “Not just for today. For everything. I don’t know if I ever told you that enough.”

Bellamy buried his face in her shoulder, the action  _too_  familiar. “Thank you for everything too Clarke. You made me a better person, you know?”

Clarke simply hugged him harder, trying to convey everything she couldn’t quite put into words in her actions. She had never had a relationship end, not really, and she wasn’t sure what you were meant to do, say.

Maybe thank you was enough for today.


	6. it comes in twos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bellamy and clarke fell in love in high school, and the ghost of their two year relationship seems to follow them as they get older. there's no escaping small town life, and apparently, theres no escaping your small town, high school sweetheart either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a slight warning here - this chapter lives up to the angst tag.

**it comes in twos**

Clarke ran a tired hand through her hair as she shoved the last of her stuff into the back of her small car, trying to remember if she had everything. It was a week to Christmas, and she was about to head home.

_Home._

After she and Bellamy had talked things through, she felt a lot better about going back to Bowman when the holidays rolled around. It still hurt, and she did still miss him, but she was getting there. Clarke used to miss him every single day, but now it was more like every once and a while - when something good happened, when she found a great new coffee shop, or got an A on an assignment. 

That was the thing about long term relationships, Clarke decided. You got so used to having someone there for the little things, being able to text them about something as trivial as a new coffee shop you liked was just habit and not being able to do that anymore was hard to get used to.

She was getting there though.

_(at least, thats what she told herself.)_

“Hey Clarke, have a good break.” Alyssa offered her a bright smile, lugging her cases out of their dorm building.

“You too.” Clarke returned the smile. “I’ll see you in January.”

“Bright and early.” Alyssa laughed, giving her a quick hug. “Try not to get into any fights with ex-boyfriends when you’re home.” She teased.

“Oh, haha.” Clarke rolled her eyes. “I’ll do my best.”

“I better go, I’ll miss my flight.” Alyssa said. “My mother will have a conniption if I don’t arrive in Minnesota exactly four hours from now.” 

“I’m _so_ glad I drive.”

“Lucky you Clarke. See you in a few weeks!”

Clarke simply smiled, watching as Alyssa practically fell into her waiting cab. They had become really good friends in the months since they started back at university - they’d decided to room together again, sophomore year. It made sense, they’d survived freshman year (basically) intact. 

She had to admit, the first semester of her sophomore year had been a massive improvement on the first semester of her freshman one - she was moving on, dating (nothing serious) and allowing herself to enjoy life as a single woman again.

For the first time in nearly a year, Clarke was actually excited to get back to Bowman.

She’d been on the road for a few hours when her phone rang, Octavia’s contact picture flashing on the screen. Clarke grinned, putting her on loudspeaker as she answered. 

“Hey O! How are you guys?”

“ _We’re like an hour from home!”_ Octavia’s excited voice filled her car. “ _How far out are you?”_

“I’m about three or four hours out, depending on traffic.” Clarke replied, looking at the screen of her GPS. “Its safe to assume you’re all going to be in Jasper’s when I get back?”

“ _Of course! And Clarke, your family really doesn’t mind me staying with you for Christmas?_  

“Octavia, of course not. I wouldn’t be a good friend if I let you spend Christmas at home alone - I can’t _wait_ for you to stay with us! We’re going to have the best Christmas break ever!” Clarke said, smiling at the thought of spending the entire break with Octavia. Bellamy was stationed out of state with the army, and he wouldn’t be home for another few weeks, at least. 

The Blake’s house was an empty, and lonely place with no one except Octavia in it - she wasn’t going to put her best friend through that.

“ _Its going to be like a two week sleepover Clarkey, I can’t wait!_

“I can’t wait to see all of you - we have so much to catch up on!”

“ _Are you up for ordering Chinese later?”_

“Definitely.” Clarke turned on her indicator, turning onto the highway. “I’ll call you as soon as I’m home, okay?”

_“See you soon Clarke!”_

Clarke smiled to herself as she hung up, catching sight of a new text message on her phone. 

_From: Wells_

_I’m just leaving now Clarke, see you in a few hours :)_

“Siri, message Wells.”

“ _OK. What do you want to say to Wells Jaha?”_

“Can’t wait to see you. Text me when you’re in Bowman.” Clarke settled into her seat, a stupid grin on her face as she drove. In all honestly, it had been a long time since she had been so excited to go home - a break with her friends sounded like heaven to her tired eyes and coursework-laden mind. 

She was already longing to see the ‘ _Welcome to Bowman, Virginia’_ sign.

* * *

Clarke pulled into her driveway, surprised to see Octavia and Jasper sitting on her front porch, the two of them engrossed in a quiet conversation. Making a mental note to ask Octavia about what was going on between them (again), Clarke shut off her engine, practically leaping from the car in her excitement to see her friends. 

 “O! Jasper!” Clarke called, grinning. “Are you guys really _that_ excited to see me? I mean, I’m not even in the front door of my house yet, I -“

“Clarke.” Octavia interrupted softly.

“Is there something wrong?”

“There was an accident, at the base.” Octavia said, her voice soft, and gentle. “An explosion. Your mom is over there now -“

“Was my dad in it?” Clarke demanded, her heart feeling as though it was about to beat out of her chest. The world seemed to slow down as Octavia spilled the beans on the accident, Clarke’s thoughts on her _dad_ , her wonderful, amazing hilarious dad who was lying in a hospital, with God knows what wrong with with him.

Was he even going to be _okay_?

Jasper nodded. “He’s alive - but he’s hurt, Clarke.”

“Your mom didn’t want you driving over on your own.” Octavia explained, reaching out to hug Clarke tightly. “It’s OK Clarke, it’s going to be OK.”

“Can we g-go now?” Clarke clutched onto Octavia, her fingers knotted in the thick material of the other girls sweater, trying to allow Octavia’s soothing words and gentle hands bring her the comfort she needed right now.

Jasper nodded. “I’ll drive Clarke.” He said, prising Clarke’s car keys from her shaking hands. 

“Come on.” Octavia looped an arm around Clarke’s waist, guiding her to the car. 

“How bad is it?” Clarke found herself asking as Octavia bundled both of them into the backseat, Jasper sliding behind the wheel. 

“No one really knows anything right now.” Octavia said. “It happened about an hour ago, so it’s all a bit up in the air right now.”

“So you don’t know how bad my dad is?”

“I’m sorry Clarke.” Octavia shook her head. “All we know is that he’s in surgery.”

“W-What hospital are they in?”

“They all got taken to Virginia Commonwealth.” Jasper interjected

“Its normally Langley, isn’t it?” Clarke mumbled, confused.

“Thats like an hour and a half out, Clarkey.” Octavia said softly. “They wanted to treat everyone who got hurt as soon as possible.” 

Clarke nodded, fiddling with a loose string on her jumper, trying to keep her mind occupied as Jasper came as close to breaking the speed limit to get them to the hospital as he fast as he possibly could. They lived less than an hour out of Richmond, but the journey seemed to go on for what felt like years, cars passing in a blur on the highway as they drove.

“I’ll park your car, you and O head inside.” Jasper said, pulling into the drop off zone of the hospital.

Clarke allowed herself to be blindly led by Octavia, the other girl gently leading her into the elevator, taking her to where Clarke could only assume her mother was. As someone who aspired to be a doctor one day, she had always felt comfortable in hospitals - the clean smell, the white walls were a normality to her and she had never been the kind of person to run and hide at the prospect of being in one.

Today however, the white walls felt as though they were closing in around her, the bleached clean smell making her stomach churn, the images of doctors and nurses running around in their scrubs making her eyes feel as though they were burning.

“Clarke, Clarke, honey.” Abby practically leaped out of her seat as Clarke entered the waiting room. She was wearing her work uniform, having obviously been at the hospital when everything had happened. “Come here. Come here Clarke.”

Clarke allowed her mother to pull her into a tight hug, clutching onto the starchy material of her scrubs as she let herself cry for the first time she had heard about the accident. “H-how is he?” She managed to choke out, still clung to Abby.

“I don’t know Clarke.” Abby admitted. “He’s been in surgery for a few hours - it, it was a big explosion.”

“Is it going to be okay?”

“All we can do is hope and pray he makes it out of surgery.” Abby said, tucking a stray piece of Clarke’s hair behind her ear, wiping away her daughter’s still falling tears. “He does that, and I think he’ll be okay. And you’re here now sweetheart - it’ll do him the world of good, knowing his baby girl is waiting for him to wake up.”

Clarke let out a shuddering sigh. “I’m scared mom.”

“You’re allowed to be.” Abby pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Have you eaten since you left Boston?”

“I’m not hungry-“

“Clarke, you have to eat.” Abby interrupted firmly. 

“Jasper and I will go to the cafeteria, and get her something.” Octavia said. “Have you eaten anything, Mrs Griffin?”

“I had lunch Octavia, thank you.” Abby said. “Just get Clarke something.”

Octavia nodded, giving her best friend’s hand a reassuring squeeze as she grabbed her purse, Jasper solemnly following her. 

“He has to be OK mom.” Clarke found herself said, her heart aching at the thought of her dad not getting out of surgery. She didn’t even want to think about it. 

“He will be.” Abby pulled her close again. “He’ll be OK. He will.”

Clarke really wanted her mom to be right, because a world without Jake Griffin wasn’t a world she wanted to find herself living in. _Ever_.  

* * *

 

Clarke had never been so grateful for her friends in all her life. Octavia and Jasper had only left the waiting room to get her food, and Octavia had driven back to the Griffin’s house to get some spare clothes for Clarke and her mom, other than that they had sat on either side of Clarke, holding her hand and offering an occasional word of comfort.

Wells hadn’t even bothered to go home, rerouting his drive home to get to the hospital instead, pulling her into a silent hug. He didn’t need to say anything - Clarke _knew_ when it came to Wells, she always knew.

Raven and Monty were the next to arrive, arriving in a flurry of hugs and bringing sixty dollars worth of takeaway with them as they did so. 

They’d gotten word around midnight that Jake was out of surgery, but he was in a critical condition in ICU. Something about punctured organs, third degree burns and a multitude of other injuries Clarke couldn’t listen to without wanting to vomit.

They’d taken it in shifts to stay with them that night, Raven, Jasper and Monty heading home to sleep, Octavia and Wells staying with her and Abby the whole night. Despite protests from both her, and Abby, Octavia and Wells hadn’t bothered to go home the next morning, claiming they’d slept perfectly well, Jasper arriving with fresh clothes and a warm breakfast for everyone.

They kept a constant vigil beside Clarke, trying to distract her with card games and stories from college, the chatter between them low, but enough to keep her mind on the people she was sitting in a room with, rather than her father (for a few minutes at a time, at least.)

“Why don’t we have any news yet?” Clarke spoke up. It was lunchtime, and she was trying desperately to keep her eyes off the news, which was playing what felt like a constant reel of images from the explosion at the base. 

_11 dead._

_31 seriously injured_

_Horrific accident._

**_Disaster._**

“They’ll give us news as soon as they have any, sweetheart.” Abby said, the bags under her eyes telling a different story to the one she had spun that morning, claiming she’d had a decent nights sleep and was perfectly fine to stay at the hospital.

“I just want _know_ mom.” 

“I know Clarke. I know - I want to know too, but they’re doing everything they can.”

Clarke was going to reply, but she knew she was just going to get the same answer. 

“Clarke?”

Clarke looked up as she hear a familiar voice. Bellamy was standing in the doorway of the waiting room, dressed in a worn old red hoodie and jeans, his red-rimmed eyes the only indication he knew what was going on. “Bell?” She couldn’t help but feel stunned, rising out of her uncomfortable plastic chair.

“I came as soon as Octavia told me.” 

Clarke threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly. “Thank you.” She said quietly, her lips close to his ear, her eyes welling with tears as she held onto him, the worn cotton of his hoodie a comfort to her fingertips.

“You did it for me.” 

Clarke didn’t know what to say, or do, so she hugged him tighter. 

“Its going to be OK."

“Everyone keeps telling me that.” Clarke whispered. 

“Start believing them.”

“I c-can’t.”

Bellamy held her even tighter, whatever space that might have been left between them disappearing. Neither of them seemed to know what to do or say, but Clarke felt more comfort from Bellamy’s embrace then she had in the hours since she’d heard about the explosion.

“Abby?”

Abby’s head snapped up as one of her colleagues, Daryl (it was Daryl, wasn’t it?) walked into the room. “How is he?”

“He’s doing OK, but he isn’t out of the woods yet. You can see him now, if you want?”

Clarke nodded furiously. 

“Just you and Clarke Abby, he’s still in ICU.”

“But - Bell-“

“Go, see your dad Clarke.” Bellamy nudged. “We’ll all still be here when you get back.”

Clarke nodded, detangling herself from Bellamy, walking woodenly towards the door. It was as if she’d forgotten how to walk, Abby guiding her daughter down the hallway to the ICU unit where Jake was. 

“He’s hooked up to a lot of machines Clarke, you-“ Daryl began, his forehead creased with worry as he looked at them both.

“I’m not a child.” Clarke snapped. “Let me see my dad.”

Daryl nodded, stepping aside to allow Clarke into the room, Abby following closely behind her. Clarke’s heart practically stopped as she took in her dad. He wasn’t the tall, bright and chatty man she had been raised by - he was pale, hooked up to dozens of bleeping machines, the entire right side of his body wrapped in bandages, newly forming scar tissue running down his neck and face. 

“Oh, _god_.” She choked out, moving closer to the bed. She could hear her mom and Daryl talking quietly, words like ‘irreparable skin damage’ and ‘third degree’ burns being thrown around too often for her liking. “Dad?”

His chest rose and fell erratically, making tears well up in Clarke’s eyes all over again. 

“Daddy.” Clarke tried to find somewhere to touch him, somewhere not covered with bandages and wires. “ _Daddy_ , please wake up. I need you to wake up.” She said softly, taking one of his hands in her own. He didn’t feel _warm_ enough.  

“Don’t leave me daddy.” She whispered. “ _Please_.”

* * *

Clarke lost track of time, the longer they waited in the hospital. The endless hours were only broken by someone arriving back with food for all of them, or a new news bulletin

_13 dead._

_29 seriously injured._

“Abby?” Daryl appeared in the doorway again, looking slightly more relieved than he had a few hours previously. “He’s awake.”

Clarke looked at Octavia, her expression shocked. “Awake?”

Daryl nodded. “For now. He’s on a lot of medication - but he’s asking for you Clarke.” 

Clarke let out a breath she didn’t realise she had been holding. “Oh my god. Can I see him?”

“Sure.” Daryl said. “You too Abby.”

Abby nodded, looking across the room to Bellamy. “Bellamy? Do you want to come too? We don’t know how long he’ll be awake, and I know he’d like to see you too.”

“Are you sure?”

Clarke answered for the both of them, grabbing the sleeve of his hoodie and pulling him towards the door, and out into the hallway. It was a familiar walk to the ICU now, she’d enough times in the hours since she’d first been allowed in to see her dad - even if it was just for a second, just to see how he was.  


See him _breathing_.

“Have a woken up in an alternative universe?” Jake croaked as they walked into the room. His voice seemed lower, gravelly and thick. 

“What?” Clarke couldn’t help but feel confused.

“My two favourite children holding hands again. I woke up in a world where you guys never broke up, right?”

Clarke smiled. “I’m going to put that one down to the drugs, dad.”

“A father can dream.”

“Dream his two favourite children will date?”

“Thankfully you guys aren’t really related.” Jake said, smiling into Clarke’s shoulder as she hugged him tightly. “Clarke, honey, you kind of smell.”

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh, the sound filling the tense room. “I haven’t been home in like three days dad.”

Jake’s face softened. “You’ve been here that long?”

Clarke nodded. “So has mom, and Thelonius, and Wells - and everyone else.”

“You’ve got yourself some good friends.” Jake said. “I like them.”

“Me too dad.”

“Bellamy, will you stop standing in the corner being awkward and come say hello?” Jake said, the sentence taking a lot out of him, his chest heaving with the effort.

“Sorry.” Bellamy’s cheeks flushed. 

“I feel honoured, you all came home for me.” Jake said, some semblance of his usual cheeky grin appearing on his face. “How’s life Bell? Keeping the country safe single handedly?”

“Its pretty quiet it in North Carolina, to be honest.” Bellamy admitted with a laugh. 

“Nothing as exciting as an explosion?”

“DAD! Thats not exciting.”

“Just making light of a bad situation Clarke, honey.” Jake said, squeezing her hand. “Abs, you’re awfully silent.”

“I’m just glad you’re awake.” Abby said, leaning in to kiss Jake. 

“We all are.” Clarke said. “You really had us worried for a while there, dad.”

“It’ll be OK Clarke.” Jake offered her an encouraging smile.

For the first time since she’d heard about the accident, Clarke almost believed it.

* * *

 

The next week was a blur of doctors and conversations and long days spent in Jake’s hospital room - he’d been moved to a private ward after four days in the ICU, still under strict observation, but by all rights, out of the woods.

Bellamy was there almost as much as she was, the two of them keeping a constant vigil at his bedside, along with Abby.

“Will you two do me a favour?” 

Clarke looked up from her sketchpad, one eyebrow raised. “What?”

“Don’t give up on each other.”

“Dad, you’re really high on pain meds right now -“

“I can still give fatherly advice!” Jake protested. “I just.. I want you guys to be happy.”

Clarke looked across the bed to where Bellamy said, absently flicking through the TV channels. “We’re happy. Right?”

Bellamy nodded. “Yeah.”

“Still.” Jake held in a yawn. “I always liked you guys together.”

“That was a long time ago dad…”

Jake closed his eyes. “Doesn’t feel like that long ago.”

“You’re really high on pain meds Jake.” Bellamy laughed, trying to break the sudden tension.

“Just, promise me. You wont give up on each other - ever.”

“We promise dad, okay. Why are you being so weird? You’re not _dying_ , you can give us all this advice for the rest of your life.” Clarke said, snapping her notebook shut. 

Jake didn’t reply for a second, his chest rising and falling slowly. “Just making sure.”

“I think its time to let your dad get some rest Clarke.” Abby said, reentering the room.

Clarke nodded. “Are you coming home?”

“I’m going to stay a little longer, if thats OK. Can you bring Clarke home Bellamy?”

Bellamy nodded. “Sure."

Clarke pressed a kiss to her fathers head. “Love you dad.”

“Love you Clarke.”

Grabbing her handbag, she crossed the room, giving her mom a quick hug. “Do you want me to cook dinner?"

“How about you and Octavia just order something in? I might be late.” Abby said. 

Clarke nodded. “OK. See you later.” Looking over her shoulder to make sure Bellamy was following, she headed out the door and into the hallway.

They walked along in silence until they reached the car park, Clarke pausing before she pulled on the handle of Bellamy’s jeep.

“That was really weird, what my dad said.”

“Mm.” Bellamy made a noise of agreement. “He’s pretty off his face on drugs though.”

“I guess.”

“Don’t dwell on it Clarke.” Bellamy said, sliding in behind the wheel. 

“I wont, but - we are OK right now, aren’t we?”

Bellamy nodded. “Yeah.”

Clarke settled into her seat as Bellamy started to drive. “OK.”

With that, they settled into a companionable silence, one neither of them broke until they pulled up outside Clarke’s house. 

“Do you want a ride to the hospital tomorrow?” Bellamy asked as Clarke was about to open the door.

Clarke nodded. “Are you going to be here for much longer?”

“Another couple of days.” Bellamy said. “I got some compassionate leave."

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Being here.” Clarke leaned across the cab of the truck, kissing his cheek softly. “It means a lot to me."

“Anytime, princess.”

* * *

 

Clarke should have known something was wrong when she woke up the next morning, and her mom still wasn’t home. She had just figured Abby had stayed the night at the hospital, it wasn’t exactly unusual behaviour.

Octavia was fighting a horrible cold, so she had tucked her best friend into bed and loaded her up with cough syrup and Tylenol before promising to be home before dinner time (despite all Octavia’s protests of ‘ _I’m fine, honestly Clarkey!”_ )

The ride to the hospital had been quiet, as all her and Bellamy’s car rides of late were. They only really spoke to change the song they were listening to, or for Clarke to offer him a direction.

It was fine though.

They didn’t really need to talk.

When they stepped out of the elevator, Clarke saw Thelonius and Wells standing outside her dad’s room, Wells biting his nails ( _a habit she_ ** _thought_** _he’d long since grown out of.)_

“Clarke, Clarke you shouldn't go in there right now-“

Clarke ignored Thelonius’ warning, pushing her way into her dads hospital room, her heart almost stopping as she did. There was a team of doctors crowded around her dad’s bed, Abby tiredly leaning against the frame.

“Whats happening?”

Abby looked at her daughter, her expression heartbroken. “Your dad… He got worse during the night Clarke.”

“How much worse?” Clarke demanded.

“He can’t breathe on his own anymore, and - he’s slipped into a coma Clarke.” Abby said, crossing the room to where Clarke stood, frozen. 

Clarke stepped out of her mother’s grasp before she could hug her, moving towards her dad. “He’s going to pull through though.” She said confidently. “He’s going to be fine. We were all talking to him yesterday, he’s fine. This is just a little hiccup.”

“Clarke…” Abby said softly.

“ _What_ mom? You’re not giving up on him, are you?”

“He had a stroke during the night Clarke, his brain was starved of oxygen for too long-“

“What are you trying to say?”

“He’s brain dead, Clarke.” Abby choked out, her eyes shining with tears.

“No.” Clarke shook her head. “No, no he’s fine - he’s fine. Dad, come on - wake up dad. Please. You’re OK, I know you are - just, wake _up_.”

Abby gestured for the doctors to leave the room, everyone bar Daryl leaving. “Clarke, sweetheart-“

“He is **fine**.” Clarke interrupted angrily, her hand on Jake’s chest. “He’s breathing, his heart is beating - you’re wrong, okay. He’s not brain dead.”

“The trauma of the explosion was too much for his body Clarke.” Abby said. “He couldn’t - he can’t recover. He’s gone.”

“No. I don’t - he’s not.” Clarke said desperately, clutching at her dad’s hand. “He can’t be.”

Abby reached out, wrapping a protective arm around her shoulders. “I’m sorry sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”

“But I was talking to him yesterday, he was fine.” Clarke didn’t know what to feel. Shock? Upset?

“It happened so quickly.. He wasn’t in any pain.” Abby said. “It’s like going to sleep, and just not waking up. He wasn’t in pain, I promise. He was happy, seeing you, talking to you.”

Clarke held onto her dad’s hand tightly. “He’s going to wake up.” She said confidently, ignoring her mother’s words.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, but he’s not.” Abby said. “You can say goodbye.”

“Why? Its not like he’s going anywhere." 

“Clarke…” Abby choked back a sob, trying to find the words. “We’re going to turn off the life support.”

Clarke whirled away from her mother’s grip, looking at her, shocked. “You can’t."

“Its what he wanted.”

“You don’t know **what** he wants!”

“I do Clarke. Your dad signed a DNR a few days ago.” Abby tried desperately to explain. “He’s going to save lives Clarke, he’s an organ donor, he -“

“You are not killing my dad!” Clarke screamed. “I’m not letting you.”

“Clarke….” Bellamy put a hand on her shoulder, trying to calm her down. 

“You can’t kill him!” Clarke yelled, tears spilling out of her eyes. “You can’t do this. He’s not dead!”

“He is baby.” Abby sighed, tears running down her cheeks. “He wouldn’t want to be kept like this, not when he’s not really there anymore.”

“If you turn off his life support, I will never forgive you.” Clarke spat. “Never.”

“I have to do what he wanted me to Clarke.” Abby said quietly. “I have to respect your dad’s wishes.”

“Please. Don’t do it.”

“Its what he wanted Clarke.”

“No, you c-can’t.” Clarke sobbed.

“Its what he wanted.” Abby said through her tears, reaching for the life support machine.

“NO!”

Clarke’s scream drowned out the noise of Jake’s heart monitor going flat, Daryl reaching to turn the screen off, leaving the room in an eery silence.

“I h-hate you.” Clarke sobbed. “I **hate** you.”

“Clarke, Clarke - _princess.”_ Bellamy held onto her tightly. “Don’t. Don’t do this.”

Clarke ignored him. “Its your fault he’s dead.” She said harshly, furiously blinking away tears.

Abby didn’t respond, her attention on Jake. 

“He can’t be d-dead.” Clarke said, her voice quieter, more broken. She looked at Bellamy, barely able to make him out through her tears. He simply held her tighter as she broke, her tears turning to heart wrenching wails. It was as if she couldn’t support her own weight anymore, and Bellamy let himself be dragged to the floor, Clarke leaning against him, crying her heart out.

_28 seriously injured._

**14** **dead**.

* * *

 Clarke didn’t remember the funeral. It passed in a blur, Octavia sitting altogether unwillingly between Clarke and her mother, Bellamy and Wells on her other side. Wells spoke at the ceremony, and while she didn’t listen to a word of it, Clarke was sure it was eloquent, and tasteful, and everything a speech at a funeral should be.

She only managed a few minutes at the somber post-funeral get together, her house filled with countless people in military uniform, people dressed in black and offering her their sympathies. Clarke couldn’t _take_ it.

She escaped to her room as soon as she could, not expecting anyone to follow her.

“Mind if I come in?”

Clarke looked at Bellamy, who was neatly dressed in his dress uniform.

( _she hated everything about it)_

“Sure.”

Bellamy sat down next to her on the edge of her bed, twisting his hat between his hands. 

“I still can’t believe he’s dead.” Clarke admitted after a pause.

“Me neither.” 

“He was awake and talking a few days ago Bell. How can he be dead?”

“I don’t… I don’t know.” Bellamy said. “Its not fair.”

“No. Its not.” Clarke looked at him carefully, her eyes tracing every single line, and freckle on his face. Shifting her weight slightly, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his in a desperate kiss.

“Clarke, come on -“ Bellamy broke it off, keeping Clarke at an arms length. “You just buried your dad. You’re not thinking.”

“I am thinking. I’m thinking that I need to feel something, _anything._ ” Clarke said. “I need this. I need you Bellamy.”

“No, you don’t-“

“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t need Bellamy.” Clarke said, her voice raising slightly.

“You’re grieving Clarke.”

“I’m _crumbling_ Bell, and I need to feel something other than sad, even if its just for an hour. _Please_.”

“I don’t want you doing anything you regret princess.” Bellamy shook his head. ‘You’re not thinking straight and you’re going to wake up in the morning and wish you’d never done it. It would be taking advantage of you.”

“You could never take advantage of me.”

“Sleeping with you when you’re vulnerable is taking advantage of you, Clarke.” Bellamy ran a soothing hand down her arm. “You know that as well as I do. You’re just not thinking straight.”

Clarke tried to stop the tears she knew where coming. “I just miss him so much Bellamy.”

“I know princess, I know.” Bellamy gathered her into his arms, hugging her tightly. “I know.”

Clarke melted into his embrace, sobbing into his jacket. “Please don’t go.”

“I’m not going anywhere Clarke, not today. I’m here."

“I love you.” 

Bellamy was silent for a second. “I love you too Clarke. Its going to be OK, eventually - and until then, I’m here. I’m here.”

* * *

Bellamy was gone when Clarke woke up the next morning, having cried herself to sleep in his arms, and not for the first time, she was incredibly grateful for his apparent instinct to know when he was needed, and when he was not.

The rest of the break passed achingly slowly, with Octavia acting as liaison between Clarke, and Abby, who she was still ignoring without any remorse, apparently. She spent most of her time at her dad’s grave, trying to find a way to come to terms with his absence in her life.

Octavia went back to college the day before she did, making Clarke promise to ring her daily or so help her, she was going to walk from Washington to Boston and make sure she was doing OK. 

That left Clarke with an empty house and a mother she couldn’t bring herself to look at.]

It was enough to push her over the edge.

_(Or, at the very least, back to Boston.)_

“Are you leaving?” Abby asked quietly, watching as Clarke dragged her suitcase to the door. 

Clarke didn’t respond.

“Clarke, I know you’re grieving right now, but you have to know I did what was right. Your father would never forgive me if I had let his body lie in a hospital bed for years on end.” 

Clarke whirled around to face her mother. “I told you I would never forgive you if you turned off dad’s life support, and you still did it. Don’t expect me to talk to you, or ever forgive you. You killed my dad."

Abby let out a shaky sigh. “Drive safe.”

Clarke grabbed the handle of her suitcase, yanking the front door open, not bothering to respond. She marched down her driveway, only slowing down when she noticed Bellamy’s jeep parked behind her car, Bellamy himself leaning against it.

“Bell?”

“Hey, Clarke.” Bellamy greeted. “O said you were heading back to Boston today, I wanted to make sure you were OK.”

“I’m as OK as I can be, I guess.” Clarke said. “I thought you were being deployed tomorrow?”

“I am.” Bellamy said, opening Clarke’s trunk and lifting her heavy suitcase in. “I’m driving back to the base now.”

“Thanks.” Clarke said. “And uh - be safe Bellamy.”

Bellamy nodded. “You too. And Clarke?”

“Yeah?”

“I know what you’re going through, so if you ever need to talk - I’m always here, OK?” 

Clarke nodded, stepping forward to hug him quickly. “I wouldn’t have gotten through the past week without you.”

“What are friends for?” Bellamy said, offering her a smile.

_Friends._

“Yeah.” Clarke said, returning the smile, though it never quite reached her eyes. “Thanks Bellamy.”

“Drive safe.” Bellamy said, reaching for the handle of his door. 

Clarke nodded, turning back to Bellamy before she got into her car. “Come home safe - _soldier._ ”

“Always do, princess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone's interested in the geography of this fic, bowman is a completely made up town that's about thirty minutes outside fort lee (in VA), and about an hour outside Richmond, VA. lots of thank yous to katelyn for saving my ass and explaining that northern virginia was a big military area!
> 
> also, i hope you liked this chapter!


	7. birthdays and bad decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bellamy and clarke fell in love in high school, and the ghost of their two year relationship seems to follow them as they get older. there's no escaping small town life, and apparently, theres no escaping your small town, high school sweetheart either.

**birthdays and bad decisions**

Numb.

That was the most accurate word for how Clarke felt in the months after her father’s death. The first few weeks were the hardest, and there had been days where she hadn’t been sure how to breathe, or eat, or _exist._

She was slowly putting herself back together, picking up the pieces and forcing herself to keep living because she knew her dad would give her such a talking to if he knew she was throwing her life away to sit in bed and cry.

_(Clarke liked to think he knew anyway. Its not like she_ **_completely_ ** _believed he was out there, watching over her, but it brought her comfort on her worst days to think that maybe he was.)_

The entire semester had been a struggle for her, but she’d gotten there. If it hadn’t been for Wells, and Octavia, she might not have gotten there at all. Wells was a godsend, and his nightly phone calls and weekly trips to Boston were the only thing holding her together for a long time.

She wanted to feel bad that she was taking Wells away from his life every weekend, but she couldn’t bring herself to be. Without his visits, Clarke would have lost her mind.

Her and Bellamy hadn’t really spoken. She’d kept half an eye on his Facebook page, her heart swelling with relief when she saw him post a picture whatever German city he was passing through on his way home from a deployment.

He was _alive_ , and it was fairly indicative of the past few years of Clarke’s life for that to be enough for her.

It had been a **long** summer. 

Clarke still wasn’t speaking to her mother, and there was a constant stony silence in the Griffin household now. She spent half her time at her dad’s grave, a part of her hoping her tears would will him back to life.

The other half of her time was spent camped out in Octavia’s house, curled up on the couch watching bad movies and eating takeout. 

Her friends had been understanding. They hadn’t really pushed to make her go out with them, or do anything too crazy - they knew she needed time, so they all piled on to the couch with her and made obnoxious comments about romantic comedies and ate too much and complained about Jasper’s feet somehow being in everyone’s face.

That was until _today_.

“Clarke, please!” Octavia pleaded. “You need a break from being cooped up in here, and it wont be a late night, I promise.”

“I don’t feel like it O.”

“I know its hard Clarke, and I know how you feel right now - but you have no idea how good having a night off will do you. Being able to put having some fun ahead of grieving for a few hours doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you someone on the brink of twenty one who’s going to go out and actually enjoy their life.”

“I just… I always wanted my twenty first to be this big party, with my dad there.”

“I know. I know honey.” Octavia wrapped an arm around her. “This isn’t a party, I know you’re not there yet. Its simply us celebrating with a few quiet drinks and maybe a bit of dancing.”

“My dad would be pushing me out the door to go crazy, if he was here.” Clarke said, smiling sadly. “I think he’d be the party animal.”

“He would.” Octavia confirmed with a smile. “I miss him.”

“Me too."

“Remember that time at your tenth birthday party, when we played pin the tail on the donkey? I pinned the tail on your dad, and he just laughed so hard at me - I was freaking out, I had just stuck a drawing pin in your _dad_ , and he was just leaning against a wall, crying with laughter.” Octavia said, lost in her thoughts. “Jake always knew how to make everyone laugh - always knew how to make the best of a bad situation.”

Clarke nodded, leaning into Octavia’s embrace. “He loved you a lot, you know.”

“I loved him a lot.” Octavia said. “The only thing keeping me going is knowing that he’s with my mom, and she’ll fuss over him enough for all of us - wherever they are now.”

“I hope its somewhere nice.” Clarke admitted. “I don’t - I don’t know if I believe in heaven and hell or whatever, but I do hope its somewhere nice.”

“Somewhere with a pool.” Octavia grinned. “Can you imagine it? Your dad would just be dive bombing into the pool constantly, and my mom would probably be making dinner and yelling at him to stop acting like a five year old.”

“Not that he’d listen.”

“Not that he’d listen.” Octavia agreed, laughing. “And I bet they’re watching us, and missing us just as much as we miss them. Mom _definitely_ ends up making loads of comfort food for the both of them."

“Its just.. Its hard to accept that this is it, you know? They’re going to miss out on everything from here on out.” Clarke said after a pause. “Maybe they know whats going on - but that doesn’t change the fact they wont be at graduations, and weddings, and god knows what else. They’re missing out, too.”

“I know.” Octavia sighed. “Its not fair.”

“No.” Clarke closed her eyes against the all too familiar feeling of tears about to fall. “Its not fair.”

“Am I interrupting?”

Both Clarke and Octavia looked up to see Raven standing in the doorway. “Hey, Rae.”

Raven took that as her go-ahead, and stepped inside the room, only pausing to kick off her shoes before she joined Clarke and Octavia’s cuddle.

“I just came straight up, the door was unlocked.” Raven leaned against Clarke’s shoulder, intertwining their fingers tightly. “I’ve never lost a parent, so I’m not going to try and pretend like I know what you’re going through - both of you - but, I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

“Thats all we ever need.” Octavia said, offering her a bright smile. 

Clarke nodded in agreement. “Thanks Rae.”

Raven simply squeezed her hand in response, the the three girls sitting in a quiet silence for a few minutes.

“OK.”

“Hm?” Octavia looked at Clarke, confused, Raven looking equally as baffled by Clarke’s sudden statement.

“Lets go out.” Clarke said. “A few quiet drinks and I’m not staying out any later than midnight. OK?”

Octavia beamed. “Hell yeah that’s OK! Get into the shower Clarke and I’ll start planning outfits - Raven, plug in my hair curlers.”

“I already regret this O, I -“

“Shower. March.” Octavia scrambled off the bed, dragging Clarke with her. “No offence here Clarkey, but your hair badly needs a wash.”

“I’ve been dry shampooing it..’ Clarke mumbled.

“Not a replacement for showering sweetie.” Octavia said. “I need to call the boys - Clarke, I swear to God, get your ass in that shower.”

Clarke had to laugh as she grabbed a towel, heading for the bathroom. Octavia loved nothing more than a good night out, and the smile on her best friend’s face was enough to make her sit quietly through hair curling, and painstaking eyeliner application.

The only thing she vetoed was one of Octavia’s spangly dresses, opting for jeans and a shirt instead. They were going to some dive bar one town over, its not like it was some nightclub in Boston with bouncers and actual class. They’d been going to Joe’s Tavern since they were 19, for crying out loud.

It was too warm and too busy for Clarke’s liking when they finally arrived in Joe’s, crappy music blasting out over the tinny sound system, beers being thrown over the counter at a ridiculous speed.

“Clarkey! Happy birthday.” Jasper grinned wildly, hugging her tightly. “I’m so glad you came out tonight. We’re going to get _druuuuunk_.”

“I think you already are Jas.” Clarke laughed, returning the hug.

“ _Turn down for whaaaaaat_!” Monty threw an arm around Jasper, grinning drunkenly at Clarke.

“Did someone let him get high? _Already_? Finn, aren’t you supposed to be the responsible one here?” Octavia scolded, hands on hips. “I swear, you’re all _babies_.”

“Octavia, darling - you look _so_ beautiful. Lets get you a drink.” Jasper said, slinging an arm around her waist. “I love you.” He attempted to whisper, screaming over the music instead. 

“Oh my god.” Octavia rolled her eyes. “Fine. But you’re buying.”

“Do you want a drink Clarke?” Raven asked, giving her an encouraging smile.

“No, I’ll get it -“

“Its your birthday! You’re not allowed to buy drinks on your birthday, its a law.” Raven interrupted. “Beer OK?”

“Sounds great. Thanks Rae.” Clarke set her jacket down on one of the empty chairs by their table. They’d picked a good table, to be fair to them, just a little off the dance floor, far enough away from the speakers so that you could actually hear yourself think ( _if nothing else_ ).

“Hey, Clarke.” Finn edged closer to her, offering her a smile. “Happy birthday."

“Thanks Finn - thanks for coming.” Clarke said. “Are you enjoying your summer?”

“Yeah, no, its good.” Finn said, pausing to take a sip of his beer. “Not doing much, just working in the store. You?”

“Just watching movies, and eating popcorn.” Clarke admitted. “I can’t wait to go back to Boston.”

“You really love it there?”

“I love anywhere thats not Bowman right now.” 

Finn was quiet for a second. “I.. I’m sorry about that.”

“Not your fault.” Clarke shrugged his apology off. They lapsed into silence, watching the heaving dance floor until Raven came back, and broke the strangely awkward silence between them.

“You have to take the shot and then you can have your beer.” Raven grinned, setting the drinks down on their table. 

“Rae…”

“Its not a birthday if you don’t do birthday shots, girl.” Raven said. “Get that sambuka down you!”

“God, you’re such a bad influence.” Clarke relented, knocking the shot back. The alcohol burned her throat as she swallowed it, and Clarke barely held back a sputter as she reached for her beer, trying to wash the taste out of her mouth. “That stuff never tastes any better.”

“You don’t drink it for the taste.” Raven said, taking a swig of her drink. “How much more alcohol do you need to willingly dance with me?”

“Mm… At least two more beers. And a vodka.”

“Your wish is my command Clarkey."

“Don’t you dare get me crazy drunk tonight Raven Reyes!" 

“Me?” Raven gave her an innocent look. “I would _never_.”

* * *

Clarke was crazy drunk. 

She wasn’t drunk enough to deny she was drunk, so she figured she was OK, but she was still crazy drunk. 

Crazy drunk and _bored_. 

She knew her friends had the best of intentions, taking her out on her birthday, but Octavia and Jasper were way too drunk and getting a little too handsy in the middle of the dance floor, Raven was happily dancing by herself and drawing quite the crowd of admirers, and well - Finn was awkwardly standing next to her, saying something too quiet and incomprehensible every now and then.

“You look like you could use a little more to drink, princess.”

Clarke spun around, loosing her balance as she did so. 

“Or maybe you’ve had enough already.”

Clarke couldn’t do anything except stare at Bellamy in shock for a few seconds, not moving from her position in his arms. “Bell?”

“The one and only.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming, asshole?” Clarke punched his shoulder lightly before wrapping her arms around him, hugging him tightly.

“I didn’t know if I was going to be able to come.” Bellamy admitted. “Happy birthday Clarke.”

“I’m really glad you’re here.” Clarke said quietly, pulling away after a second. “You are _waaaay_ behind Bellamy Blake, we need to get you some _shots_.

“Lead me to the bar princess.”

Clarke downed the last of her beer, grabbing Bellamy’s wrist and dragging him through the crowd. “Ten shots of tequila please!”

“Christ Clarke, are you trying to give me blood poisoning?”

“They’re not all for _you_.” Clarke rolled her eyes. “Its my birthday. I can drink all the shots I like.”

Bellamy raised an eyebrow. “I seem to remember anything more than five shots ending with you vomiting all over my shoes.”  


Clarke groaned loudly. “ _Why_ would you bring that up?”

“Because its still hilarious.”

“I was eighteen Bell, in case you’d forgotten - I’m 21 now, _and_ I’m a wild college student, so you know - I can handle my shots.”

“You, wild?"

“You sound doubtful.”

“Because I am.” Bellamy teased. “You’re _Clarke_ , you are like the least wild person I have ever met.”

“You’re so mean.” 

“I mean it in the nicest way possible princess, you don’t need to be wild.” Bellamy said. “You’re great the way you are.”

Clarke grinned. “God, you’re a sap Blake.”

“Hey, I’m trying to be nice!” 

“Drink a shot because you’re a _total_ sap.”

“ _Fine._ ” Bellamy knocked back the shot, trying not to pull a face as he drank. 

“I can be wild you know.”

“Clarke, you never once missed a curfew when we dated.” 

“Yeah, but I always snuck you into my room after I got home.” Clarke pointed out. 

“I’ll give you that one.” Bellamy relented. “But, you sat me down and made me do my homework all the time. That’s definitely not wild.”

“Good grades are important!”

“Shot because you’re a nerd.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, but knocked back the shot anyway. “OK - I snuck alcohol into school dances. Thats wild.”

“Ah, the hip flask strapped to your thigh.” Bellamy couldn’t help but laugh at the memory. “Everyone sneaks alcohol into school dances though, thats a rite of passage.”

“Shot because you’re an asshole.”

“That doesn’t count!”

“Pssh. _Shot_.”

Bellamy threw back yet another shot. “You’re still not proving me wrong about this being wild thing.

Clarke raised an eyebrow. “If you drink all the rest of those shots, I will do something absolutely crazy.”

“Seven shots, really?”

“If you really want to see me go wild, you’ll do it.”

“This better be worth it princess.”

Clarke grinned. “Trust me, you’ll love this.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes, but knocked back shot, after shot until the tray was empty and his entire world was swimming. “Oh, _god_ , that was such a bad idea.”

“You OK?” Clarke couldn’t help but snigger.

Bellamy blinked a few times, trying to bring the world back into focus. “Mm. Make that worth it, princess, or I’ll be the one vomiting on your shoes this time.”

“Alright y’all, its closing time so if anyone has some moves they want to share, you better do it before we shut up shop and stack up those tables.”

Clarke grinned at Bellamy as the announcement played over the speakers.

“You’re not going to. No _way_ are you going to do it princess, I don’t believe you.”

“But I _totally_ am going to go it Bell.” Clarke said, jumping off her bar stool and searching the crowd for Raven. She was in the middle of the dance floor, knocking back a drink. “RAE!” Clarke screamed, shoving her way over towards her, looping an arm around her waist to steady herself as the crowd around them moved.

Raven grinned at her, offering her a swig of the beer wordlessly.

Clarke shook her head, leaning in close so Raven could hear her. “You inadvertently got me drunk enough to dance on the tables with you.”

Raven’s expression lit up, and she gave Monty what remained of her drink, grabbing Clarke by the wrist, pulling her towards the already heaving tables. That was everyones favourite thing about Joe’s - at closing time, it was almost a tradition to let people dance on the tables before the staff started the clean up.

The two security guards that actually worked there hated it, sure, but at this point, even if they didn’t let people do it, people would do it anyway.

It was _fun_.

Clarke allowed Raven to drag her over, the two of them scrambling onto one of the free tables. 

“Clarke, I’m loving this side of you.” Raven yelled into her ear, her hips already moving in time to the music. 

“I had to prove someone wrong.” Clarke admitted with a grin, jerking her head towards the bar. 

Raven followed her gaze, her eyes widening as she noticed Bellamy sitting there, watching. “Bellamy?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, Bellamy.” 

“Give him a show then, Clarkey.” Raven grinned, pushing Clarke’s arms up above her head, making her move to the music a little more. Clarke couldn’t help but get into it all as she attempting to mimic Raven’s much more fluid moves, her hips moving awkwardly and her hair clinging to the back of her head with sweat. 

Clarke was a self proclaimed terrible dancer, but whether it was the sheer amount of alcohol in her system, or the fact she was letting go of all her worries and troubles for the first time in God knows how long, she didn’t feel like she was doing too badly there and then.

_(In all likelihood, it was probably Raven’s bright smile and occasional encouraging nudge that kept her dancing.)_

“Alright you guys, that was awesome. Thanks for keeping this place rocking all night, and we’ll see you again soon!”

The music faded out, and the lights came up, almost blinding Clarke. Her eyes had long since adjusted to the dim light of the bar - she would never understand why they always felt the need to turn all the lights back on at the end of a night and blind and confuse a lot of drunk people.

“That was awesome Clarke.” Raven laughed, hugging her tightly. 

“Yeah, that did feel really good.” Clarke admitted, her smile wide. 

“Clarke! We’re going to go back to Monty’s and continue this party there, you up for it?” Octavia asked, practically bounding up to them, Jasper attached to her hand, sloshing what remained of his drink everywhere as he stumbled behind her.

A sudden wave of tiredness washed over Clarke, and she was glad of Raven’s supportive arm around her waist. “No - I think I’m just going to head home O, its been a crazy night.”

Octavia looked crestfallen, but nodded. “Sure. I’ll take you home, OK?”

“Yeah, I’ll call a taxi for us.” Raven said, searching for her phone.

“No, you guys go and have a good time at Monty’s, I’ll be fine!” 

“You’re not going home alone.” Raven shook her head. “Don’t be stupid Clarke.”

“I can take her home.” Bellamy joined the conversation, looking around their small group, grinning slightly at the chorus of _“Bellamy! I didn’t know you were coming!”_ he was bombarded with.

“See?” Clarke gave Octavia and Raven a reassuring smile. “Bell can take me home, and you guys can go and enjoy your night.”

Octavia looked between Clarke, and her brother. “Are you sure?”

“Yes O, I’m sure!” Clarke laughed. “Its _Bellamy_ , not some random stranger I just met.”

“I’ll make sure she gets home OK, I promise.” Bellamy interjected. 

“Fine.” Octavia relented. “But text me when you’re home so I know you’re OK, got it?”

“Yes _mother_.” Clarke joked, pulling Octavia over to her and Raven, hugging them both. “Thank you for tonight.”

“No need to thank us Clarkey, it was as fun for us as it was for you.” Raven smiled. “Happy birthday again.”

“Oh my god! Its officially your birthday now - guys, guys, we have to sing Clarke happy birthday! She’s officially twenty one!” Octavia said excitedly.

“O, is drawing attention to the fact I was underage and buying alcohol such a good idea-“

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CLARKEY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUUUUU!” Octavia sang, ignoring Clarke’s protests, everyone else joining in, jostling each other around rowdily as they sang.

“Thanks guys.” Clarke said, smiling tiredly. “I’ll see you all tomorrow, OK? You owe me a cake.”

“See you tomorrow Clarke!”

“Love you Clarkey!”

Clarke stomped towards the exit of the bar, Bellamy following closely behind her. She could hear him on the phone, ordering a taxi. It all felt too familiar, if you asked her, flashes of dozens of nights out coming back to her, all of them ending with her and Bellamy and a taxi home.

Shaking the memories away, Clarke leaned against the cool stone of the wall, looking at Bellamy expectantly. “How long are we going to be waiting?”

“Five minutes or so.” Bellamy said, shoving his phone back into his pocket. “Not too bad.”

“God, I’m exhausted.” Clarke admitted. “I haven’t gone out in a while.”

“Octavia said.”

“Ugh, don’t tell me Octavia has been calling you up and telling you that I’ve turned into a hermit this summer.”

“She didn’t exactly say that….”

“But she still said something?”

“She worries about you, don’t get annoyed over it.”

Clarke sighed. “I’m not annoyed, I swear. I just get a little defensive sometimes.”

“Thats new.”

“What?”

“You weren’t a defensive person before.”

“Yeah, well, a lot’s changed recently.” Clarke said. “You’d be a defensive person if you had to deal with my mother.”

“You guys still aren’t talking?”

“Bellamy, I am not having this conversation right now.”

“So you _still_ aren’t talking to her.” Bellamy said knowingly. “Clarke, its been what - nine months?”

“I told you Bell, I am not having this conversation right now - or, ever for that matter.” Clarke said. “Don’t ruin my birthday.”

Bellamy was quiet for a second. “When are you heading back to Boston?”

Clarke could have hugged him, she was so grateful he dropped the topic of her mother. “Two weeks. How long are you in town for?”

“About a month.” Bellamy said. “I’m deploying again in October, I’ve been in South Carolina the past few months.”

“Stationed there?”

“Living on the beach and not giving a shit.” Bellamy admitted with a grin. “I had four months leave and Bowman wasn’t such an attractive option.”

“And you’re going to come back here for a month, when everyone else is gone?” Clarke raised an eyebrow.

Bellamy shrugged. “Two weeks, at least. I’ll figure out the rest when O goes back to Washington.”

“I really hate Bowman.”

“No, you don’t.”

“I hate it right now.”

“Yeah.. Me too.”

“Thats why small towns such so much, you know? When you loose someone everything reminds you of them. If we’d grown up in Boston or something, at least you could avoid the places you used to go to.” Clarke said. “Every single thing in Bowman reminds me of my dad.”

_(Reminds me of you.)_

“That doesn’t really go away.” Bellamy said quietly. “You just learn to live with it.”

“I’m starting to realise theres a lot of things I have to live with now dad is dead.” Clarke said, looking at Bellamy carefully. He was leaning against the wall, his shoulders hunched over. “Thank you, Bellamy.”

“For what?”

“Coming tonight. Taking me home. Dealing with my shit.” Clarke said, nudging him in the ribs. “Who else talks about these things with me at one o’clock in the morning, right?”

Bellamy laughed. “Right.”

They lapsed into silence, waiting for their taxi, the rest of the noisy bar crowd spilling out onto the street, heading their separate ways. It was always funny, to see people stumbling around and trying to make it down the street without falling on their asses.

“This is us Clarke.” Bellamy said a few minutes later, gesturing to the taxi that had pulled up at the pavement in front of them. 

Clarke nodded, and slid into the taxi, grateful to have somewhere to sit down. “I’m s-so tired.” She yawned, leaning against Bellamy’s shoulder as he sat in beside her, telling their taxi driver where to go. 

“You did a lot of dancing, to be fair.” Bellamy grinned. 

“I did go pretty _wild_.”

“Sure.” Bellamy laughed. “You were pretty wild tonight princess.”

“I can be crazy and wild sometimes.”

“It just tires you out.” 

“I like being in bed early.”

“Thats why you’re not wild, you’re an elderly lady at heart.”

“Hey, you never complained about being in bed early when we dated.”

“Not like we were sleeping princess.”

“Sleeping alone felt really weird after we broke up.” Clarke said quietly. 

Bellamy nodded. “Yeah. It was.” 

“You’re doing OK though, right?”

“Yeah, I am. You?”

“No. I’m not really OK.” Clarke said. “I don’t know if its you, or my dad, or both, but I haven’t been OK in a really long time, and I should be, right? I should be OK because me and you broke up like two years ago, and you’re supposed to move on but you’re still the person I want to be with, and see - you’re still my best friend. Thats weird, right? I should have moved on by now.”

Bellamy was quiet for a second. “Its not like I’ve moved on either princess. I’m still figuring out if I can.”

“I though talking about this was going to magically fix everything but it didn’t.”

“Thats thirty bucks when you’re ready man.” The taxi driver said, interrupting their drunken heart to heart.

Bellamy reached for his wallet, handing over the cash before he opened the car door,Clarke tumbling out of the taxi behind him. “You’re a little unsteady there princess.” He laughed, keeping a steady arm on her waist.

“Can I have a piggy back?” 

Bellamy rolled his eyes, but stooped down anyway, letting Clarke climb onto his back. “We’re going to wake your mom up if I give you a piggy back upstairs.”

“No you wont.”

“Clarke, I’m pretty sure -“

“She takes sleeping pills now, has ever since dad died. She won't hear a thing.” Clarke said, burying her face in his shoulder. “Trust me.”

Bellamy nodded an OK, and head up the driveway, his grip on Clarke’s thighs tight. He tried to ignore how bothered he was getting by Clarke’s presence on his back, the feeling of her hands on his chest and her body pressed flush against his almost too much for him to handle.

Clarke wasn’t exactly handling it well either, feeling a little bit too awake again as she and Bellamy somehow managed to get the front door unlocked without both of them falling over, the moment of his muscles under this shirt making her hold her breath and bit her tongue before she said (or did) something stupid.

“Here we are princess.” Bellamy said, kicking Clarke’s bedroom door open. “Home and safe.”

“Thanks Bell.” Clarke said, straightening her shirt as Bellamy set her down on the ground again. 

“Anytime.” Bellamy said, turning to leave.

“Wait.”

“Hm?”

“Don’t go yet.” Clarke moved closer to him. “I don’t want you to go yet.”

“You’re drunk Clarke.”

“So are you.” 

“Yeah, but I-“ 

Clarke stood on her tiptoes, pressing her lips softly to his. “You don’t want this?”

“Trust me Clarke, I really want this.”

“Then whats the problem?” 

“Its a really, _really_ bad idea.”

“I know.” Clarke said, studying his expression carefully. “I know its a really bad idea.”

“So we shouldn’t…” Bellamy said, his throat insanely dry as he watched Clarke, waiting for her to respond.

“No. We shouldn’t.” Clarke said, reaching for one of the buttons on Bellamy’s shirt, popping it open. “I still want to though.”

“This isn’t going to change anything Clarke, we still have all the same issues, and problems.”

“I know. I wasn’t expecting this to change anything.” Clarke said. “But its been a _really_ long time since I last had sex and you look way too attractive for your own good right now.”

Bellamy couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I mean - where do you get off, looking so goddamn hot all the time? Its ridiculous.”

“Like watching you dance on a table wasn’t a turn on.”

Clarke grinned, pushing open the next button on his shirt. “We should totally stop now though, right?”

“Mm.” Bellamy made an noise of agreement, wrapping an arm around Clarke’s waist. “Or we could go one more time. For old times sake.”

“For old times sake.” Clarke agreed, and there was a pause before she pressed her lips to his in a desperate kiss, tangling her hands in his hair. Bellamy responded eagerly, fumbling with the buttons on Clarke’s shirt blindly. 

“Bed Bell.” Clarke said, breaking their kiss for a second to tug her shirt over her head, practically ripping Bellamy’s in her haste to get the material off his body and onto the floor. Bellamy nodded, guiding her backwards until her thighs hit the bed frame, Clarke flopping back onto her duvet and dragging Bellamy down with her.

“Still feel like this is a bad idea.” Bellamy said, pressing feather light kisses along her collarbone, trying to unhook her bra at the same time.

“Bellamy Blake, if you don’t shut the fuck up and fuck me right now I will hit you in the head with something." 

“Your wish is my command, princess.”

* * *

Clarke woke up earlier than she had thought she would, her alarm clock declaring it was 10 am in overly bright green letters. The previous nights events came flooding back as she stretched, her complete lack of clothes fairly indicative of what she’d gotten up to.

With _Bellamy_.

“Oh, god.” Clarke looked over to the other side of the bed, half expecting to see Bellamy passed out next to her.

It was empty, and while (for the most part) Clarke was incredibly grateful that Bellamy knew neither of them wanted to deal with the morning after awkwardness that comes with sleeping with an ex, a part of her wished he had stayed.

In a fantasy world, last night was their romantic reunion, and they’d wake up the next morning and fix all their problems and live happily ever after - but this was real life, and nothing in real life worked out as simply.

“Still the same people with the same issues.” Clarke sighed, echoing Bellamy’s statement from the previous night. Reaching for a discarded t-shirt, Clarke pulled it on and felt around her crumpled duvet cover, looking for her cellphone.

She had a few text messages, mainly drunken texts from Octavia and one from Raven that was only sent a few minutes previously. 

_Need urgent medical help. Drank waaaay too much. U alive girl?_

Hitting dial on her phone, Clarke held it to her ear, unsure of where to begin. 

“ _Hey, Clarke. I feel like death.”_ Raven croaked.

“At least you just got drunk Rae.” Clarke sighed, pushing her hair out of her face.

_“What happened?”_

“I slept with Bellamy Rae.” Clarke said. 

“ _Oh.”_

“Yeah, oh.” Clarke grimaced. 

_“I mean… You did kind of need to get laid."_

“Rae! Not helping!”

_“Sorry, I had to. Is he still there?”_

“No, he’s gone. I vaguely remember us agreeing that it was a really bad idea and it was just for old times sake last night.”

_“Then you have nothing to worry about Clarke. Honestly, sex with your ex happens. Don’t freak out over it.”_

“You think so?”

_“I know so. Now get your pretty butt over here and bring me some water before I die.”_

 “Alright, I’m on my way.” Clarke laughed, hanging up and tossing her phone aside. She wasn’t going to deny it, Raven was right - she did kind of need to get laid. 

* * *

 

The rest of the summer passed without any major event, and the end of August rolled around quickly - Clarke had already sent a newly loved up Jasper and Octavia (God, she hoped they figured their shit out this time around) back to Washington with Monty, and she had headed back to Boston without as much as a goodbye to her mother.

She hadn’t seen Bellamy since they’d slept together, and Clarke wasn’t sure how to feel about it, honestly. She _wanted_ to see him, and she _didn’t_ want to see him, and she was so confused and conflicted at this point Clarke figured the only solution was to turn off the part of the brain that thought about Bellamy Blake all the time.

The apartment was quiet when she got back to Boston - she was the first one to get there, apparently - and it was only after she’d unloaded all her boxes and bags that she saw she had a missed call from Finn.

Clarke couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow as she listened to her voicemail.

“ _Hey Clarke, its Finn - I know this might seem a little random, but I just transferred to Harvard, I got a scholarship there to finish out my degree. I swear, I’m not stalking you across the country Clarke, its total coincidence. Anyway, if you want to meet up for coffee sometime, you have my number. It’d be great to have a friend here. Uh, see you around, I guess.”_

Clarke stared at her phone for a few minutes before she hit dial, holding the phone to her ear nervously. 

“Hey, Finn? Its Clarke. I was wondering if you want to meet up for lunch today?”

_If all else fails, distract yourself._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think what this chapter establishes is that i can't write smut (so I avoid it entirely), or dance scenes. i hope you liked it anyway, and apologies for the delay, my writing muse took a holiday.


	8. recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bellamy and clarke fell in love in high school, and the ghost of their two year relationship seems to follow them as they get older. there's no escaping small town life, and apparently, theres no escaping your small town, high school sweetheart either.

Her friendship with Finn was a surprise to Clarke, if she’d been honest. She’d half expected to go for coffee with him, and be sitting across from the same boy she’d dated in freshman year, the same teenager who’d alternated between being jealous of her and Bellamy, or Raven and Monty back when they had some sort of _thing_ going, or just being plain _jealous_.

 

It hadn’t been a good look on him, and Clarke knew that was where so much of the annoyance she felt towards him was as a result of the weirdly jealous personality he’d developed in high school.

 

She’d forgotten people grew up. The Finn she had met for coffee that day was barely a shadow of his eighteen year old self, happier and more talkative and he seemed to have just matured completely and utterly.

 

It was nice to have _this_ Finn in her life. Clarke liked to think that she had caught glimpses of this potentially wonderful Finn when she had fallen for him at fifteen.

 

_(The truth was, Finn had been new, and exciting and so impossibly cool to her at fifteen._ **_That_ ** _was why she had fallen for him, but its not like she had to stick to that reason.)_

 

“It has been the day from hell.” Clarke announced, sitting down across from Finn, who was engrossed in a book, a cup of coffee left forgotten in front of him.

 

“Hm?”

 

“My thesis supervisor is deliberately trying to make me have a stress breakdown.” Clarke said. “I’m serious!” She defended when she caught a smirk flash across Finn’s face.

 

“I’m sure she wants you to get your thesis done.” Finn said, carefully marking his place before closing his book.

 

“She doesn’t - she wants me to fail out of my senior year and never get to medical school.” Clarke said, feeling immensely grateful when a waitress came over to them.

 

“Hey guys, can I get you anything?”

 

“Can I have a skinny vanilla latte please?” Clarke said, offering the waitress a bright smile. “Oh, and a blueberry muffin please.”

 

The waitress nodded. “No problem. Anything else?”

 

“Can I just have another coffee?” Finn asked.

 

“Of course. I’ll bring that down to you guys.”

 

“Thank you.” Clarke beamed.

 

“I really don’t understand why you drink skinny vanilla lattes.” 

 

“What? They’re so good!” 

 

“They cost you like four dollars every time.” 

 

Clarke laughed. “I like them though, so its worth it. Not all of us drink black coffee Finn - actually, I think you’re the _only_ person I know who drinks their coffee completely black.”

 

“Keeps me functioning.” 

 

“Mm, so you think.” Clarke said, unlocking her phone and scrolling through her instagram feed. “Aw, look - aren’t Wells and his girlfriend so adorable?” She showed Finn the photo Wells had just posted of him and his girlfriend Ellie. 

 

“He looks happy.” Finn nodded.

 

“He is.” Clarke confirmed, liking the picture. “He’s done so much for me over the years, I’m so glad to see him happy - he deserves it.”

 

“Don’t we all deserve to be happy?” Finn joked.

 

“Are you going to get all deep and philosophical on me? Because I don’t think my brain could handle it after the day I’ve just put down.”

 

“OK - tell me what your thesis supervisor from hell has done?”

 

As Clarke launched into a fully fledged rant about how much her thesis supervisor was doing her head in, she couldn’t hold back a smile.

 

“What are you laughing about?” Finn raised an eyebrow. “You looked ready to do a hulk smash about four seconds ago.”

 

“I just… This is going to sound so stupid.”

 

“I’m sure it wont.”

 

“Things are finally looking up for me.” Clarke said. “Loosing dad was really hard for me, and everything that happened between Bellamy and I over the years - it all took more of a toll on me than I realised, and I was so _sad_ for so long. Boston doesn’t feel like an escape from Bowman anymore, its actually starting to feel like home, and I’m starting to enjoy college more. Its stupid because we’ll be graduating in a matter of months - but things are better.”

 

“I didn’t realise things had been so bad Clarke, I’m sorry.”

 

“I don’t - I don’t think I even realised how sad I was.” Clarke admitted. It was strange to be saying all this out loud - its not something she’d quite admitted to anyone, not even Octavia or Raven. “It all just sort of came at once and I just felt really heartbroken for such a long time.”

 

“I mean - thats understandable. You lost your dad but you lost Bellamy too, that can’t have been easy.”

 

“it wasn’t.” Clarke shook her head. “I’m getting there though. Its helping, having you around.”

 

“Really?” Finn seemed surprised. 

 

“Yeah, I mean - I know we didn’t really get along for a long time back in high school, but we’re all different people now. I’m glad we’re friends.”

 

“I’m glad we’re friends too Clarke.”

 

Clarke smiled. “Good. Now let me finish my story about my thesis before I _explode_ with rage.”

* * *

 

Clarke had always maintained her feelings for Finn were long dead. They’d dated in freshman year for like a month, and in the grand scheme of things it hadn’t really meant too much in the end - which meant that it was even more shocking to her when it hit her on a busy Monday morning that her feelings for Finn _might_ be less than platonic.

 

She was sitting in Sebastian’s Cafe, eating lunch and flicking through her notes for Physical Sciences when it dawned on her that she was feeling something _more_. She knew the feeling all too well - a tingle in her stomach when she saw him, a stupid smile on her face when his name lit up her phone.

 

_Oh my god._

 

She was **screwed**.

 

Her phone coming to life interrupted her suddenly frantic train of thought, and Clarke had never been more glad to see Octavia’s face light up her screen.

 

“Hey O, how are you?”

 

_“Clarke?”_

 

“O, whats happened?” Clarke said, recognising the worry in Octavia’s voice. “What’s wrong?”

 

_“I just got a call - about Bellamy.”_

 

Clarke felt as if her heart had stopped beating. That was the one sentence she had been so scared to hear ever since Bellamy had told her in the military.

 

“Whats happened to him?” She barely managed to choke out the question.

 

_“Apparently a mission he was on went south and he got hurt. He w-was airlifted to Germany two weeks ago.”_

 

“You’re only finding out now?”

 

“ _He wouldn’t let them call me until he knew when he would be back in the US.”_

 

“So he’s awake? He’s not - he’s not in a coma or anything?”

 

“ _I don’t know much, but the officer I spoke to she he was doing OK.”_ Octavia said, sounding completely exhausted. “ _He’s been flown into Brockton Campus. I’m s-sure he’s fine, but can you go and see him so he’s not alone? I’m still in LA, I’m trying to get a flight home but I might not get there until tomorrow. I know things are weird with you two, but -“_

 

_“_ O, of course I’ll go and see him.” Clarke interrupted. “Bellamy and I are fine. I’ll go and keep him company until you get here.”

 

“ _Thank you Clarke._ ” Octavia let out a heavy sigh. “ _I’m so scared Clarke. He’s all I’ve got.”_

 

“I’m sure he’s fine O, he always is.” 

 

“ _What if this is the one time he isn’t?”_

 

“Don’t you dare think that way.” Clarke said, stuffing her books into her handbag. “Bellamy is a fighter and you know that better than I do. I’m probably going to get to the hospital and he’ll be trying to discharge himself so he can get back to work, you know him.”

 

Octavia laughed tearily. “ _The nurses will have to strap him down to keep him there.”_

“And he’ll annoy everyone to no end complaining about the food, and about how bored he is.” Clarke said. “Don’t worry Octavia. He is going to be fine.”

 

_“Ring me when you see him, yeah?”_

 

“Of course.”

 

_“Love you Clarkey.”_

 

“Love you O.”

 

Clarke felt eerily calm as she locked her phone, picking up her handbag. It was all replaying in her head over, and _over_ and there was alarm bells ringing and **airlifted** and **mission gone south** and it was everything she had been _so_ afraid of for so long, and somehow she was standing up and walking out the door and searching for her car keys and putting Brockton Campus into her GPS and keeping herself _breathing_.

 

They had all clearly done something wrong in a past life, because this was the third phone-call in less than four years that had stopped her heart and pushed it into her throat, making her genuinely terrified.

 

_If the people she loved most in the world could stop getting hurt, that would be great._

 

But Bellamy wasn’t dying.

 

If he was dying, they would have called Octavia days ago. He had been lucid enough to make sure they didn’t call Octavia until she could realistically get to him, and Clarke was taking that as a good sign.

 

If he was dying they’d have called her sooner. Right?

 

If you had asked Clarke how she got to the hospital, she honestly wouldn’t be able to tell you. She had driven in a daze, only turning when the tinny voice of her GPS had told her to. The hospital was a whirlwind of activity when she arrived at the reception, clutching her handbag tightly.

 

“I’m looking for Bellamy Blake.” 

 

“Are you a relative?”

 

“His sister is flying out here now.” Clarke said, looking at the nurse, still not quite snapped out of her daze. “I’m his girlfriend.”

 

The lie slipped out of her mouth easily.

 

The nurse nodded. “I’ll take you to his room now.”

 

“Is he okay?”

 

“He underwent major surgery in Germany.” The nurse said. “He’s on a lot of pain medication right now, but he’s more lucid than we expected him to be, so thats good. He’s in good hands here, don’t worry.”

 

Clarke nodded. The nurse was more optimistic than she had expected her to be.

 

_That was good, right?_

 

“I assume they told you everything on the phone.” The nurse continued. “It will probably be shocking to you at first, but trust me, its stranger for Lieutenant Blake. It’ll take some getting used to for the both of you.”

 

Clarke was barely listening as she followed the nurse down the hallway.

 

“I know that Bellamy may have other friends that want to come and see him, but we’d like to restrict it to either you or his sister right now - for the next few days at least. We just don’t want to risk any infection.” The nurse said. “Make sure you use the hand sanitiser, please.”

 

Clarke hastily stuck her hands under the dispenser, rubbing the cool gel into her hands. 

 

“If you need anything, just press the help bell over his bed.” The nurse said, opening the door for her, offering her a smile. “I’ll be putting together some information for you and his sister on how to deal with his condition anyway.”

 

“Thank you.” Clarke said quietly, stepping into the hospital room. Her heart was in her mouth as she crossed the pristine white room, recognising the familiar dark hair, strikingly black against the white pillow. “Bell?” Her voice was barely a croak as she spoke.

 

“Clarke?” Bellamy tried to sit up in bed a little more. 

 

He looked _fine_.

 

“Oh my god.” Clarke dumped her handbag on an empty chair, crossing the room in a few short seconds, throwing her arms around him. “You’re okay. You’re _okay_. You had me really fucking worried for a minute there Bell, with all this mystery and - whatever. You’re okay.”

 

She pulled back from him, running a hand through his hair, checking his face for bruises and cuts. His skin was practically clear, a small cut across his cheek the only indicator he’d been hurt in some way.

 

“What the hell even happened to you? The nurse said that I should prepare myself to be shocked, but you look fine Bell.” 

 

Bellamy stayed quiet.

 

_Shocking._

 

_It’ll take some getting used to._

 

_Brockton Campus._

 

“This is a rehabilitation hospital.” Clarke said, realisation suddenly dawning. “Bellamy, why are you in a rehabilitation hospital?”

 

“I didn’t want them to tell Octavia over the phone.” Bellamy averted his gaze, fiddling with his hospital band, flicking at the clear plastic.

 

“Please tell me I’m assuming very, _very_ wrong here Bellamy.”

 

Bellamy stayed quiet.

 

With shaking hands, Clarke grabbed the edge of his blanket, pulling it back to reveal exactly what she had assumed was wrong. 

 

There was _nothing_ below the knee of his right leg.

 

“You lost your leg.”

 

“I mean… Not all of it.” Bellamy said, trailing off. “If you’re going to give out to me Clarke, you might as well leave right now, because I know you were right, and I got hurt - but I’m the one who’s lost a leg here and I don’t need to hear any I told you so’s -“

 

Clarke cut him off by hugging him again, wrapping her arms tightly around him. “You’re going to be OK.”

 

Bellamy hugged her back this time, tentatively wrapping his arms around her. “What if they don’t let me stay in the army?”

 

“You can cross that bridge when you come to it.” Clarke said, running a soothing hand through his hair. “Right now, you just need to focus on getting better. You’re going to be running around the place again in no time, knowing you.”

 

“It still feels like its there Clarke.” Bellamy said, his voice barely more than a whisper, tears welling up in his eyes. “I keep expecting to look down and see two legs.”

 

“Well,” Clarke said, sitting down on the edge of his bed. “Think of it this way - you’re only going to need to buy one shoe from now on. That has to make life easier, right?”

 

Bellamy laughed through his tears, shaking his head slightly. “Always look on the bright side of life I guess.”

 

“You’re going to get through this Bell.” Clarke said, giving his hand a squeeze. “Its really fucking scary, but you’re going to get through this.”

 

“Thanks for coming to see me Clarke.”

 

Clarke smiled at him softly. “Like I wouldn’t be here.” She brushed his hair back off his forehead again. “You need anything? More pain meds?”

 

Bellamy shook his head. “I’m just tired.”

 

Clarke nodded, standing up. “Try and get some sleep then.”

 

“Are you leaving?” Bellamy’s voice sounded so small, so _broken_.

 

“I’m going to go and buy you some actual pyjamas, because you’re not pulling off that gown.” Clarke teased. “White is not your colour.”

 

Bellamy laughed again. “Thanks princess.”

 

“I need to call Octavia too.” Clarke said. “She asked me to call you as soon as I saw you.”

 

“Please don’t tell her - about my leg I mean.”

 

“Bell, she has a right to know.”

 

“But you know Octavia, she’s just going to get upset and hysterical.” Bellamy said. “She needs to be told in person or she’ll just loose it. Just tell her I’m fine.”

 

“I’m not going to lie to her. You didn’t get flown back from Afghanistan for nothing Bellamy.”

“Then tell her its serious but its not life-threatening.” Bellamy said. “Thats not a lie. This isn’t going to r-ruin my life - is it?” He sounded unsure of himself.

 

Clarke was quiet for a second. “No, its not going to ruin your life.”

 

“Then don’t tell her. Not until she gets here.” Bellamy said. “Please Clarke, if you _ever_ loved me, you’ll do this.”

 

Clarke closed her eyes, trying to steady her breathing. “Don’t you dare use that to get your way.”

 

“Please Clarke.”

 

“Fine.” Clarke said. “Fine, I wont tell her. But as soon as she gets here, you’re going to tell her _everything_.”

 

Bellamy nodded. “Sounds fair.”

 

Clarke grabbed her handbag, reaching to close the curtains and dim the light in the room. “Try and sleep.”

 

Bellamy nodded, lying back down. “Love you Clarke.”

 

Clarke didn’t reply. 

 

_It was just the pain meds._

 

_Right?_

* * *

Clarke had lied her ass of on the phone to Octavia, and on the phone to Jasper because if he knew the truth he would _tell_ O, and now Clarke was standing in the middle of Target with a basket full of pyjama sets and books and she desperately needed to tell someone and have them reassure her things would be OK.

 

Bellamy was the one who was hurt but there was a tightness in Clarke’s chest that was making her feel like she couldn’t breathe.

 

“Finn?” 

 

_“Hey Clarke. Whats up?”_

 

“I uh.” Clarke began, gazing around the toiletries section. “I got a call from Octavia a few hours ago. Bellamy got hurt.”

 

_“Is he okay?”_

 

“He lost his leg Finn.” Clarke said, tears welling up in her eyes. “He made me promise to not tell Octavia, because she’d be too upset to get on the plane from LA and I just had to lie and tell her it was nothing serious and she’s going to get here, and hate me because it is serious Finn, it is.”

 

_“Clarke, slow down, its OK. Take a deep breath before you make yourself panic.”_

 

“I lied to her about her only family.”

 

“ _Octavia will understand why you didn’t tell her.”_ Finn said. _“She will. You did the right thing, and you’re upset right now so you can’t see that. What hospital are you in?”_

 

“Target.”

 

“ _What?”_

 

“Bellamy needed pyjamas so I’m standing in the middle of Target having a meltdown on the phone.” Clarke said, brushing away her tears. “A woman turned onto this aisle and bolted as soon as she saw me. I’m the crazy Target person.”

 

_“Clarke,_ ” Finn said, barely holding in laughter. “ _You’re not the crazy Target person.”_

 

“I am though.” Clarke sighed. “I am the crazy Target person, and thats fine because at least I still have both my legs attached to my body.”

 

“ _How is Bellamy?”_ Finn said, sobering up.

 

“I think he’s still in shock.” Clarke said. “He doesn’t seem upset - well, he seems upset and not devastated.”

 

_“Thats pretty standard when someone looses a limb though, isn’t it?”_

 

“Yeah.” Clarke said, scanning the shelves for the deodorant she knew Bellamy always wore. “This is going to change his life completely Finn. He’s not even twenty three yet.”

 

_“That could work in his favour Clarke - he’s young, he’s strong. He’ll get through it. I mean, they can do incredible things with prosthetic limbs these days.”_

 

“Thank you.”

 

“ _For what?”_

 

“Listening to my selfish breakdown.”

 

_“How are you being selfish?”_

 

“I’m crying in the middle of Target and I’m perfectly OK. Bell’s the one who lost a leg.”

 

_“You’re allowed to be shocked and upset when someone you love as much as you love Bellamy gets hurt.”_

 

“I don’t - I’m not in love with him.” Clarke said before she could even think about it.

 

_“I didn’t say you were Clarke, but he was your first love. You’ll always love him, right? Like how I’ll always love Rae.”_

 

“Yeah.”

 

“ _Do you want me to come to the hospital?”_

 

Clarke shook her head. “The nurse said that they’re only going to allow Octavia and me in for now, in case of infection or anything. He might get overwhelmed if theres people all over his hospital room.”

 

_“Thats fair enough. Call me if you need anything Clarke, okay? I’m always here.”_

 

“Thank you.” Clarke hung up the phone, finally spotting the deodorant she had been looking for. She could practically smell it through the bottle, the familiar musky scent that had always lingered on Bellamy’s clothes, on the hoodies she stole from him - on her blankets the morning after he’d spent the night.

 

As she inhaled, it brought back so many memories, unfurling the tightness in her chest slightly. For what felt like the first time, something that reminded her of Bellamy didn’t make her sad, it made her nostalgic, happy even.

 

Maybe it was a sign she was starting to move on. She could remember the times they’d had together with happiness instead of longing.

 

Maybe that was how you knew you had finally moved on.

 

Tossing the deodorant in her basket, Clarke headed for the checkouts, pausing to grab a packet of Bellamy’s favourite biscuits. 

 

She was going to help her friend get through this.

* * *

 

It was early the next morning when Octavia arrived. She burst into Bellamy’s hospital room like a whirlwind, looking around frantically. 

 

“Bell? Oh my god, Bell, what the hell happened? Where are you hurt? No one is telling me anything and I have been driving myself crazy for the past _day_ wondering if you were on deaths door - you look _fine._ ”

 

Bellamy was frozen, not even moving to hug his sister back.

 

Clarke knew what she had to do. 

 

“Octavia, sweetie?” Clarke said, taking her friends bags from her. “You’re going to need to sit down for a second.”

 

“Just tell me what the hell happened to him Clarke, I know you were lying to me on the phone.”

 

_Clarke was apparently not so great a liar._

 

“Bellamy lost his leg.” Clarke said. “I know thats scary to hear, but Octavia - he’s going to be fine. Look at him - he looks good, right? This is just something to get over and learn to live with. He’s still Bell, he’s still a big goof. Just, minus a leg.”

 

Octavia looked shocked, and scared and upset all at once. “You lost a leg?”

 

Bellamy nodded, swallowing thickly. “Yeah. We uh, hit an IED. Truck exploded. I got off lightly compared the rest of my unit, I lost it from the knee down.”

 

“Oh god.” Octavia said, looking wildly around the room. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

 

Clarke lunged for the dish in the corner of the room, sticking it underneath Octavia’s mouth just in time. She rubbed slow circles on her back as Octavia puked her guts up, whispering soft, soothing words.

 

“It’s OK. Let it out O, its OK.”

 

“No, its not okay!” Octavia hiccuped. “Bellamy you lost a _leg,_ its not the same thing as loosing a fingernail, or -“

 

“Lets talk a walk O.” Clarke said. “Get you cleaned up.”

 

“What, no -“

 

“Just come with me Octavia.” Clarke said, a little more forcefully this time. She wrapped an arm around Octavia, guiding her out of the room quickly.

 

“How can he be so calm about it?” Octavia exclaimed, the door barely clicking shut behind them before she completely lost it. “Clarke, he lost a goddamn leg -“

 

“He’s in shock, and you’re not going to help his emotional state if you go in there and yell at him. Trust me, I’d like to do it too, but Bellamy lost a leg in combat O, and its traumatic on _so_ many levels for him.” Clarke said. “You need to get your freak out over with now, with me, and we go back in there and put on brave faces and support him.”

 

“How Clarke? He’s going to be recovering from this for months - for the rest of his _life_. How am I supposed to go in there and act like I can handle it?”

 

“Pretend.” Clarke said. “Just, keep pretending until you can handle it. This isn’t about us, this is about Bellamy. He’s going to need a lot of support from us for a long time - O, he’s going to have months of really tough rehab ahead of him and he’s going to need you to be there for him.”

 

She sighed, tucking Octavia’s hair behind her ears. “Have a meltdown now, cry and scream and do whatever feels right. I had my meltdown about this in the middle of Target, at least you picked a slightly more appropriate place.”

 

Octavia smiled through her tears, hiccuping slightly. “You were the crazy Target lady?”

 

“Yeah.” Clarke said, laughing. “I was.”

 

“I can’t believe he lost a leg Clarke.”

 

“He’s not dead.” Clarke said. “This, this is better than the alternative. You can live a very long, and happy life with a disability. Bell is going to be fine, he just needs our support. He needs you to be the strong one.”

 

“He’s always the strong one.” Octavia sighed.

 

“Now its your turn.” Clarke said, reaching in her pocket for a tissue, wiping away the mess of tears and snot on Octavia’s face.

 

“What if I can’t be the strong one? What if I can’t do this alone?”

 

“You can. You’re an incredible strong person O, I know you can support him through this - and you won't be on your own.” Clarke said. “Once everyone knows, theres going to be a steady stream of people coming to see him. I’m always here for you, and so is Raven. You’re not alone. Neither of you are.”

 

“I love you Clarkey.”

 

“I love you too O.” Clarke said. “Now, come on. Bell could definitely do with some sister hugs right now.”

 

And like that, crisis averted. Clarke watched as Octavia put her brave face on, and clambered into the hospital bed beside her brother, and gave him a hug and made fun of the dorky cartoon pyjamas Clarke had bought him in Target, and she could see the grateful look in Bellamy’s eyes to have sister there to take his mind off everything.

 

“I have to go to class.” Clarke said quietly. “You’re going to stay at my place O, yeah? I’ll take your case there and I’ll come back here tonight with dinner.”

 

“You’re a star Clarkey.” Octavia said, hugging her tightly. “Thank you.”

 

“You’re my family. Like you even need to thank me.” Clarke said, revelling in the hug for a second before pulling away. “Call if you need anything.”

 

With that, she left the room, feeling tears welling up in her eyes again. How did you even deal with something like this? Her speech to Octavia was a fluke, a mashup of all the online articles about supporting a loved one in this kind of situation.

 

Clarke really needed someone to give her the same kind of speech and help her get her shit together.

 

“Finn?” She said into her phone, her voice cracking. “I could really use a friend right now.”

* * *

 

They settled into a routine after those first couple of days. Octavia and Clarke would be at the hospital with Bellamy most days, keeping them company, and in the rare moments Clarke wasn’t at the hospital, she’d be in class, or with Finn.

 

Finn was a godsend. Having someone who was on the outside of the whole situation to act as her voice of reason and just be a support was all that was getting her through seeing Bellamy confined to a hospital bed, pale and thin, and a shadow of himself.

 

She had no right to be sad about it, she wasn’t the one with a newfound disability and their career hanging in the balance, but Clarke was finding the whole thing hard. She kept her front up around Octavia, and Bellamy, and she was the strong one for them, but when she went home, when she left the hospital and escaped it all, she needed Finn - she needed him to be her friend and support her and make the whole situation easier.

 

OK, Clarke did have a bit of a crush on him, but that was on hold in her mind for the moment. She’d figure that out later.

 

She was really grateful to have him in her life, especially when Bellamy forced Octavia back to Washington.

 

“You’re in your final year and you have a degree to get O, I’m fine.” Bellamy had said, booking a plane ticket for his sister despite her protests.

 

_“I’ll make sure he’s okay O, I promise.”_

 

Clarke wouldn’t say she was regretting her promise - of course she wanted to make sure Bellamy was OK, of course was going to come and see him - but when Finn tried to kiss her for the first time, she selfishly wished it wasn’t Boston he was recovering in.

 

“I do have feelings for you.” Clarke had said, so quietly her voice was barely audible. “But I can’t do this to Bellamy, not when he’s recovering from something so serious.”

“Is he still in love with you?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do you still love him?”

 

“Not like that.” 

 

“Then what Clarke?” 

 

“Half his unit were killed in the explosion that cost him his leg Finn. Right now, he needs friends, and he needs support and he doesn’t need you and me rubbing our relationship in his face.” Clarke had explained. “When he’s getting better, when he’s getting there - I want this, I want us.”

 

“But right now he needs friends?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

And that had been that. Finn didn’t try to kiss her again, and he would visit Bellamy in hospital when she was in class, and there was a steady stream of friends visiting Bellamy in the hospital as he slowly got on the road to recovery, attending therapy sessions, and starting physical rehab.

 

Raven had been there the day he got fitted for a new prosthetic leg, spending half the time teasing him about becoming the bionic man and the other half throwing popcorn at Finn’s head from across the room, putting them all at ease and making them forget just how serious the whole thing was.

 

Clarke was never more grateful for Bowman, and for the family she had made for herself there, and she couldn’t help but smile every time Raven arrived in Boston with new films for Bellamy to watch, or when Wells arrived with as many books and doughnuts he could carry, or when Jasper and Monty arrived and caused enough commotion to get thrown out of the hospital.

 

It was a distraction from whatever was happening with her and Finn, and she hoped it was distraction enough for Bellamy not to notice the longing looks Finn seemed to unconsciously send her way, the ones Clarke knew she was sending right back.

 

She couldn’t do it to him.

 

Not right then.

 

So she didn’t, and she settled into a routine of visiting him, and doing her college work in his hospital room, trying to give him all the support she could, and sneak in all the Chinese food she could because _god_ hospital food sucked. 

 

It was a comfortable routine and months passed by quickly, and Bellamy watched as she filled out her medical school applications and pretended to listen when she read him chunks of her thesis, and she pushed him around the hospital in a wheelchair he beyond hated, and offered him an arm when he was learning to walk with his new leg, and she was his shoulder to cry on when it all got too much and he was convinced that he would never be able to walk again and he would be stuck in that goddamn wheelchair forever.

 

She tried to ignore how much it felt like _Bell and Clarke against the world_ and told herself she was just helping an old friend and she tried to ignore how much she was falling for Finn in the midst of it all.

 

* * *

 

“Clarke, what are you doing here?”

 

“I’m here to see you.” Clarke raised an eyebrow. 

 

Bellamy ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head. “You’ve come to see me nearly every single day since I was admitted.”

 

“I know. I like keeping you company.” Clarke shrugged, setting her handbag down on the chair. “You need anything?”

 

“I need you to sit down and listen to me for a second.”

 

Clarke was confused, but she sat down anyway, perching at the side of Bellamy’s bed. 

 

“I don’t want you to give up your life for me.” He said simply.

 

“Who says I’m giving up my life? Bellamy, don’t be -“

 

“I’m an idiot Clarke, and I’m not blind. Theres something there between you and Finn, and you’re not letting it happen, and I think - no, I know its because of me.”

 

“I don’t like him like that -“

 

“Clarke,” Bellamy said, interrupting softly. “You’re forgetting that I know exactly what it looks like when you like someone.”

 

Clarke felt flustered, she didn’t know what to say, or do.

 

“We need to stop holding each other back from being happy.” Bellamy said. “All I want - like, in this whole wide world - for you to be happy. I know I’m not the guy, I’m not the guy you spend the rest of your life with, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you to be happy.”

 

“I am happy.”

 

“But you don’t have to be happy alone, Clarke.” Bellamy said. “You deserve to have someone in your life who makes you even happier, and if that person is Finn - if that person could be Finn, you owe it to yourself to go for it. And if it turns out that the person isn’t Finn, its someone - there is someone out there who’s going to make you happier than I ever did, and you’re not going to find them sitting in a hospital room with me every single day.”

 

“I’m scared.” Clarke admitted. “I’m too scared.”

 

“I know, I know you’re scared of feeling like you did when we broke up again - so am I.” Bellamy said. “I’m afraid to put myself out there because the thought of ever feeling like I did when you and I broke up ever again _terrifies_ me, but we can’t not try. You deserve to fall in love again, and you’re putting your life on hold because I’m stuck in this hospital.”

 

He looked at her carefully. “I know you let life pass you by a lot when you first moved out here, and it was because of me, because of our breakup. I’m not going to be the reason behind you letting life pass you by again.”

 

“I’m not putting my life on hold. I’m not.”

 

“You are Clarke. You haven’t dated anyone since we broke up, not for real. That was nearly four years ago.”

 

“You haven’t either.”

 

“I know, and I’m going to change that. I made a promise to myself that when I’m out of here, when I’m walking again and I’m used to this part of me being missing and I’m _comfortable_ with myself as I am now - I’m going to date again. I am.” Bellamy said. “I want you to promise yourself that you’ll do the same. You’ll move on and date again. We can’t keep doing this, forcing each other to drop everything in each others lives - we can’t keep holding on to what we used to have. You were right, that day in the coffee bean. Maybe you and I were just supposed to be in love in high school.”

 

“What we had was so good Bellamy..” Clarke said, roughly wiping at the tears that were rolling down her cheeks. “How do I forget that?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers either. What I do know Clarke, is that you deserve all the happiness in the world, and I know that I’m not the guy thats going to do that for you. I know that I need to let you go, and that you need to let me go, and the both of us need to move on and fall in love again.”

 

“What if don’t want to?” 

Bellamy smiled sadly at her. “You do Clarke. I know you, and I know that you do actually have feelings for him. You owe it to yourself to try.”

 

Clarke hugged him tightly, her arms in a vice grip around his neck. “I love you Bell.”

 

Bellamy pulled away from her hug, looking at her with a teary expression. “This is me letting you go Clarke. For good this time.”

 

Clarke stifled a sob, standing up and reaching for her handbag. “I guess this is me letting you go too. For real.”

 

“Have a good life Clarke.”

 

She could see just how choked up he was, tears forcing their way out of his eyes, his fingers picking at a loose thread in his pyjama bottoms in an attempt to distract himself from how his heart was physically breaking.

 

She knew that was what was happening because she _knew_ him, and because it was exactly why she was holding on to her handbag like it was the only thing keeping her from collapsing into a puddle of tears on the floor.

 

“Yeah,” Clarke said, her vision blurred with tears. “You too Bell. Be happy.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew. i hope the fact this is over 6,000 words long makes up for the delay in updating - its been an insane semester for me at uni, and i honestly haven't had the time to write or the inspiration to. i'm finished my last exam tomorrow, so this will be updated again soon.
> 
> we're officially in the home run of this fic, only a few more chapters!


	9. the big wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bellamy and clarke fell in love in high school, and the ghost of their two year relationship seems to follow them as they get older. there's no escaping small town life, and apparently, theres no escaping your small town, high school sweetheart either.

It felt strange to back in Bowman. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be there, it was more that it had just been so long since she had been home. Clarke’s life was in Boston now, and she was so busy with medical school that she didn’t have the chance to come home anymore. ****

 

It was nearly Christmas, and there was lights strung up around the town, giving the whole place a wonderfully Christmassy atmosphere. It was cold, but a crisp dry sort of cold that Clarke enjoyed. 

 

“I can’t believe Octavia is getting married tomorrow.” Clarke said, flicking her indicator on. 

 

“Me neither.” Finn said. “Its strange, she was always the wild child of the group. I figured that she’d be the last to get married. God, that sounds terrible, doesn’t it?”

 

Clarke laughed. “I know what you mean.”

 

Clarke had gotten an insanely excited phone-call from Octavia four months previously, her friend screaming down the phone that she was getting married to Atom. She’d met Atom when she had been in Europe after she graduated with her masters, and she was head over heels for him almost instantly.

 

Clarke had been worried about how fast it all happened initially, but when Octavia had brought Atom out to Boston and she saw just how happy he made Octavia, she had happily agreed to be maid of honour and launched herself full force into helping O plan their wedding.

 

As Clarke pulled up outside Finn’s parents house, she looking at him carefully. “Can I tell everyone in my own time?”

 

Finn raised an eyebrow, but nodded after a second’s pause. “Its your choice.”

 

“I just - I don’t want to take away from Octavia’s big day.” Clarke said, fiddling with the ring on her finger. “You only get married once, right?”

 

“Right.” Finn said, smiling softly. “I’ll see you at the rehearsal dinner. Love you.”

 

“Love you too.” Clarke replied, watching as he grabbed his suitcase and headed up his parents driveway. Once he was inside the house, Clarke pulled back out onto the road, heading towards Octavia’s house.

 

Before she headed into the house, Clarke twisted her engagement ring off her finger, slipping it onto her other hand. She grabbed her bags, and headed for the house, excited to see Octavia and Raven.

 

“Hey, bride to be.” Clarke beamed as Octavia answered the door.

 

“Clarkey!” Octavia hugged her tightly. “I’m so glad you’re here, Raven is not understanding what I want to do with my hair.”

 

“Its not for lack of trying.” Raven said, appearing in the doorway, a hairbrush and can of hairspray in hand. “Bridezilla is being a fusspot.”

 

“I am not a bridezilla! I’m allowed to want my wedding weekend to be perfect - I’m only going to do this once.” Octavia said, practically dragging Clarke up the stairs. “You know how you did your hair for your graduation? I want have it like that tonight.”

 

Clarke laughed, following the two girls into the house. “Your wedding weekend is going to be perfect Tavia, don’t worry. You’re going to look _beautiful_.”

 

“I’m so excited.” Octavia admitted. “I know - I know it all seems to be happening so quickly, but I love him.”

 

Clarke took the hair curler from where it was on the desk, brushing Octavia’s hair through before she started to tease her long dark locks into soft curls. “Thats the most important thing.”

 

Raven nodded her agreement, sitting across from on Octavia’s bed. “Love is all you need.” She singsonged, pulling her hair up in a ponytail. 

 

“Speaking of _love_.” Octavia said, glancing up at Clarke. “How are things with you and Finn?”

 

Clarke looked down at Octavia’s hair, smiling to herself. “Things are good.”

 

“Is that all we’re getting?” 

 

“I don’t… I don’t want it to be weird.” Clarke admitted. ‘Rae, you used to date Finn - and I used to date your brother Tavia. I don’t want to make our friendship weird.”

 

“The only thing that would make it weird for me is you describing, in painful detail, what having sex with my brother was like, and you guys broke up years ago anyway.” Octavia said, the two girls looking at Raven.

 

“Its not weird for me.” Raven said. “OK, it was strange at first, but Finn and I dated in high school. It was a long time ago, and theres nothing there anymore. He’s family, nothing more.”

 

Clarke couldn’t help but break into a bright smile. “Finn and I are engaged.” She admitted, her ears immediately bombarded with high pitched screams.

 

“ _How_ was that not the first thing you told us when you walked through the door? Show us the ring!” Octavia demanded. 

 

“We decided to keep it quiet for now.” Clarke said, slipping her ring onto her actual ring finger, letting Octavia grab her hand. “I didn’t want to take away from your big weekend.”

 

“Oh, ssh.” Octavia said. “As if finding out one of my best friends is getting married would ruin my wedding weekend, it makes it better!”

 

“Its a beautiful ring Clarkey.” Raven said, admiring the simple ring. “Congratulations.”

 

Clarke beamed at her two best friends. “Thanks guys. And you know you’re my joint maids of honour, right?”

 

“Uh, duh.” Octavia said. “Like we would accept anything less!”

 

“This is crazy, first Tavia, and now you’re getting married.” Raven said. “Since when we were grown ups?”  


 

“Have you told anyone? Oh my god, can I announce it at the rehearsal dinner?” Octavia practically jumped out of her chair. 

 

“Can I ask you a favour? Don’t tell anyone. Not yet, anyway.” Clarke said. “I’d uh - I’d like a chance to tell Bellamy myself, and then you can shout it from the rooftops. I just figured that he deserves that much, you know?”

 

Clarke pretended not to notice Raven’s raised eyebrow, and gave a grateful nod when Octavia agreed not to say anything, for now. 

 

“OK, lets get your hair sorted.” Clarke said, brandishing the curling wand. “We’ve got a rehearsal dinner to make you even more beautiful for.”

 

* * *

“You look amazing.” Finn greeted, pressing a gentle kiss to the side of Clarke’s head. 

 

“Thank you.” Clarke smiled at him, melting into his touch, her fingers knotted in the material of his dress shirt. “The whole place looks amazing.”

 

The rehearsal dinner was happening in their town’s one and only slightly high end restaurant,Clancy’s Bistro, and the side room that was usually reserved for birthday parties had been transformed, decorated with flowers and candles, soft music playing in the background.

 

There was only a handful of people already there, milling around and drinking champagne, chatting quietly.

 

“This doesn’t feel like Clancy’s.” Finn admitted, looking around. “They’ve really outdone themselves. You know - it might be worth looking into, for our big day.”

 

“Yeah.” Clarke nodded. “Yeah, definitely. Its really lovely.”

 

“You’ve changed your mind about getting married in Boston then?”

 

“I think I have.” Clarke said. “I mean, the places we looked at in Boston are alls spectacular, but its so far to ask all our families to come for one weekend. It might be nice, to get married at home. You’re back here so often now anyway, it makes the most sense.”

 

Finn had finished up his teaching qualification back in Boston, and he was splitting his time between Boston and Bowman, covering for one of the history teachers at their old high school. He wanted to move back permanently, Clarke knew that - he was waiting for her to finish medical school and make her own decision about coming back to Bowman.

 

She’d already applied to do her residency in a hospital in Richmond, but she was waiting to tell him. Clarke had it all planned out, her big surprise for the boy who’d done so much and loved her so much the past few years.

 

“We could get married in the chapel.” Finn said. “My mom is always talking about how much she’d love to see me get married there.”

 

“Lets look into dates when this weekend is over.” Clarke beamed at him.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.” Clarke glanced across the room as Octavia called her name. “Maid of honour duties await. I’ll talk to you in a bit.”  


Finn nodded, turning to the tray of champagne as Clarke made her way across the room.

 

“What can I do?” Clarke said, resting a hand on Octavia’s waist. 

 

“I just - I wanted to pre-warn you.” Octavia said. “Atom’s best friend - I told you about him, Sterling - his mom is really ill, and he wont make it out to the wedding. Atom asked Bellamy to step in as best man. He’s trying to get Bell on side, you know how Bellamy is - I just wanted to tell you, in case it was strange for you. You’ll be lumped together the whole time.”

 

“Tavia, why would it be strange? Bellamy and I have moved past everything that happened.” 

 

“You haven’t told him you’re engaged.” Octavia said in a stage whisper. 

 

“Don’t worry about that Octavia - or about anything. The next few days are going to be perfect, and all you need to do is sit back and enjoy them.” Clarke said, fixing a stray piece of Octavia’s hair. “OK?”

 

“OK.” Octavia gave her a grateful smile. “You really are the best Clarkey.”

 

“I know.” Clarke joked. “Now sit your butt down, and we can get this rehearsal dinner started.”

 

Clinking the side of her glass, Clarke’s voice carried through the room as it fell silent. “If everyone wants to sit down - we’re going to get started.”

 

Everyone took their seats, settling down in front of the carefully placed name cards. 

 

“I just wanted to say thank you all so much for coming tonight.” Atom stood up, looking around the room. “I know it means so much to Octavia to have so many of her friends here tonight to celebrate with her, and I’m really delighted to have an opportunity to get to know the people who love Tavia as much as I do. I’m obviously really delighted to have my own family here tonight, so thank you for travelling out here for the weekend. We’re so happy to be celebrating the most important day of our lives with all the people we love most in the world, and we’re so grateful for your love and support, this weekend and every day that follows.”

 

He beamed at Octavia, Clarke’s heart practically skipping a beat for her friend. Atom looked at her like she was the only person in the entire room - the entire world. 

 

“For you Tavia, I have one last small present. I know you said that we weren’t doing gifts, but I couldn’t help myself.” Atom said, handing her a small box. “I know how much Bellamy means to you, and that you hate not seeing him all the time, so.. This is a way to keep him close to you, tomorrow, and always.”

 

Octavia unwrapped it eagerly, opening the box. Her eyes welled up with tears as she looked at what was contained within, giving Atom a watery smile. “Atom.. Its beautiful.” She lifted a necklace out of the box, a beautifully ornate locket with the letters “O” and “B” inscribed on it. 

 

Inside was two pictures of the siblings - one of them as children, Bellamy smiling gap toothily at the camera, a tiny Octavia wrapped around his shoulders. The other one was more recent, of the two of them at Octavia’s graduation from college.

 

“Bell, will you do the honours?” Octavia said, holding the necklace out to her brother. Bellamy nodded, scraping back his chair and moving over to his sister, easing the clasp shut.

 

Octavia looked at the necklace for a second before she stood up, kissing Atom softly. “Well, thank you for showing me up completely the night before our wedding Atom, you’ll live to regret that.” She joked, allowing for the laughter to fade before she continued. “I love the necklace Atom, its incredible. Its incredible how you know me so well, considering we haven’t been together as long as maybe other couples have. The moment I met you, I knew you were going to change my life - it was love at first sight, it was. So thank you for being so wonderful.”

 

She turned to the room. “I have to say a massive thank you to my wonderful bridal party - to Clarke, who’s been helping me plan a wedding completely via Skype, seeing as she is in Boston for medical school, and I’m all the way across the country in LA. If we thought keeping in touch when she was in Boston and I was at school in Washington was bad, organising a wedding when we’re in different timezones has been an experience. Another huge thank you goes to Raven, who has been instrumental in keeping both myself and Clarke calm, and vetoing the horrendous pink bridesmaids dresses I was convinced were perfect. And thank you to Harper, and Amy - the final two puzzle pieces of our wonderful bridal party. I couldn’t have done this without you.”

 

“I don’t have much family myself - biological, at least. Bellamy has been brother and dad rolled into one my whole life, and I am so grateful to you for not killing Atom where he stood when I told him we were getting married.” Octavia said. “I am so thankful for the family I made for myself out of the greatest friends on the planet - Jasper, Monty, Raven, Clarke, Finn, you’re all so wonderful and I can’t describe the love I have for you all. And Atom’s family - I know it wasn’t easy to accept your baby boy marrying a girl he’s known for less than a year, but I am so grateful for your acceptance of our relationship, and for accepting me. Thank you for taking me into your family, and treating me like another daughter from day one. I’m so glad you’re out here celebrating with us, and experiencing the wonderful town I grew up in. If you’re going to have a taste of small town Virginia, the place place to get it is Bowman.”

 

“Hear hear.’ Monty said, grinning as he raised a glass to Octavia’s words.

 

“I hope - _we_ hope you all have the most amazing weekend.” Octavia said. “Now - lets eat!”

 

Clarke clapped loudly as the speeches wrapped up, excited for the meal. She was absolutely starving - all they’d had in Octavia’s house was chocolate and wine, and she was in dire need of some real food.

 

“Hungry?” Bellamy laughed as Clarke tucked into the bread basket in front of them.

 

“Starving. I love Tavia to bits, but she didn’t have any food in your moms house.” Clarke said, pausing in her attack of the bread for a second. Seeing him after their last conversation felt weird, and beyond words sort of strange. 

 

She forced herself to be normal, and not think of all the things they’d said to each other back in that hospital room in Boston. “How are you? I haven’t seen you since you were in Boston. How did rehab go?”

 

“It was as bad as I imagined.” Bellamy grimaced. She could see he looked relieved at her attempt to act completely normal, and he mimicked her actions. “But, I’m getting used to having a this prosthetic leg. Its actually going to be my new party piece, whipping my leg off and using it as a flag.”

 

Clarke couldn’t help herself, snorting loudly at his joke. It was going OK so far, wasn’t it? “Its good to know loosing your leg hasn’t changed you in the slightest.”

 

“Aside from my new plastic limb.”

 

“Aside from that.” 

 

“I see you took my advice.” Bellamy said, nodding toward Finn.

 

“What?” Clarke suddenly felt terrified. How did he _know_? Had Octavia told him she and Finn were engaged?

 

“You guys are dating, right? Octavia mentioned it to me.”

 

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.” Clarke said. “Yeah. we’ve been together nearly three years now.”

 

“Thats fantastic Clarke, I’m really happy for you.” 

 

“Thanks Bellamy.” Clarke said. “How are things with you? Are you back in the army?”

 

“Yeah, I am.” Bellamy confirmed, knocking back a sip of his drink. “It was hell, trying to get back in shape to serve again, but I got there.”

 

‘Thats good.”

 

“The army is my life Clarke. Just like medicine is yours.”

 

“I’m not trying to argue with you.” Clarke said. “I’m tired of arguing with you. Tired of not being able to call you my friend.”

 

“Tired.” Bellamy repeated. “Yeah, thats a pretty accurate description of how I feel.”

 

“I wish - I wish that we could just be friends, you know? I don’t want us to end up fighting, or having these big emotional goodbyes every time we see each other. I wish we could just… I don’t know.”

 

“Yeah, no - I get that Clarke.” Bellamy said. “I guess we’ll just have to pretend like we’re friends and someday we will be.”

 

Clarke didn’t say anything for a second. “So. See any good movies lately?”

 

Bellamy laughed. “I’m not really into movies.”

 

“I forgot that you were absolutely insane.” Clarke shook her head. “How do you not like movies? Movies are just.. They;re the best form of escapism.”

 

“I’ve just always preferred books.” 

 

“I mean, I love books as much as anyone else, but movies are just something else entirely. Being able to sit back, and turn your brain off for a couple of hours and just enjoy an amazing story.” 

 

“Clarke, your favourite type of films are romantic comedies. Those are not what I’d call amazing films.”

 

“And that is because you do not have a romantic bone in your body, Bellamy Blake.” Clarke teased. 

 

Bellamy knocked back the last of his drink. “Yeah, romance was always your thing, princess.”

 

Clarke snorted. “I don’t think what my eighteen year old self thought was romantic, was _actually_ romance. _”_

 

“Hey, it felt a lot like romance to me.” Bellamy shrugged, turning to a waiter. “Can I have another whiskey please?”

 

“You’re hitting the hard stuff.” Clarke commented.

 

“I’m just back from deployment Clarke, I’ve really fucking missed alcohol.” 

 

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh. “Fair enough.”

 

“So. You and Finn.” Bellamy returned to their earlier topic of conversation. “You happy?”

 

“Yeah. I am.”

 

“Thats good. Moving on is good.”

 

“Are you dating again then?” Clarke inquired. “Sorry. Thats a weird thing for me to ask, isn’t it?”

 

“I am. Dating again I mean.” 

 

“That good.” Clarke said, forcing a smile. “Thats good Bellamy, I’m happy for you. I’m happy life is working out for you.”

 

“You too Clarke.” Bellamy said. “You’re nearly finished med school, right?”

 

“Yeah.” Clarke nodded. “Eight years in education coming to an end.”

 

“I can’t believe its been eight years since you started at Harvard.” Bellamy shook his head. “Crazy how fast time goes, right?”

 

“Its absolutely insane.” Clarke said. “And now Octavia is getting married.”

 

Bellamy let out a shaky breath. “Yeah. I’m still wrapping my head around that.”

 

“She’s happy.” Clarke said simply. “All you need is love, right?”

 

“Its just hard to accept theres someone in the world who loves Octavia more than I do now.”

 

“Maybe not more.” Clarke said thoughtfully. “Just, differently.”

 

“So, so differently. So differently.” 

 

Clarke laughed. “I’m glad we’re OK Bellamy. That we can still sit and talk, and be normal.”

 

“Whatever happens Clarke, whatever has happened between us - we’ll always be family.” Bellamy said. “Thats how it is with us - all of us.”

 

“Its good to know I’ll always have family out there.” Clarke said, smiling at him, before turning her attention to her food. The main course had arrived, and she still felt absolutely ravenous, even after the starter. “I’m going to demolish this.” She announced.

 

“And while you do that, I’m going to get super drunk and pretend like my baby sister isn’t getting married and leaving me forever tomorrow.”

 

* * *

 

The wedding was beautiful, just like Clarke had expected it to be. The church had been full to bursting with flowers, and Octavia had made everyone gasp and hold their breath when she had walked down the aisle, Bellamy somehow managing to make a seamless transition from walking her down the aisle, to standing beside Atom as his best man.

 

Clarke couldn’t do anything except smile as she watched the woman she had considered a sister for most of her life get married. Octavia was _radiating_ happiness, and well - that was the most important thing, wasn’t it?

 

She was happy.

 

Clarke could see in Bellamy’s eyes how hard it was for him to watch his baby sister get married. She’d been his whole world for most of their lives, and now, in her own way, she was moving on - moving away from Bowman, and away from him.

 

She offered him an encouraging smile halfway through the ceremony in an attempt to ease his all too obvious jitters.

 

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.”

 

Clarke clapped along with everyone else in the church as Octavia and Atom kissed, rolling her eyes as Miller let out the most outrageous whoop from halfway down the church, making everyone laugh.

 

Her feet ached from standing around, taking pictures by time they made it to the reception, and Clarke was almost willing to sell her car for a sandwich, her stomach rumbling as the speeches began.

 

Atoms father gave a nice speech, praising his son and welcoming Octavia into their family, and Clarke’s heart ached as she watched, knowing her own father could never do the same. It was selfish, to be thinking of herself and her own wedding while sitting at the top table of her best friends wedding, but Clarke knew she was at least a little selfish.

 

“I - I’ve never been too good with words.” Bellamy admitted as he stood up, crumpled sheet of paper in hand. “I tried writing this speech pretty much every day since Octavia told me she was getting married, and it still doesn’t feel right, so uh - bare with me on this one.”

 

“Growing up, it was always me and Octavia. When she was born, my mom told me that she was going to be my responsibility. We don’t have a dad, so five year old me took on the role of dad, and brother all at once, and its a role I’ve always been so proud to play.” Bellamy said. “I am so proud of you O, and everything that you’ve achieved in your life. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.”

 

“I know I probably wasn’t the most supportive when you told me that you were getting married, but thats only because the thought of having to let you go absolutely kills me. The idea of some boy coming into your life and taking you away always scared me, because I pretty much never trusted any boy around you except me - or Mr Griffin.”

 

Bellamy paused. “But, you Skyped me once night during my deployment, and you dragged the most nervous looking guy I’ve ever seen on screen, and you demanded that I actually talk to your future husband, and just like that you told me what to do - again. Its a habit of yours I’d love you to break by the way.”

 

Octavia stuck her tongue out at her brother.

 

“Since I’ve actually started getting to know Atom, and stopped planning ways to make him disappear, I’ve realised something - I’ve realised that he loves you as much as I do, and he’d do absolutely anything to protect you. So, O - I hope you and Atom have an incredible life together, and come back to Bowman every once and a while to see your idiot brother, yeah?”

 

Bellamy hugged Octavia tightly, Octavia’s eyes filled with tears she hastily wiped away as Clarke stood up, ready to make her speech.

 

“Well, Bellamy - you say you’re not good with words, but you just made my speech look like complete and utter crap, so thanks for that.” Clarke joked. “In case you don’t know me - which is incredibly unlikely seeing as pretty much everyone who has ever lived in Bowman is here tonight - my name is Clarke, and I am the maid of honour. I’m also the person about to give a completely terrible, soppy speech - so, you’ve been warned.”

 

“Octavia - you have been my best friend for as long as I can remember. You have been there for me through everything - breakups, and boy troubles, and when I lost my dad. You are my rock, and just a complete star of a human being. You are so kind, and amazing - and a genuinely beautiful soul. You are one of the only people in this universe who can convince me to do just about anything, so thank you for _mostly_ using that power for good for the past twenty seven or so years.” Clarke teasing, making Octavia laugh. “I am so grateful to have you in my life, and I love you to pieces. Because of that, I would never accept anyone less than _perfect_ for you, and seeing you with Atom - I know you’ve found that perfect person. Today, you look the happiest I have ever seen you, and I know you are about to embark on the most amazing life, with your lovely new husband.”

 

“I wish you two nothing but happiness for the rest of your lives. God knows Tavia, you deserve a lot of happiness for putting up with my for your whole life.” Clarke paused for a second, reaching the end of what she had prepared. “Finding the love of your life isn’t easy, for anyone. It can be really hard, and it can be really lonely - but I know that you’ve finished that journey, and you couldn’t have found anyone better than Atom. I know we don’t know each other very well Atom, but Octavia has good taste, and I know that she wouldn’t marry anyone who didn’t love her as much as her family here in Bowman does - more, even. So Octavia and Atom - good luck with the next leg of your journey together, and I hope you have an amazing life together. You deserve it.”

 

Clarke raised her glass. “To Octavia and Atom.”

 

“To Octavia and Atom!”

 

Clarke sat back down, gulping down her champagne. 

 

“That was beautiful Clarkey.” Octavia said, squeezing her hand tightly. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too Tavia.” Clarke said, half breathing a sigh of relief as the food arrived. 

 

The dinner passed without much event, Clarke spending most of it laughing and joking with Raven, the two women knocking back champagne and overindulging in the spectacular dinner Atom’s parents had insisted they pay for.

 

“This dessert is so good.” Raven said, stuffing another fork loaded with chocolate cake into her mouth. “I’m going to end up bursting out of this dress and I don’t even give a fuck. This is better than sex.”

 

“Well, chocolate releases the same endorphins..”

 

“Who the fuck needs a man, right?” Raven grinned.

 

“It’d make for a hassle free life.” Clarke joked. “I’m going to go and get some fresh air before they make us dance.”

 

“Roll Clarke.” Raven corrected. “I will be rolling around the dance floor, not dancing.”

 

Clarke laughed, grabbing her purse before she headed for the exit, grateful for the blast of cold air that hit her as she stepped outside. Checking her phone for messages before stuffing it back in her purse, Clarke leaned against the wall and willed the insane amount of food in her stomach to digest so she could move when they were called to the dance floor.

 

“Hey, Clarkey. Mind if i join you?”

 

Clarke looked up to see Jasper standing next to her, hands stuffed deep in his pockets. “Hey, Jas. You doing OK?”

 

“As well as you’d expect.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Clarke said. “This can’t be an easy day for you.”

 

Jasper shrugged. “Octavia loves him Clarke, more than she ever loved me. I want her to be happy, more than anything else.”

 

“Still.” Clarke said, wrapping an arm around him. “It can’t be easy for you.”

 

“She said I didn’t have to come today. That she would understand if I didn't - but Octavia was my friend long before she was ever anything else to me, so… I’ll get over it.” Jasper offered her a weak smile.

 

“I’m proud of you.” Clarke said. “Really, I am. Today has to suck for you, so I’m proud of you for getting through it without breaking someday.”

 

“The nights not over yet.” Jasper joked. “So you next then Clarke? Can we be expecting a Griffin-Collins wedding anytime soon?”

 

“Do I look like the marrying type, Jasper Jordan?” Clarke said, nudging him in the ribs. “I better get back inside before they make us all dance. Come talk to me if you need me tonight, alright?”

 

“You got it Clarkey.”

 

Clarke nodded, and she headed back into the wedding reception, just in time for the DJ to call the rest of the wedding party to dance with Octavia and Atom. She set her purse down on the top table, laughing as Bellamy awkwardly held out a hand.

 

“It’ll be over soon, right?” He grimaced.

 

“Good to see you still absolutely hate dancing.” Clarke said, resting a hand on his shoulder. It felt strange beyond words to be dancing with him, and she tried to ignore the overwhelming surge of memories that came flooding back as they swayed to the music.

 

“I don’t hate dancing. I hate dancing in front of other people.” Bellamy took her other hand in his own, and suddenly froze.

 

“Try not to have a seizure Bellamy, its just dancing.” Clarke laughed at his expression. 

 

Bellamy didn’t say anything, instead moving so that he was only one of her hands in both of his. Before she realised what he was doing, her engagement ring was twisted around the right way, and Bellamy was looking at her expectantly.

 

“I wanted to tell you.” Clarke said shakily. “Just… I didn’t want to take away from Octavia’s wedding day.”

 

“Well, congratulations Clarke.” Bellamy said, dropping her hand as if it was burning hot. “I’m sure you’re going to be very happy together.”

 

“You told me to move on.” Clarke said hoarsely. 

 

“What makes you think I’m not being sincere?” Bellamy said, the song coming to an end. “Enjoy your night.”

 

With that, he walked away, leaving Clarke standing in the middle of the dance floor, feeling completely overwhelmed. The world felt like it was spinning, and she was certain she hadn’t had enough champagne for that to be happening.

 

Trying to keep calm, Clarke turned on her heel and left the dance floor, heading straight for the bathrooms. She had barely gotten inside the door before a sob escaped her lips, racking through her entire body as she leaned against the sinks.

 

“Clarke?” 

 

Clarke whirled around to see Raven, who’d clearly seen something was wrong - like she always did. “I’m f-fine.”

 

“You’re not.” Raven said, crossing the room in a few short steps, grabbing a handful of tissues as she did so. “So talk to me.”

 

“Bellamy found out.” Clarke said, halfheartedly waving her ring at Raven.

 

“He wasn’t happy?”

 

“He pretended like he was.” Clarke said, taking a shaky breath in an attempt to stop her tears. 

 

“And you’re crying about it?”

 

“I - what?”

 

“Real talk here Clarke.” Raven said, gently wiping away her tears. “Telling Bellamy was never going to be easy, but you definitely shouldn’t be sobbing your heart out about it. Finn told me you two were engaged.”

 

“He did?”

 

“He knew it had to come from him.” Raven said. “I’m not telling you this so you’ll get pissed with him for going behind your back, I’m telling you this because Finn was the most excited I’ve seen him in years when he told me that you were getting married.”

 

She paused to grab another tissue, wiping away the rivers of mascara from Clarke’s cheeks. “You hid it from Bellamy, and pretty much had a meltdown when he found out. Does that feel normal to you Clarke?”

 

Clarke stayed silent.

 

“You should be shouting from the rooftops that you’re getting married, not crying in the bathrooms because your ex-boyfriend didn’t react so well to the news. That shouldn’t even matter to you anymore, its been eight years since you broke up.” Raven said, grabbing a compact from her purse, attempting to fix Clarke’s makeup while she spoke. “I’m not trying to be an asshole here Clarke, but I don’t want to see Finn - or you for that matter - get hurt. You have to really want this.”

 

“I do want this. I want to marry Finn.”

 

“Then stop crying about Bellamy Blake.” Raven said. “Because honestly Clarke, I’m starting to think that you’re still in love with him.”

 

Clarke’s heart stopped at Raven’s words. “I’m not - I’m not in love with him anymore.”

 

“You don’t need to convince me.” Raven said. “I just want to make sure you’re making the right choice Clarke. Don’t marry someone for the sake of marrying them. It wouldn’t be fair on you, or Finn.”

 

“I want to marry Finn.” Clarke said, trying to sound as forceful as someone sitting on bathroom sink bawling their eyes out could. 

 

“Then stop letting Bellamy Blake control how you feel.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year guys, i hope you have a wonderful 2015! i was hoping to have this fic done before 2014 was out, but sure, we're getting there.
> 
> only a few more chapters left, so i hope you enjoyed and thank you for all your support as always!


	10. nine years on

August had always been her dream time to get married. August in Virginia had always been her favourite time of year - it was always warm, and dry and toward the end of the month, the sticky heat that lingered all throughout June and July seemed to disappear, leaving behind beautifully crisp summery weather.

 

So, August it had been.

 

August 11th, to be exact. They hadn’t been able to get a date at the end of the month, it was an insanely busy time for weddings and if they’d waited another year, maybe, but Clarke didn’t want to wait another year to get married.

 

After Octavia’s wedding, Clarke had launched herself into planning her and Finn’s wedding, in between final exams and assignments and hauling herself through the final few months of medical school.

 

It was the 8th now, and the countdown was officially on. In three days, she was going to be a married woman.

 

Her wedding dress was hung on her wardrobe door, the bridesmaids dresses littered around the room. Octavia was flying into Richmond that evening with Atom, Raven had already arrived back in Bowman, and Jasper and Monty were an hour or so out, if Jasper’s excited snapchats were anything to go by.

 

All her friends were coming back to Bowman to celebrate her and Finn’s wedding, and Clarke knew she should be bouncing off the walls with excitement. She was about to get married to the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with, she should **definitely** be more excited than she was.

 

Clarke was excited, _obviously_ , but there was a lingering apprehension at the back of her mind as she sat on her bed, looking at the wedding paraphernalia hung around her childhood bedroom.

 

“Clarke?”

 

Clarke looked up to see her mother standing in the doorway. Their relationship had been strained since Jake had died, and Clarke had never made any real attempt to fix it. She’d stayed away from Bowman, and the house she’d grown up in - and she’d kept Abby out of her life.

 

“Can I come in?” Abby asked, her voice soft. 

 

Clarke found herself nodding, the bright look flashing across her mom’s face not escaping her attention.

 

“I can’t believe you’re getting married in a few days.” Abby said, tentatively sitting down next to her. “All grown up.”

 

There was a pause.

 

“Your dad would be so proud of you.” 

 

Clarke felt tears well up in her eyes. “I miss him, mom.”

 

“I miss him too.” Abby sighed. “I know - I know you hate me, and you hate me for what I did, but I want you to know how much I love you Clarke. You are the most important thing in my life, and I’m never going to stop hoping that you’ll forgive me someday.”

 

Clarke didn’t quite look at her mom. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did, when you turned off the life support.”

 

“Clarke, you were loosing your dad, I don’t blame you -“

 

“Let me talk mom.” Clarke said, shifting to face Abby properly. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I was devastated - but I know you did the right thing. Dad would have hated us if we’d left him waste away in that hospital bed.”

 

Clarke tucked her hair behind her ears shakily, her fingers catching in the knots she’d been too tired to brush out that morning. “I do forgive you mom. God, I just wanted someone to blame for dad being dead - I don’t know if I ever really hated you. I was angry, I just needed someone to blame.” She repeated.

 

Abby gave her hand a comforting squeeze.

 

“Can you ever forgive me?” 

 

“Clarke, sweetheart.” Abby took her face in her hands gently. “You never, _ever_ have to ask for my forgiveness.”

 

“I love you mom.” Clarke wrapped her arms around her mom tightly, burrowing her face in her shoulder. It felt good to be hugging her mom again. She hadn’t realised how much she had missed her mom in the achingly long time she’d kept Abby at arms length - or maybe Clarke had realised and just hadn’t let herself acknowledge it.

 

Now she **had** , Clarke realised just how absolutely lonely she’d been without Abby at the other end of a phone constantly the past couple of years.

 

“I love you Clarke.” Abby said, kissing the top of her head. “So, so much.”

 

Clarke pulled away from her mom, blinking away the tears that were in her eyes. “Will you walk me down the aisle?” She blurted. “If I can’t have dad there… I want it to be you.”

 

‘“I would be honoured to Clarke.” Abby said, trying to blink away her own tears. “I can’t believe my baby girl is getting married in three days.”

 

“Its crazy.” Clarke agreed.

 

“And to _Finn Collins._ Who’d have thought it?” 

 

Clarke felt her throat tighten. “Yeah.”

 

“Are you OK?”

 

Silence.

 

“Clarke honey?”

 

Clarke stood up, tugging at the sleeves of her light cardigan. “I’m going to go for a drive.”

 

“Clarke - is everything OK? You can talk to me, you know that.”

 

“I know.” Clarke nodded. “I need to go and clear my head though - honestly, mom, I’m fine. I just need some air and some time to myself. You know?”

 

Abby nodded. “Of course.”

 

“If Octavia comes by, just tell her I needed to get away from it all for an hour. I’ll be back before dinner.” Clarke said, and grabbed her car keys, heading out the door of her bedroom. She barely listened to Abby’s reply as she walked away, her mind somewhere else entirely.

 

That lingering apprehension in the back of her mind was getting worse, and Clarke needed to be somewhere else, somewhere there wasn’t wedding dresses and wedding flowers and just general wedding _stuff._

 

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to marry Finn - Clarke did, she did want to get married - she was just _scared_. 

 

Of what, she wasn’t too sure.

 

Clarke sat behind the wheel of her car, turning on the engine and driving as if on autopilot. If there was anywhere in the entire town of Bowman she could think, it was the lake, and the fifteen minute drive out of town seemed to last a lifetime.

 

She drove into the carpark and pulled into a space, parking her car carelessly. 

 

Clarke felt almost _relieved_ when she got out of her car, the warm evening air blasting her in the face as she started to walk along the trail toward the lake. It had stayed the same since she was a kid - the overgrown path, the trees hanging over the trail, the gentle sound of water lapping against the shore audible even from the beginning of the path.

 

Her dad used to take her up to the lake all the time. Half of her childhood summers were spent at the lake, learning to swim, wandering through the forest, having picnic’s on the shore with Jake.. It was always peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Clarke remembered fondly, and lemonade. 

 

Jake was exactly who she needed right then. She could practically hear her dad’s voice again, and she longed for his advice. 

 

He always gave the best advice.

 

Clarke reached the lake, the water unusually quiet. 

 

It was nine o’clock at night, she supposed. Most people were back at home with their families.

 

Yanking her cardigan off, Clarke tossed it aside, her sneakers and cellphone joining it a few seconds later. The water looked so calm, and inviting - Clarke didn’t even care that she was fully dressed as she waded in, clad in her jean shorts and a t-shirt.

 

Closing her eyes, Clarke ducked under the surface, letting the cool water wash over her head, the sounds of the world disappearing, replaced with the distinctive quiet that came with being under water.

 

She couldn’t think, even then.

 

Clarke had always found solace in the lake, but her mind was still whirling as she stayed under the water, her lungs burning the longer she stayed under.

 

Eventually she broke the surface, gasping for air.

 

“Trying to drown yourself princess? You know, theres better ways of getting out of getting married.”

 

Clarke squinted at the shore. “Very funny Bellamy.”

 

“I’m a constant source of entertainment, I know.” Bellamy said. He was standing on the shore, arms folded across his chest as he watched her carefully. “You OK?”

 

“Why do you care?”

 

“Don’t be stupid Clarke, I obviously care.”

 

“What are you doing here Bellamy?” 

 

“Octavia asked me to drop something over to your house, and your mom seemed worried about you.”

 

“How did you know where to find me?”

 

“Because you always come here when you need to think, and your mom said that _you_ said to tell Octavia you needed to clear your head.” Bellamy responded. “Are you going to get out of the water or am I going to have to come in and get you?”

 

Clarke stayed silent.

 

“For _fuckssake_ Clarke.” Bellamy looked exasperated. “If I have to take my goddamn leg off to swim out and pull you to shore, I’m not going to be happy.”

 

“I’m coming.” Clarke said, and she started to wade to shore. Her clothes were clinging uncomfortably to her as she got out of the water, the wet denim material of her shorts scratching roughly against her skin.

 

She stood in front of Bellamy, crossing her arms across her chest as they stared each other down.

 

“Talk to me, Clarke.”

 

“Theres nothing to talk about.” Clarke huffed.

 

“And thats why you’re trying to drown yourself in the lake?”

 

“I wasn’t trying to drown myself, you idiot.” Clarke said, flopping down onto the sand. “I just needed to get away from it all.”

 

“It all being your wedding?”

 

“I **want** to get married.”

 

Bellamy eased himself down into the sand next to her, the dog-tags hanging around his neck glinting in the watery sunlight of the evening. “I’m not saying that you don’t want to get married Clarke, but theres obviously something wrong. People generally don’t decide to take swims fully clothed at… Nine fifteen at night.”

 

Clarke looked at him carefully. “Isn’t this weird for us to be talking about?”

 

Bellamy shook his head. “I think you need a friend right now, and I can put the past behind and focus on actually helping you.”

 

Clarke didn’t say anything for a minute or two.

 

“I should be excited, shouldn’t I? I mean, I’m excited, but I’m not as excited as Tavia was before she married Atom.” Clarke said. “I should be.. I should be bouncing off the walls and counting the seconds until I get married.”

 

“Marriage is a _big_ thing Clarke, its normal to be apprehensive about it.”

 

“Its supposed to be the easiest decision you **ever** make.”

 

“You believe that?”

 

Clarke nodded. “I do.”

 

“I think…” Bellamy trailed off. “I think you’re letting something put you off being excited.”

 

“How do you know me this well, even now? After all this time?”  


“I’m right then?”

 

“I’m worried.” Clarke admitted. “I’m worried because Finn and I… Its not all butterflies, and tummy flips. Its nice, and its stable, and I _know_ he loves me.”

 

“Thats not enough?”

 

“Is it bad to want to be excited by a relationship?” Clarke said. “Is it bad to want to feel that way about the person you’re about to marry?”

 

“Do you love him?”

 

“Of course I do.”

 

“Then that should be enough.” Bellamy said. “Clarke, not everything in life is exciting. Its _great_ to be excited by someone, but when it comes down to it, you need someone who’s going to be there for you when shit happens, when things go wrong. This real life, not a movie. You don’t get to have both.”

 

“We had both.”

 

Bellamy sighed. “We can’t live in the past, Clarke.”

 

“I’m not living in the past, I’m making an observation. We had both.” Clarke said. “You were stable, and you were always there for me, no matter what - but it was _always_ exciting.”

 

“We were teenagers.”

 

“So teenagers are the only people who can have that kind of relationship?” Clarke said. “Out of everything in this world Bell, love should not feel _mediocre_.”

 

“Your relationship with Finn is mediocre?” Bellamy raised an eyebrow.

 

Clarke shook her head. “I don’t - I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel about anything right now. I just know that I’m scared.”

 

“Scared of what?”

 

“That I’ll marry Finn, and ten years down the line, I’ll be doing something completely normal - like the grocery shopping, or the laundry - and it will suddenly hit me that I’m not over _you_.” 

 

“ _What?_ ”

 

“You seem to follow me everywhere - at Harvard, in Boston, even when I’m back here. It feels like theres no escaping what we used to have. I’m scared that it is **always** going to be you and me, and we fucked it up beyond repair, and I’m scared that I will never be able to escape _us_.” Clarke ran a hand through her sopping wet hair. “I’m scared I’ll never feel the way I did with you again.”

 

“I… I feel that way sometimes.” Bellamy said. “But what if we only felt that way because we were first loves? What if thats just how it feels the first time, and we’re sitting here, nine years later, clinging to something we’ll never have again, not with anyone else - or each other.”

 

“Isn’t what we had something worth looking for again?”

 

“I don’t know Clarke. Maybe we’re looking back with rose tinted glasses.”

 

“You believe that?”

 

“I believe that you’re getting married to someone who loves the hell out of you in three days time, and that you’re going to have a good life together.”’ Bellamy looked at her carefully. “Look, Clarke, all I’m going to say is that you need to make the best decision for you, whatever that decision is - but don’t make it based off some guy you dated nine years ago.”

 

“I think I’ve got some thinking to do.” Clarke admitted, twisting her ring around her finger. “I do love him.”

 

“Then your answer should be simple.”

 

Clarke gave him a sad smile. “If only life was that simple.”

 

“When it comes to love Clarke, it should be simple - shouldn’t it?”

_____________________

 

Clarke felt like she was going to puke as she stood outside Finn’s parents house, pacing the porch nervously. She hadn’t rang the bell yet - every single time she tried to lift her hand to do it, Clarke felt as if she was going to have a heart attack.

 

It was the day before the wedding, but Clarke felt as though she was facing down the barrel of her own execution.

 

Forcing herself to rap loudly on the door, Clarke stood back and waited, her heart in her mouth.

 

After she’d gotten back from the lake, Clarke had stayed awake practically all night, thinking and overthinking and trying to untangle the mess of feelings that were clogging up her brain and making it impossible to think. 

 

That process had repeated for the day after, and the day after that…. All leading up to her standing on Finn’s doorstep, less than a day before their wedding, mere hours before the rehearsal dinner. She was dressed for it already, her hair teased into place by an over-zealous Octavia, her make-up carefully applied.

 

“Hey, Clarke.” Finn looked surprised. His hair was soaking wet and clung to his forehead, his feet bare as he stood in the doorway.“What are you doing here? I thought Octavia and Raven would have had you well and truly trapped in their clutches by now.” He joked.

 

“We need to talk.” Clarke blurted.

 

“That sounds ominous.” Finn said, pulling the door shut behind him. “Is everything OK?”

 

“Can we - can we sit down?” Clarke said, spotting the rickety old bench that stood on the front porch of the Collin’s household.

 

“You’re scaring me Clarke.” Finn said, letting Clarke tug on his hand and lead him over to the seat. 

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” Clarke said. “This is just hard for me to try and put into words.”

 

“Are you having second thoughts about the wedding? Clarke, we can push it back, wait a little longer - anything you want.” Finn said, catching both of her hands in his own. “Just, tell me, and we’ll do it.”

 

Clarke looked at him, her expression sad. “Finn, I’m so sorry -“

 

“You don’t want to marry me at all, do you?” Finn interrupted.

 

“It doesn’t feel right.” Clarke said quietly.

 

“It feels right to me Clarke. It always has.” Finn said. “I thought you felt the same. What’s changed?”  


“Marriage is supposed to be a simple decision when its the love of your life - I’m supposed to be walking on air until we get married, and I feel - I feel like I’m _drowning_.” Clarke said. “I can’t breathe, I can’t think - I know in my heart that this isn't the right decision, not for me, not for you.”

 

“Don’t tell me how to feel.“

 

“I’m not trying to.” Clarke said, squeezing his hands. “Finn, you are an incredible person. You are kind, you are sweet, you are beyond _wonderful_. You are going to make a very lucky girl incredibly happy someday - but that girl isn’t me.”

 

“You don’t need to feed me bullshit lines from every romance film you’d ever seen Clarke, its fine, I get it. You don’t love me.”

 

“But I do Finn, I **do** love you.” Clarke said. “I am so grateful for the amazing few years we’ve had together - I’m grateful for how much you loved me and how good you were to me, but Finn, it wouldn’t be fair on either of us if we got married tomorrow with me having all of these doubts and worries.”

 

“Can’t we work through your doubts? Figure it out together?” Finn pleaded. “Clarke, you and I can do anything together.”

 

“I know we can.” Clarke said, running a gentle hand across his cheek, tucking his messy hair behind his ears. “We’re good together Finn, we really are - but I want more than good.”

 

“I’d do anything for you Clarke. Give you anything.”

 

“Thats why this is so hard for me to do Finn. You’re too good for me.” Clarke said. “You are, you’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you. But there are too many things in life that are just good, just OK, and love shouldn’t be one of them. I love you, but not as much as I should. Not enough to marry you tomorrow.”

 

Finn’s eyes welled with tears as he looked at her. “How long have you felt like that about our relationship? How long has it just been _OK_ to you?”

 

“A few weeks I guess. A few months.” Clarke admitted, hating that she was the reason for the heartbroken expression on his face. “I should never have let it go on this long, I know that. I don’t expect you to forgive me - ever, really - but I couldn’t live with myself if I let this wedding happen. I’d be condemning you to a marriage far less passionate, and amazing than the one you deserve.”

 

“I don’t know what to say Clarke.”

 

“You don’t need to say anything. You don’t ever need to speak to me again, honestly - I’d understand if you didn’t want to.” Clarke said. “I am really, _truly_ sorry Finn. I never meant to hurt you - I know that doesn’t mean anything because I have, I have hurt you - but it was never my intention.”

 

Finn stayed silent.

 

“I can tell everyone at the rehearsal dinner that the wedding is off, if you’d rather not go.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Clarke nodded. “I am sorry Finn. I’m sorry about today, about everything. I really am.” She turned to walk away, before Finn spoke up.

 

“Was I always your second choice?” He asked, not quite looking at her. “You and Bellamy couldn’t make it work, so you picked me?”

  
“No.” Clarke said, her voice forceful. “You were not my second choice - you weren’t a backup plan when Bellamy and I didn’t fix things. Bellamy and I are in the past, and I don’t make my decisions based on an nine year old break up.”

 

“It feels a lot like I was your second choice Clarke.”

 

“I know you have no reason to believe me, but I’m not lying to you Finn - you’re weren’t my second choice. You were a surprise to me.” Clarke said. “You were completely unexpected, but you weren’t my second choice. Don’t _ever_ think that.”

 

“I don’t know what to think right now Clarke, I’m going to need time to think about all this.’ Finngestured wildly. “I don’t understand how you went from wanting to marry me to admitting your relationship was only OK in a matter of _days_.”

 

“It was longer than a few days Finn, I was just too much of a coward to say it - too scared to admit to myself that this wedding wasn’t right for me, for either of us.” Clarke said. “The more I’m talking, the more it sounds like I’m making excuses for myself - there’s no excuse for what I’ve done Finn, and all I can do is apologise. I really am sorry.”

 

“Sorry doesn’t mean much to me right now Clarke.” Finn said. “I thought you were the love of my life. I thought you felt the same.”

 

“If I could turn back time and change all this Finn, tell you how I felt earlier - I would.”

 

“But you can’t Clarke - you can’t fix this.”

 

“I know.” Clarke said. “I know I can’t fix this, but I know I’m doing the right thing. That’s whats keeping me going right now.”

 

“I might believe that someday.” Finn said. “But I need to be alone right now.”

 

Clarke nodded. “I’ll go. But Finn?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I want you to be happy.”

 

“I want you to be happy too Clarke - so when you finally figure out whatever the hell actually makes you happy, hold onto it.”

 

“Yeah, I’ve got some soul searching to do.”

 

“Maybe do it on your own this time, and don’t string another guy like me along while you’re doing it and make him fall completely in love with you.” 

 

He had slammed his way back into his parents house before she could reply.

 

_I deserved that_.

 

_____________________

 

Clarke was good under pressure. She thrived in stressful situations - it was part of why she wanted to be a doctor, she was good in emergencies, she could function when she was stressed.

 

Normally, at least.

 

Today was a different story. Clarke was sitting in her car, across the street from where the rehearsal dinner was supposed to be happening. 

 

In fifteen minutes.

 

Clarke shut her engine off, and got out of the car, nervously tucking her hair behind her ears as she crossed the quiet street, entering the restaurant. Everyone was there already, talking quietly and drinking champagne.

 

“I was wondering when the bride and groom were going to arrive!” Raven said, teasingly. “Uh, Clarke? You’re missing your groom.” 

 

“And the dress I bought for you!” Octavia exclaimed. “Honestly Clarke, are you going to get married in those ratty old jeans?”

 

Clarke looked around the room, trying to swallow her nerves. “I’m glad you’re all here.” She began, picking at a loose thread in her jeans. 

 

“Clarke, is there something wrong?” Raven said, putting a gentle hand on Clarke’s arm.

 

“This hasn’t been a easy decision for us to make,” Clarke began. “But Finn and I have decided to call the wedding off.”

 

“What? Clarke? What is going on?” Octavia looked absolutely baffled, a similar expression on the rest of the guests faces.

 

“This wasn’t right.” Clarke said quietly. “Marriage, it just - we just weren’t ready for it. I’m really sorry for causing this much hassle everyone, I know a lot of you have come a long way for this wedding. If there’s anything I can do to help get you guys home, or pay to change your flights, just let me know. Feel free to stay and enjoy all this food, it’s paid for already. I really am sorry.” 

 

She averted her gaze from the inquisitive eyes of the room, trying to work up the confidence to leave. 

 

Clarke wanted to _run_.

 

Wells pushed his way through the crowd. “Clarke, what’s wrong?” He said quietly. “Talk to me.”

 

“I just told you what was going on,” Clarke said, forcing a smile. “We just weren’t ready. Seriously Wells, enjoy your evening - have some food, catch up with everyone. I’m going to go home.”

 

“Clarke -“

 

“Wells.” Clarke said, her tone snappier than intended. “Its fine. I’m fine. This is the right thing to do.”

 

Wells knew when not to argue with her, and Clarke was grateful for her friends intuition as she backed out of the restaurant, the heavy air of the warm evening blasting her in the face. Choking back tears, Clarke was determined to hold herself together until she could get away from the party.

 

“Clarke!” Raven had followed her. 

 

Clarke turned around, too defeated to put her strong front back on. 

 

“Tell me this isn’t because of Bellamy.” Raven demanded. “Tell me that this isn’t because of him.”

 

“It’s not -“

 

“Say it like you _mean_ it Clarke.” Raven said, her tone angry. “Convince me that you didn’t just break Finn’s heart because of something you used to have with Bellamy, because thats what all the signs are pointing to right now.”

 

‘I swear Raven, it’s not because of Bellamy.” Clarke said. “It just wasn’t right, I can’t explain it. I shouldn’t have let things get this far, its my fault, I know, but it is not because of Bellamy. I swear to you.”

 

Raven shook her head. “You’re forgetting I know you Clarke. I know how much you _still_ love Bellamy, even if you can’t see it. You completely fucked Finn over in a desperate attempt to move on from Bellamy, and that makes you an awful person. You know that, right?”

 

“I didn’t mean to hurt him-“

 

“But you did.” Raven said. “I doubt very much this was mutual Clarke, I’ve seen how excited Finn was about the wedding. He is hopelessly in love with you - did you ever love him at all?”  


“Yes.” Clarke said, her voice barely more than a whisper. “Just not enough.”

 

“And there it is. Some honesty for _once_.” Raven said, shaking her head. “You’re selfish, Clarke Griffin. You’re selfish, and you don’t care who gets hurt in your desperate attempt to be happy. So screw you.”

 

“Raven, please don’t-“

 

“The tears don’t work on me Clarke.” Raven said. “You really screwed this one up Griff. Apologies aren’t going to fix this one. You strung Finn along this whole time.”

 

Clarke shook her head desperately. “No, no I didn’t-“

 

“You keep telling yourself that.” Raven said, marching back inside, leaving Clarke standing alone on the sidewalk, shaking. 

 

The tears started falling before Clarke could even try and hold them back, pouring down her cheeks, making the mascara she had half-heartedly put on earlier run down her face in rivers of sticky black make-up. 

 

She needed to get out of Bowman.

 

Still sobbing, Clarke yanked open the door of her car, pulling out into the street without so much as a second glance. Hitting the gas pedal, Clarke tore down the main street of the town, heading for her house. 

 

She needed to _leave_.

 

Abandoning her car in front of the house in a parking job that would make even Jasper, the world’s _worst_ driver cringe, Clarke let herself into the house, tearing up the stairs to her room. Grabbing her suitcase from under her bed, Clarke began to grab handfuls of clothes, stuffing them into the bag. 

 

If Raven could get that angry with her, so could everyone else. They probably all _hated_ her. 

 

Clarke sat down on the edge of her bed, clutching a handful of clothes to her chest, suddenly exhausted.

 

_What had she done?_

 

Clarke had majorly fucked up. Sighing to herself, Clarke looked up, and found herself looking straight at her wedding dress. 

 

Dumping the clothes she had in her hands on the floor, Clarke grabbed the dress, clutching at it with shaking hands. 

 

She was such an _idiot._

 

Bundling the dress up carelessly, Clarke desperately tried to stuff it into the small bin she had in her room, white material everywhere. It felt like it was swallowing her up, a stark reminder of what she’d just done. 

 

“You called the wedding _off_?”

 

An angry roar from her doorway drew Clarke’s attention. “Not now, Bellamy..” She said tiredly, looking at Bellamy sadly.

 

“Not now? Not _now_? Jesus Christ Clarke, you just called off your wedding.” Bellamy said, shaking his head. “Tell me that it’s not because of me. Tell me its not because of our conversation the other night.”

 

“Why does _everyone_ think I make my decisions based on **you**?” Clarke exploded. “I am my own person! **You** , Bellamy goddamn Blake, are not the reason behind every single one of my decisions. I swear, if one more person tells me that I did something because of you, I’ll - I just - I’ll lose my mind.”

 

“If _everyone_ is saying it, there’s probably some truth to it, Clarke.” Bellamy snapped. “This is too fucking much of a coincidence for me. We have this big heart to heart, and all of a sudden, you call your wedding off? What, did you think you and me could get back together and everything would all be okay?”

 

“If I believed that Bellamy, you and I would have fixed things a really long time ago.” Clarke said. “I _told_ you I was having doubts about my relationship with Finn. I told you I wasn’t sure. Love is supposed to be simple, right? Marrying Finn felt a whole lot like overcomplicated.”

 

“This is insane Clarke. You love the guy - why the hell did you call your wedding off? You’re throwing away your happiness for _nothing_.”

 

“If I was happy, don’t you think I’d be at my rehearsal dinner right now, excited about becoming Mrs Finn Collins?” Clarke yelled, rubbing roughly at her tear stained cheeks. “I wasn’t happy! Not happy enough.”

 

“Maybe what you’re looking for doesn’t exist Clarke -`”  


“It does! It does exist, because you and I had it once.” Clarke said. “Bellamy, what I had with you was happiness. Real happiness. When I was with you, you made me feel like I was the only girl in the world - even when everything was a secret. We’d be at a party, and you’d have a gaggle of girls all over you, and you’d look at me, and I’d know. I’d _know_ that I was the only one you wanted, I’d know that I was special to you. You poured all this love into me, and you made me a better person, you made me want more for myself than I thought I could have. You made being in love with me seem easy, no matter what shitty mood I was in, no matter how awful I could be when I was pissed off, or tired.”

 

“Clarke -“

 

“No, let me finish. I have to say this Bell. I need to say this.” Clarke said, furiously blinking back a fresh set of tears. “Whenever I’d wake up next to you, I’d know I was exactly where I needed to be. I have never ever felt like that with anyone else, not Finn, not anyone. I _deserve_ that kind of love. That’s why I called off the wedding. Not because of you, but because of how you made me _feel_.”

 

“We can’t live in the past, Clarke.” Bellamy said, his voice softer than it had been when he burst into her room unannounced. “It’s not fair on you. It’s not fair on either of us, not if you’re hurting yourself, and people around you because of it. It’s not _right_.”

 

Clarke laughed bitterly. “Is it wrong to want to feel like that again?”  


“No. I want that too.” Bellamy said, clearly frustrated. “But Clarke, it’s been nearly ten years. It can’t be healthy to have not moved on.”

 

“I _know_ that Bellamy, I know all of that!” Clarke yelled. “I have spent nearly ten years of my life trying to get over you, and every time I come home, every single time I see you, I know I’m not. I can’t get over you, and you’ve been making it look so easy.”

 

“Easy? _Easy_ princess? It’s been killing me trying to get over you.” Bellamy said, pacing across her bedroom. “You’re everywhere. It feels like I can’t escape you, and it just reminds me that I lost the love of my life over a dumb argument, and even when she’s thousands of miles away in Boston, my life apparently revolves around her, because every square inch of this goddamn town reminds me of you, and what we used to have.”

 

They were practically standing nose to nose now, their faces flushed from yelling, Bellamy’s chest heaving as he finished speaking. 

 

Clarke choked back a sob. “I really fucking miss you, Bell.”

 

“I really miss you, princess.”

 

Clarke moved at his words, pressing her lipsto his in a forceful kiss, grabbing at his shirt. Their kisses were messy, Bellamy’s hands knotted in her tangled curls, Clarke’s hands finding their way under his shirt, her hands cold against his skin.

 

“We shouldn’t do this Clarke -“ Bellamy began, breathless. 

 

“Everyone thinks this is about you.” Clarke said. “Why not give in to this? Everyone’s going to think I called off this wedding for you anyway. Might as well prove them right.”

 

“Thats not a good enough reason to do this Clarke -“

 

“I don’t care.” Clarke interrupted. “I don’t care. I want you. I _need_ you. So make your choice - either you take your pants off and fuck me right now, or you walk out that door and you leave me the hell alone.”

 

Bellamy didn’t move for a second. 

 

“Fine.” Clarke turned away. “Go, I don’t care.”

 

Bellamy grabbed her wrist, pulling her back to him. “I’m not about to wait another ten years.” He muttered against her neck, his fingers tracing the waistline of her jeans, not moving fast enough for Clarke’s liking.

 

“Then what the hell are you waiting for?”

 

_________________

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm the worst, i know. i can only apologise for it taking me nearly a year to update this - life is generally very busy, university is crazy, and i kind of fell out of love with writing for a while, and i didn't feel like i could do this story, or any other one i was writing justice.
> 
> but, i'm back, and i'm feeling inspired, and if you're still reading this a year later, i hope you know i massively appreciate it. we're in the home stretch now and yeah, i hope you enjoyed. probably wasn't worth waiting a year for, but like i said, life sort of happened this year.


End file.
